Being a Woman

My exams were over and I was out of high school. It was just then that we had to relocate elsewhere, to another city quite far off. 'We' consisted of my dad, mom and I. I had crossed eighteen a few months back and felt I had sufficiently grown up, having now completed school and having attained the age that always held 'kids' back. Yet, these things did not help me in being bigger or stronger physically, and I continued to possess a rather frail, almost feminine look which, on occasions, became the butt of much mirth and teasing among my friends. Relocating elsewhere helped me now to get out of this 'baggage' that seemed to have stuck to me since childhood.

I am Paul. I have, as I just told you, crossed eighteen. My genes, somehow, haven't been too kind towards me and haven't helped me possess a manly figure as boys my age would want. Just around 5'4" in height, slim to the extent that it could be seen as a weakling, with blonde hair that I preferred to keep long and expressive green eyes, I got indifference from both boys and girls alike and, naturally, I kept myself isolated and remained an accepted introvert. It didn't help that while boys of my class and age underwent physical changes in the growth of facial hair or on their chest and arms, these seemed elusive to me. Even when their voice started to crack, mine didn't take that manly tone but was softer. To make matters worse, my smile had a girlish look to it, making me more effeminate because of the small dimples that formed easily.

No matter how much I longed to prove myself as a real 'man' there could be no escaping the fact that certain events recently led me to believe that it's best that you accept circumstances without too much regret.

Just before relocating to this new city, I was sent off by my parents to visit my uncle and his family who lived in the south. It was rarely that we got to see each other, and so there was more unfamiliarity that surrounded our relationship than the binding of a close family. It was more than five years that we got to see each other last and it was natural that there were expressions of both surprise and affection when my uncle picked me up at the bus stand.

"Hi Paul! It's nice that you could make this trip. Both your Aunt Melinda and I were so keen to see you," he said as he embraced me.

"I was keen to see you all too!" I said," I really wanted to come here."

"You know how affectionate she is and, nowadays, she easily seems to despair, thinking she'll never be able to see you all again," Uncle Alex said.

We are soon driving along the road and countryside, for Uncle Alex had a small farm where he had lived all throughout his life. Aunt Melinda was from the city but she had quickly adapted to the countryside, making the farm a lovely place to stay. Their only daughter Joanne, however, was academically bent and, after high school, had left for higher education elsewhere. Joanne would occasionally come to the farm, whenever she got a break. Joanne was about five years elder to me and, from the snaps that I saw of her, she was a pretty lady and, almost of my height and just as slim. When I visited Uncle Alex, she was in her college and there was hardly any chance of her coming to visit her parents at that time.

I hadn't been to the farm since when I was a kid of around six or seven and I was overwhelmed when we drove in through a wooden gate. It was lush green all around, the winds helping the stalks on the cornfield to wave and dance, as we drove past the barn, which had recently received a coat of brown paint. Driving past a stretch of road that was lined with trees, the house sprung up right in front.

Aunt Melinda was overjoyed to see me. Warmly embracing me, she enquired about Dad and Mom, recollecting how they had spent a great time together when we last visited them. She then took me upstairs, telling me that since Joanne was not here it would be more comfortable for me to stay there. Realizing how exhausted I was, she caringly suggested that I have a quick bath and supper and pack off for bed and sleep. After supper, I was unable to remain awake and went to sleep immediately.

When I got up early the next morning, both my uncle and aunt were asleep. Wondering what to do, I flipped through a few girlie magazines that belonged to Joanne, magazines on fashion and lingerie, which lay around the room. My interest was soon bubbling. I flipped over the pages, showing slim and beautiful models in the sexiest lingerie, in very revealing postures. Each snap surpassed the other one, and I gaped in excitement. I couldn't help it but soon the imagination took wings and I visualized myself in some of this lingerie. There was one, in particular, that showed a blonde model with green eyes, in the most exotic lingerie I could imagine beside a superbly chiseled giant of man, all muscles really, holding her by the waist. The man was wearing the tiniest of briefs and frankly, it was not impossible to guess what it hid. I realized that there was a surge of excitement and I couldn't take my eyes off these snaps. Embarrassingly, a spot of wetness had spread across the front of the shorts that I was wearing. If my excitement went on increasing at this rate, I thought, very soon I would have to seek relief. I kept aside the magazine and walked across to the window, trying to divert my attention elsewhere. The early morning had just made its presence and, for a while, it helped to calm my surging sexual thoughts. The view outside was perfect, with greenery all around, distant hills, grazing cattle, chirruping birds and more and I was, momentarily, taken aback by the beauty that nature had spread in front of my eyes.

Yet, it was another area of nature, and that is human nature, which drew my attention away. Soon, I was engulfed in thoughts that frequently occupy the mind of the young, of boys particularly, and once again I thought of the women in lingerie ... and the hulk holding a model by the waist. I was left with a tearing urge to wear a pair, if I could get one readily, to see myself wearing one and to have a hulk holding me as well by the waist. This urge was irresistible and I flicked over the pages of the magazine once again, till it came and rested on the page that was the center of my interest. I could hardly take my eyes off - the wildest imaginations taking shape, no matter how fanciful these were, of the model draped in the sexy lingerie and the hulk holding her by the waist. As I lay bent on the bed, the magazine held in front, my thighs involuntarily started to frequently come closer, rubbing against each other, and generating a unique sensation of desire.

It occurred to me, consciously I would think, that this was Joanne's room, the room of a girl. Surely my cousin sister wouldn't have taken all her clothing and inner garments with her to the university where she was studying. I quickly jumped out of the bed, almost floating to the wardrobe at the corner of the room. As I pulled a drawer, I was overjoyed to see that this was not locked. The top drawer was hardly of any interest to me, just a few old letters, a couple of diaries and other general utilities. It was a huge disappointment - I felt I was badly let down by my sister and couldn't hide my mock anger as I cried 'shit' as I pushed it in again.

I pulled at the knob of the second drawer and, as it slowly opened in front of my eyes, almost like a pandora's box, I was amazed to see the array of inner clothing that lay neatly arranged inside. Here was an assortment of lingerie that I could only get to see and touch in shops, not in my house surely. Varieties from the best in market were a feast for my eyes. If I had suffered from moments of anger at my earlier disappointment, I was now filled with gratitude and joy, as I kept touching these pieces, feeling their softness, texture and admiring their designs.

Soon, I had picked up a pair, an exotic one made of alluring laces. I held the bra on my naked chest as I stood in front of the mirror. A tingling sensation, as it brushed my nipples, was overwhelming. I had to wear the pair, it was impossible to stop now. I almost tore away the briefs that I had been wearing when I found that my penis, at just four inches, was very hard and now smeared with my oozing precum. Realizing that the lacy boy short would be spoilt if I wore it at this level of my excitement, I stopped for a while, wondering what I could do to prevent my sister from knowing. I remembered having seen something in the first drawer of Joanne's wardrobe. I dashed across, quickly opening the first drawer. One of the utilities that I found inside was an open carton of 'Always' disposable pads. Obviously, a few had been used by my sister but, even now, there remained quite a few. I pulled out one, the bare touch making my cock throb a bit. Hurriedly, I attached the pad to the inside of that alluring lace boy short. Soon, it was sliding up my legs and thighs, creating an arousal that I found difficult to subdue, till it came and hugged my hips and the pad placed snugly on my leaking cock. I felt relieved and comfortable, running a hand along the front of the boy short. Picking up the bra, I pushed in my arms through the straps, adjusting the cups to sit nicely over my nipples, before putting my hands behind to hook the ends at the back. It would be so wonderful if the cups were really as full as they are in women, I craved inwardly. I had bundled my hair into a pony tail when I went to sleep but now I opened it, allowing my hair to fall on my shoulders. I came and stood in front of the mirror.

What I saw not only created a deep arousal but I realized that this is what I wanted all along - to be a girl. No matter the anger or ill feelings that I felt towards my friends who had teased me, there could be no doubt that, in the core of my mind, this deep longing had always remained. May be sexual thoughts were an outward manifestation of that wish and longing, but even excluding that particular thought, there still remained a deep and true wish to be a woman! In time, I would be one fully, I promised myself.

Just at that moment, Aunt Melinda was outside the door of my room before she knocked and I heard her caring voice call out, "Paul, get up, breakfast's ready."

She must have been up and working for quite some time now, I thought, before I hurried into the toilet, picking up my jeans and shirt of the previous day. I would have to escape her attention for she would be in a shock if she found me in the dress I was in.

"Paul, are you up?" her voice was now concerned.

"I am in the wash room Aunt Melinda, I'll be out shortly," I shouted from behind the closed door.

What if she walked in? Where could I keep the lingerie set that I was wearing so that these did not fall in her eyes? Would the washroom be safe enough? Rapid questions floated through my mind. In the end, I decided to keep wearing the set. Both the jeans and the shirt were thick enough to hide the truth of my undergarments. So it was that I walked out of my room wearing the lingerie set underneath my jeans and dark colored checks. I had buttoned up my shirt fully so that absolutely nothing would be revealed. My hair still remained open, falling on my shoulders. I was soon downstairs, wishing a very good morning to Uncle Alex before walking into the kitchen and wishing Aunt Melinda. Soon, we were having breakfast together.

The strange thing was that while Aunt Melinda was so caring and oozing love at each stage, Uncle Alex seemed distant. In fact, his behavior the previous today was in stark contrast to his current behavior. He was having his breakfast quietly, letting Aunt Melinda do the talking. Now and then, he looked up, but his eyes never roamed elsewhere but they remained fixed on me and my face. Soon, I felt uneasy, thinking that perhaps he knew, or at least guessed, that I was wearing lingerie beneath my shirt and jeans. May be this came out of a sense of my own guilt.Hesitatingly, I ran my fingers along the length of the buttons, trying to check without looking if each one was fully in their holes.

"Paul," Aunt Melinda said, "You have grown up, my boy. Very ...umm , shall we say, nice looking. Hasn't he, Alex?"

Uncle Alex took the last sip of his coffee, stared at me with a pair of cold eyes, before he stood up.

"Nice would be an understatement, my dear. I think he looks very pretty and, frankly, he looks like a girl," he muttered and walked across to his favorite couch and lit his pipe.

I think Aunt Melinda was a trifle embarrassed at the words of her husband. But I think I was more embarrassed than her and the flush in my face was clearly evident. I wished I hadn't come visiting my aunt and uncle.

Luckily, at that moment, I could hear the neighing of a horse just outside the hall where we sat. It gave us an opportunity to divert our attention from what we were talking about. I got up from my chair and ambled across the room and to the door to have a glimpse of this unannounced visitor.

My first look revealed that a very big and strong man, with a hat on his head and wearing riding boots, had come on horse back to my uncle's farm. My second look was more analytical. Here was a man, around fifty years in age, who was more than six and half feet tall, he had a massive chest, his arms even under the shirt that he was wearing couldn't hide the rippling muscles and his wrist was thick and wide. He looked at me with his blue eyes before he raised his hat, smiled widely and then bowed.

"How do you do, Miss. Would Alex be around this morning?" he asked.

"I am Paul," I tried to correct and also introduce myself, hoping that my name would make it clear that I was not a girl. Yet, seeing this man brought feelings that I had experienced earlier, a while age, in this very house. He is just as muscular as that hulk in the magazine, I thought.

"Ah! Paul... I am sorry but at first I thought ... well it's like this ... You do look like a girl and a rather pretty one too," the man said, the smile still lingering on his face.

At that moment, Uncle Alex had walked out and welcomed this man with a big smile on his face.

"Come in Brad. How are ya Buddy? Meet my nephew Paul. He'll be staying with us for about two weeks, enjoying his holidays, I am sure. And Paul, Brad here is my neighbor; he owns the farm beside mine just beyond that small hillock that you can see from your room." Uncle Alex's introduction was short.

We spent some time together, the four of us, enjoying breakfast and chatting and laughing. They wanted to know about my childhood, school and studies and things that I liked. I got to know a lot of the things I didn't know about Uncle Alex and Aunt Melinda. Even Uncle Brad, for that's what I called him, spoke a lot about his farm. He was sitting beside me and, at one point, much to my discomfort and fear, his hand fell casually across my shoulders. I knew instantly that it was just a matter of time before my little secret would be out. I was about to get up, carrying the dishes, when he held me back with a vice like grip on my shoulder. A finger ran along the length of my shoulders, very casually though, but suddenly froze as it touched the strap of the bra. I think he was surprised and wanted to check if his surmise was correct. He ran the finger along again and, to be doubly sure, he ran the finger on the other side of the shoulder as well. Soon, the hand ran down my back, checking on the hooks that held the bra. He was now certain that his buddy's nephew was wearing a bra underneath the shirt. But he didn't utter a word, didn't express or show any sign of surprise - he just let me enjoy my secret. I warmed up to this man, grateful that he had protected me from extreme embarrassment in front of my uncle and aunt.

My face flushed, I got up now, carrying the dishes to the kitchen and sink, but Uncle Brad got up too.

"Come, let me help you," he said.

When we reached the kitchen sink, neither Uncle Alex nor my Aunt were visible, the walls of the kitchen coming between us. It was then that Brad put the palm of his hand on my butt. He ran it along, and satisfied that I was wearing some form of lingerie underneath, turned my face around and looked deeply into my eyes.

"I bet you would be looking damn sexy in lingerie. Gosh! I got to see you in them soon," he hissed.

I ran out of the kitchen, my face flushed once again, as Big Brad followed me. I came and slumped into the chair and he came and sat beside me. Uncle Alex had taken his pipe and was packing tobacco into it.

"Paul, I feel bad to tell you, but Melinda and I shall be off for a couple of days. She has not been keeping well lately, as you have seen and I'll have to take her to the city hospital," Uncle Alex was saying.

"I had hoped to avoid this till after you visited us. But, I think it would be unwise to delay. Could you look after yourself for a couple of days?" he asked.

Now, I am a guy who is easily scared. And staying alone, in this countryside, with hardly a soul around, would become a nightmare. I didn't know what to say.

"Alex, don't worry. Paul will have Uncle Brad around to take care. If necessary, I'll stay over at your place. Or, if Paul wants, he can come over to my place. Isn't that so Paul?" Brad volunteered.

I thought of the lingerie hugging me at that moment and all the exquisite pieces lying to be explored in Joanne's wardrobe. Fleeting thoughts went back to the magazine and that 'hulk' holding a model's waist. A flash fantasy of Uncle Brad similarly holding my waist seemed to come and go. The comforting yet exciting words," Paul will have Uncle Brad around to take care" were ringing sweetly in my ears. The touch of his roving palm on my butt while in the kitchen was still fresh in my mind.

I nodded my head, "Much as I would like to have you stay, it's more important that Aunt Melinda gets her treatment. I am sure I'll be okay ... with Uncle Brad around."

"Done," said Uncle Alex.

Underneath the table, Uncle Brad's hand was already on my thighs, eager and probing.

(End of Chapter One)