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A Thousand Words Aren't Enough

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My eyes opened, but I shut them again quickly as the light from a window blinded me. I groaned and reached for a pillow behind my head. I threw it over my face, trying to block out the light. The slight movement of my head dropping made my head pound viciously and my stomach turned. I felt like I was going to puke. The whole room felt like it was rocking slightly and I had intense vertigo. I groaned loudly and tried my best not to move. The only time I ever felt like this was when I used to get wasted back in college. A hangover of epic proportions. But I was 31 now and didn't drink to get blitzed. I hadn't gotten drunk last night, had I?

Suddenly, the room started spinning faster. This time it wasn't a physical feeling. I was lost. I suddenly realized I couldn't remember anything about the previous night. I pulled my pillow off of my face and willed my eyes open. My head felt like it was caught in a vice and I my eyes burned, but I looked where I was at. My childhood bedroom? What was I doing here? Why was I hungover? I had never been so confused in my life.

"What the fuck did you do Bianca?" I asked myself, but then had to clamp my mouth shut to avoid getting sick. I put my hand over my face and tried to think. The previous night was one long, black spot. But I tried to think back earlier. What was the first thing that I could remember?

I then remembered why I was in my childhood bedroom. Or at least, I thought I remembered why. Parts of the previous day were coming back to me. It had been a Friday. I'd gotten off of work early because the power went out at the office. I'd decided to give in to my mother's constant nagging about how she never saw me anymore and go home for the weekend. I'd decided to make it a surprise and just drove the three hours to their house. I'd gotten in and found out that mom and dad were out of town for the weekend. My little sister Sofia told me it was a romantic getaway they'd planned for a while. I guess I really didn't pay attention when my mother talked on the phone. Sofia was 18 and a senior in high school so she was at home for the weekend. My little brother, Nico, who was 21 and in college had been home as well to visit his girlfriend.

I remember offering to take them both out to dinner since my plans of spending time with mom and dad were shot. My parents had had me as an accident when they were teenagers. They got married and raised me but avoided having other kids until they were older and better able to handle it. As a result, I was much older than my siblings and we had a different kind of relationship. They were too young to have been playmates when I was a kid, I was like a third parent. As they got older I liked to sort of be a "fun adult" in their lives, different from my parents. So a free dinner for the kids sounded like a good idea. I didn't see them as much as I liked, so I was actually sort of happy my parents weren't around. I'd get credit for coming over and being with family without having to talk to my mother about why I wasn't married yet. I was pretty sure that my brother and sister had accepted the offer. After that, I couldn't remember a thing. How did I get from a dinner out in the burbs with my siblings, to hungover in my old double bed?

I felt incredibly hot now and realized that, despite the fact that it was June, I had my big winter blanket over me. I don't think my mom had changed the sheets after I'd visited in February. Regardless, the blanket was absolutely killing me and I shoved it off. I found that I was naked under the sheets. I sometimes slept naked in my apartment, but never at my parents' house. I felt a cold sweat forming on my skin. I just had a sense of foreboding. The headache felt worse than ever and my stomach was knotted up.

A slight buzz in the room blasted through my head and I stopped thinking about my naked body. I felt confused for a minute and then looked over at the nightstand next to my bed. My phone. I'd just gotten an e-mail or something. I reached over to my phone and clicked on the button. Maybe I'd gotten some texts or something the previous night that would give some indication of what I'd done. Maybe an old friend was in town at the same time and I went out drinking or something. I entered my password and the screen lit up. I saw instantly that my phone was open to the picture app. There was a photo on display. As my eyes adjusted, I saw the picture. I gasped at what I saw.

It was a side profile shot of a woman. She was on her knees. She was around 5'2 and weighed about 120lbs. She had very long black hair that was very straight and was slipped behind her small ears. She had big dark eyes, a small slightly aquiline nose and thick red lips. Her skin was a dark olive color and very smooth. She was completely naked in the photograph. From the side view I could see that she had perky 34-C breasts. The bottom of her breasts were rounded and heavy while the top of was sloped, giving the breasts a teardrop appearance. Her areolas were somewhat large and a dark red, almost brown. Her nipples were long and looked hard in the picture. Her arms were thin and taut. Her stomach looked flat and she had a glittery bellybutton ring. Even from this angle you could see a slightly voluptuous build with a narrow waist and wide-set hips to go with her large (for her frame) breasts. Her legs looked somewhat short compared to a long torso (for her height) but they were thin and muscular. She had very small feet. There was no question about the woman in the photograph. She was me. There could be no confusion on that point.

I don't make it a habit to keep naked photos of myself on my phone. And I had dated anyone or even hooked up with anyone in months so there was no reason to take naked photographs. But that wasn't why I was shocked by the photograph. I knew what my body looked like naked. No, what shocked me was the rest of the picture. My hands were lifted up and away from my body. My left hand was gently cupping a pair of testicles. My right hand was wrapped around the shaft of a penis. The tip of that penis was inserted between my thick red lips. The penis in question looked pretty large, probably around 7 inches (though it was hard to see how big the tip was, because it was in my mouth) and had large, low-hanging balls.

This, in and of itself, was quite shocking. I hadn't, to my knowledge, given anyone a blowjob in nearly a year (I had broken up with my last long-term boyfriend at around this time the previous year). Further, I could see on my calf the small nick I'd given myself the previous day while shaving. This wasn't some old photograph. This had just happened. And I had no recollection.

But that, by far, was not the largest surprise in the photograph. The penis in the photograph, as most penises generally, was attached to a man. This man was extremely tall, probably around 6'4, but also exceptionally thin, probably only weighed a scrawny 135lbs. His legs were thin, gangly, and only had a gentle sprinkling of blonde hair. His stomach was very thin and he had a chest with well-toned but small muscles. His arms were long, but somewhat bony. He had a long neck. His face was youthful with a slightly pug nose, blue eyes, and short blonde hair.

I have always taken after my Italian father with dark features, dark hair, and a small build. My brother, on the other hand (and despite his Italian name) took after my Swedish mother: light skin, blonde hair, incredibly scrawny thin but exceptionally tall. The body attached to the cock that was in my mouth in the photo, belonged to my brother. There was a photo on my phone was of me, the previous night...giving my little brother a blowjob!

Once the full realization of what I was looking at dawned on me, my hands felt weak and the pain in my stomach intensified. The phone dropped from my hand and I heard it clatter on the laminate floor. A thousand thoughts were running through my head all at once, tripping over one another and leaving me completely unable to process what was happening. I just sort of sat, frozen on my bed, staring at the wall while my mind reeled.

Nothing in my life could have prepared me for what I had seen in that picture. I had never done anything in my life even remotely as fucked up as blowing my brother. I had never had even the slightest thought about my brother in even a vaguely sexual manner. Hell, I was the most straight-laced of all my friends in terms of sex. I only fucked people I was dating for more than a month, I didn't do any weird kinky stuff, I was vanilla and boring. And I liked it that way. This was beyond kinky. This was...an abomination.

I couldn't imagine any scenario where anything even remotely like this could happen. I couldn't imagine myself getting so drunk while I was at home to visit family that I'd black out. I couldn't imagine that even if I had gotten blacked out that I would have slept with anyone. And I couldn't imagine that if I slept with someone that the someone would be my brother. But...there was the photograph. It was plain as day. I had stared at it for several minutes. There was no question about what I was seeing. I had...performed fellatio on my brother.

It is hard to describe the feelings that I had as these thoughts raced through my mind. I was disgusted, first and foremost. I had seen physical evidence that I'd broken once of societies greatest taboos. I had done something that I deemed morally and physically repulsive. I was confused because I couldn't remember anything about it and couldn't imagine a situation in which it could occur. I was embarrassed and felt like I was stupid. I was disappointed with myself for failing to uphold a standard I didn't think would ever be a challenge. And I was angry. Angry and myself for doing such a repugnant act and angry at...

Suddenly I thought of something. I quickly fumbled down around the floor and found my phone once again. I pulled up the picture (wincing as I saw it again. There was still no doubt about it). There I was, on my knees, sucking my brother's cock. But he wasn't stopping me. He had one hand on my head and another one on his hip. He was looking down at me, a smile on his face. I had clearly been drunk or sick or something the night before. I had done something I wasn't supposed to do, but I was clearly not in control of myself. My brother had seen me in this condition and apparently taken advantage of me! He was 21 years old, he wasn't a kid anymore, he knew right from wrong. And this was so clearly wrong.

Suddenly the conflicting emotions and the scattered thoughts all crystalized into one thing: a white hot hatred for my brother Nico. All of the anger, the disgust, the disappointment, and embarrassment that I felt for myself was now multiplied several times and then dumped back onto my brother's back. I felt my Italian temper rising and my cheeks got white hot. A sudden burst of adrenaline shot through my heart to accompany my anger. My headache subsided and my stomach felt like iron.

I jumped up quickly from my bed and headed for my door. I didn't even bother to get dressed. I was so angry, I needed to act that very second. I opened the door to my room and headed out into the hallway with only my cell phone in my hand. My brother's room was just next door. I didn't bother to knock, I just walked right in.

I don't know what, exactly, I was planning on saying. When I get really angry, I just sort of act without thinking. I knew that I needed to tear Nico a new one. In fact, I was afraid that I was so angry I would never speak to him again. This was not some little thing. It was the kind of action that could destroy a relationship. Nico needed to know that I felt violated by what he'd done that that his actions were inexcusable. Of course, I was not in any position to state it that eloquently.

"Hey fuck-head, wake the fuck up!" I yelled as I slammed the door behind me. Nico's room was very small, just wide enough to slip his double-bed inside. It was mostly cleared out because he had taken most of his stuff to college, so my voice and the sound of slamming door reverberated through the small room.

Nico was lying on the bed with his own pillow covering his face. He was also naked and lying on top of his sheets. He was so tall that his feet almost hung off the end of his small bed. His dick was now soft and lying across his right thigh limply. But as the noise of my voice and the slamming of the door shook the room, Nico bounced up in the bed, flinging the pillow off of his face.

"Ah shit," he said, his voice sounding hoarse, "What the fuck? Where am I?" he asked. His eyes were just barely open and he sat up groggily in the bed. He rubbed his eyelids. "I am fucking...hungover."

I crossed my arms in front of my breasts, and tilted my head to the side. I was willing to wait for him to get his head straight. I wanted him to be fully aware of the shit storm that was about to rain down on him. My heart was humming in my chest and the adrenaline had completely eaten up my hangover.

"Morning you fucking asshole," I said, the word spitting out of my mouth like fire.

"Christ...Bianca? What the hell? I am naked?" he said, sounding panicked. He quickly picked up his pillow and set it across his lap, "What are you doing in here? What is wrong?" He said, put his hand on his head, like it ached horribly. Poor baby. Then he finally looked up at me. He screamed, "You're naked too!" he said. I rolled my eyes.

"Don't sound so shocked you...pig!" I yelled at him. I took a half-step forward into the room so that I was only two feet from the foot of his bed.

"Why are you naked in my room? What the hell is going on?" he asked, wiping his eyes.

"You can stop the fucking act, we need to talk about this!" I yelled back at him. I held up my cellphone.

"Talk about what? About you barging into my room naked while I am naked? Not much to talk about, get out! I feel like shit," he said. I guess I shouldn't have expected him to confess right away.

"It isn't anything we haven't seen before, apparently," I shot back.

"What? Bianca, what is going on? What happened last..." he started. But I was tired of his bullshit. I had the photograph loaded up on my phone. I quickly whipped it at him. The phone went sailing across the room rapidly. It was headed straight for Nico's face. Good. But at the last second he lifted the pillow up out of his lap and blocked it. His cock flopped around and I saw that it was even bigger than I had supposed in the photograph, maybe 7.5 inches, though I ignored that I noticed it.

"Shit Bianca, you've fucking lost it," he said incredulously.

"No you have, you fucking pervert," I shot back.

"Pervert?" he said, his eyes narrowing.

"Stop pretending, it is as clear as day," I said, pointing to my phone. Nico dropped the pillow and reached down on the bed where my phone had landed. He lifted it up and looked at it. His eyes instantly got wide, "Didn't remember leaving evidence?" I asked.

"Oh my God Bianca! What the hell is this?" he said, he looked up at me. I must admit, his face registered legitimate shock. What a fucking actor, my pervert brother.

"You tell me?"

"What do you mean?" he asked, "is this was it looks like?"

"Is it you taking advantage of me while I am drunk and forcing you give you a blowjob? Yeah, that is what it is," I shot back at him. Nico's eyes got wide and his mouth dropped open. He dropped the phone onto his bed and started shaking his head.

"Bianca...Christ...I have no idea where this picture came from," Nico said. He was looking directly at my eyes, a bold move for a liar.

"So what? Were you sleepwalking and your cock just found its way into your older sister's mouth? My god Nico! What the hell is wrong with you. This is not a thing that people do! You are disgusting!"

"It is disgusting, but I didn't do it!"

"You clearly did! I can see your dick in my mouth in the picture, can't you?"

"Do you remember me doing that? I don't remember anything from last night. I remember you getting in around 6 o'clock and then I remember you standing in my doorway naked screaming at me!" Nico yelled back. I suddenly felt thrown back. That was exactly my experience, how would he know that?

"I don't believe you," I said, "Just tell me what you did, so that we can try...maybe...someday...to have a brother-sister relationship again."

"Bianca, I don't know what is going on. I don't remember anything, do you?" he said. He looked at me pleadingly and I was surprised to find that I he sounded honest.

"No. I remember leaving to go out to eat last night. That's it," I said.

"I don't even remember that," Nico said, "Bianca, I don't know what the hell happened." I felt the anger falling slightly. I still did not know if I believed him. But...his experience was so much like mine. He looked around his bed and found the camera again. He looked at the picture and I saw him wince slightly.

"That honestly doesn't bring back any memories?" I asked. Nico looked at the camera for a few more seconds. His cheeks grew very red but he shook his head. "Actually, come look at this!" Nico said. For a moment I hesitated. Then I walked over to his bed, turned and sat down at the foot. He scooted up so that he was sitting next to me and shoved the camera back under my nose.

"Why am I looking at this again?" I asked.

"Two things," Nico said, "First, look at both of our eyes." I looked back down at the photograph, focusing on my eyes. I avoided looking at anything else. They looked like my eyes but...strange. I turned and looked at Nico's blue eyes. Here the strangeness was even more pronounced. They looked...glassy and unfocused.

"We look zonked out," I said, looking over and Nico he was nodding at me seriously. We both looked like we didn't know what was going on. Maybe he really hadn't masterminded this. But what had happened? My anger was now gone entirely. Replaced by confusion.

"And look. I mean, here you are in the picture and here is me. Neither of us is holding the camera. You can tell this is the basement, right in the billiards room near Sofia's room. I don't know if your phone has a time-shoot, but even if it did, there is no table or anything from this perspective down there. Someone else took this picture," Nico said. I had never even considered that. I had just seen the picture and the seen...what I was doing to my brother and assumed that he had been behind it. But now I didn't have any doubt. He hadn't been lying to me. He was as much a victim here as I was.

"Oh Nico," I said, "I am so sorry." Just as my anger comes on quickly, so does my remorse. Especially when I get angry at the wrong person. I didn't think, I just turned quickly and wrapped my arms around my brother's neck. I pulled him in closely for a hug. I just wanted him to know that I was sorry and that he didn't deserve the epithets I had been hurtling at him.

In doing so, I had completely forgotten the situation. I didn't realized that both my brother and I were naked until I felt my bare breasts rubbing against Nico's bare, hairless chest and felt my bare arms against the expanse of his back. I felt my cheeks get red but felt too awkward to release the hug as quickly as I wanted to. So, for a few seconds I just felt my bare nipples press against my brother and felt the heat of his body.

"Sorry Nico, I just felt bad about the terrible things I said," I explained as I inched away from him.

"It is...uh...okay," Nico said, I could see his cheeks were also red. More importantly, I noticed something else. I had noticed (without trying to notice) while I was talking to Nico about the photograph, that his cock was lying limping against his left thigh. But now, as I pulled away from our hug and my breasts moved off of his body, I saw that it plumper than it had been before, it was sitting up slightly between his legs. It wasn't erect, by any stretch of the imagination, but it wasn't really soft either.

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