Ryan's Dream

Thinking back on it now, it all happened so slowly over a long period of time, probably three years, maybe longer.

My mother had me out of wedlock when she was 16 and in 1953 that was the kind of thing that made so called decent people turn away from you when they passed you on the street. Even though my mom had been raped by her high school principal, it didn't matter. Sure he lost his job. He didn't go to jail though and the prevailing thought in her small hometown was that my mom had been the guilty party, leading the poor man on until he had no choice but to take her virginity in the boiler room of the school basement after her final performance in the junior class play.

Six weeks later when my mother's parents found out about her condition they shipped her off to live with her widowed aunt Rose in Topeka and that's where I was born and where my story begins.

Everyone urged my mom to give me up. "You're too young to raise a child by yourself" they'd tell her.

"Better for you and for the boy to let him go."

"How will you ever find a man to marry you when you're burdened with a child?" She heard it all and in truth she actually tried to give me up at one point only to change her mind at the last second. Though discouraged, the aunt we lived with gave up and accepted us and for the next 15 years we lived with her. Mom got a part time job as a waitress at the Rainbow Café to help pay expenses and I delivered the daily paper around the neighborhood to contribute to the cause. All in all it wasn't a bad life growing up in a household with two women.

For all those years, my mom and I shared a bedroom in Aunt Rose's small house. Of course we had twin beds, but still I got used to seeing my mom in her long nightgown at night and often in her plain white bra and white cotton panties as she got ready for work. I got used to bathing in a lion claw tub with her lingerie hanging all over the bathroom and the scent of her "Evening in Paris" perfume permeating our little room.

She dated some, but not often. It wasn't because she was unattractive, in fact she was very pretty in a small town, country girl sort of way. Dishwater blonde hair that hung down to her shoulders, smoky gray eyes, 5 foot 4 with a slight build. No she was attractive enough, but as soon as the guy found out she had a son, he was out the door. So, I grew up feeling like I was the cause of her misery, the reason she never married.

By the time I was 19 I'd graduated from high school and had a good job as a carpenter. Mom's lot had improved too and she was office manager at a local doctor's office and together we had enough money to move into our own house, modest but more than adequate for our needs. Our relationship had changed too, still mother and son, but more like good friends.

Like many sons, I was attracted to my mom in a physical way, but was careful not to let her know I had those thoughts about her. I never wanted her to think badly of me and knew she would think I was perverted if she learned that sometimes in my room at night I masturbated, holding a pair of her recently worn panties to my nose, smelling her feminine aroma, pretending my mom was lying beneath me, our bodies coupled together.

During the years between my 16th and 19th birthday mom would occasionally date and even though she would tell me it wasn't serious, I often found her sitting alone in her bedroom crying softly. I cared so much for her that I would sit beside her on her bed, asking her what was wrong, putting my arm around her to comfort her. She would always tell me it was nothing, but it really hurt me to see how sad she was so I would press the issue till she admitted that her current boyfriend was only after one thing and she just wasn't ready to commit to that level knowing how devastated she had been because of the one and only time she had been with a man that way.

We would talk and hug and that would be that, until one night a few months after I'd turned 19 when she came in from her date later than normal and she was upset. I followed her into her room where she lay face down on her bed and wept. I tried to comfort her, lying beside her, rubbing her back. "What's wrong with me?" she asked.

"Nothing" I told her. "There is nothing wrong with you. You are so near perfect it's scary."

"Then why can't I just give a man what he wants? Why can't I just give in and make him happy?"

"Maybe it's because you don't love him?" I said.

She turned on her side and looked at me, "What's love got to do with sex? If I'd just let him have what he wants then maybe he'd marry me and we could have a real family?"

"You have a family mom, you have me." I told her.

"It's not the same, you're my son. I know you love me and I love you, but we can't give each other the things a man and wife can. We can't share a bed and be intimate with each other that way."

And then I said it and regretted it the second it was out of my mouth. "We could be...you know, intimate that way."

"Oh my god Ryan do you realize what you just said?" The look on her face filled me with grief.

"It's not impossible, I know it happens" I said quietly.

"Not here, not with us, I'm your mother and you're my son. Don't ever say that again."

"I'm sorry mom, really sorry, but it does happen. History is full of mothers and sons doing it, even getting married."

"We are not history Ryan. We are a 35 year old mother and her 19 year old son living in Topeka Kansas, trying to survive in the crazy world we live in."

"It is crazy mom and in this craziness, I'm in love with you. I have been for a long time."

"I know you are. The way a son loves his mother" she said.

"And more" I told her, "the way a man loves a woman."

"Stop it Ryan, Stop it right now. I don't want to hear any more. Go to your room." She yelled at me.

I looked down at her for a few seconds, realizing I'd made a big mistake. I shrugged my shoulders and told her "I'm sorry mom. I thought we could talk about anything. Guess I was wrong."

"Not anything, Ryan. Some things are way out of bounds, way, way, way out of bounds." I left her room, closing her door behind me.

For several days we stayed out of each other's way. Saturday night came and I went to the movies by myself and when I got home around ten I walked past her room, her door was open and a lamp was lit beside her bed. I glanced in as I walked by and saw she was propped up against her head board reading a magazine. "Ryan, can I see you for a moment." She said and I turned and stopped at her door, realizing it was time to face the music.

"You can come in" she said and I took several steps towards her bed, dreading what was coming. "She patted the bed beside her, "sit down for a minute, I think we should talk" she said looking serious and I did as she asked, making sure to keep my shoes off the covers. "About the other night" she started.

"I told you I was sorry." I interrupted.

"I know you did and I believe you were, but I have a question for you, did you mean what you said?"

"Said about what?"

"You told me you loved me like a man loves a woman and you implied, well really more than implied, that you wanted to have sex with me. Did you mean that?"

"What if I did?" I asked.

"Well for one thing that would be incest, mothers and sons are not supposed to have sex together." She said quietly "And for another thing it would change our relationship forever."

"So?"

"Ryan look at me" and I did. "If we did what you want to do, have sex together, our lives would never be the same. I'm hardly an expert on the subject, but I'm pretty sure that sex changes things Ryan, especially sex between a mother and her son." She looked at me then turned her head away, staring in front of her, suddenly looking very shy. Even her voice got soft as if she was hesitant to say what she felt needed to be said. "When a woman allows a man to take her, be inside her body, that way, she gives up all her defenses. She not only allows his body to become a part of hers, but she allows his sperm to enter her womb and possibly create another life."

"I know that" I told her.

"But a mother and son can't take that chance Ryan. If you made love to me right now, you could very well make me pregnant."

"Maybe, maybe not, but if we only did it once you probably wouldn't get pregnant."

She shook her head, still not looking at me, "That's not true Ryan, you are living proof that once is all it takes if that once happens at the wrong time of the month and one of your sperm finds one of my eggs inside my womb, our world would collapse."

"I could wear a rubber."

Now she looked at me, her face was flushed "Wow, that would be romantic wouldn't it?"

"It would work."

"Do you have a rubber handy Ryan?"

"No, but I can run and get one fast enough."

Again she shook her head "They don't always work anyway, and besides," she paused, then looked at me, "do you really think we would only do it once, just once and then never again. We'd just have sex one time, go on with our lives as if nothing had happened and never be tempted to do it again?"

"We could try" I said, not convincing either one of us.

Another shake of her beautiful head, "I don't think sex works that way Ryan, at least not when two people love each other. Once we did it with all the feelings and powerful sensations and emotions of having our two bodies joined so completely in that..very...intimate..way I don't believe we could just stop and never do it again."

"It sounds to me like you've thought about it mom." I said, realizing I'd crossed the line.

She was quiet for a full minute that seemed like an hour, a troubled look on her face as she chewed at her lower lip. She glanced at me for a second and then looked away again, "You're right, I have thought about it Ryan. Actually I've thought a lot about it since the other night."

"And?"

"And, because I love you and realize how badly you want to be with me that way I'm actually a little flattered, but mainly the idea just scares me, scares the hell out of me."

"Why?" She looked at me, her face now showing anger, "Why? Because you're my son. I gave birth to you. Your whole body came head first out of that hole between my legs that you seem so eager to climb back into."

"You make it sound ugly mom, I only want to make love to you."

"And what does that mean Ryan? What happens when you make love to me?"

"You know"

"Tell me. Tell me what it means. What happens when you make love to me?"

"Mom, you know" I told her, frustrated at her questions.

"I realize I know Ryan, but do you know?"

"Sure I know."

"Then tell me. I want to hear you tell me. How would you make love to me?" She was still propped up in bed, but she'd turned her body to face me, her face serious.

"I'd just do it; you know, take all your clothes off and lay down on top of you."

"And then what?"

"I'd put my" and I looked away from her and cleared my throat. "I'd put my, my thing in your, uh, inside your place and do it to you."

She actually smiled at that. "Let me see if I understand this. You'd make me naked, lie down on top of me, put your thing inside my place and do it to me, is that it?"

"Yes."

"Do you know where my place is?"

"Sure, it's between your legs."

"Do you know what it's called?"

"Pussy?"

Her eyes got big, "well that's one word for it, though there are others, some that women like even less. So you want to put your thing inside my pussy?" I shook my head yes. "Well aside from the fact that it sounds a little crude, what then?"

"We do it"

"Do what"

"It, you know...IT."

"No tell me"

"ERRRR! Fuck mom, we fuck! I lay on top of you, put my thing in your pussy and we fuck. I fuck you!"

She was quiet for a few seconds, just staring at me and then released her breath "Whew! that doesn't sound very romantic."

"It could be, would be, you just have me confused with all your questions."

She reached out and took my hand, "Ryan look at me" and I did. "I understand what you're saying and I know you don't mean it exactly the way you're saying it, but do you realize how really serious and earth shattering this thing you want us to do together really is?" I looked sideways at her. "You think it's so simple Ryan, just spread your legs wide open mom and let me get my penis inside you for a few minutes, but it isn't simple at all Ryan. You are asking me to give up everything I've ever believed in, everything I've ever considered normal and moral and right in order to have sex with you. Do you really want me to do that? Is taking your mother, is having me, being inside me in that very special way that important to you?"

"You said you thought about it" I told her.

"And I did think about it Ryan, I thought a lot about it."

"And?"

"And... I can't deny that I think it would be powerful and emotional, probably the most powerful and emotional thing I've ever experienced to feel my son, to feel you Ryan, on top of me, inside of me, moving in me, spraying your seed inside me, loving me in that special way. but,"

"But what?"

"But, I don't know, it's just so complicated and messy, very, very messy. We'd be breaking the law and every moral code ever written and how could I ever look you in the eyes again after I let you do that to me, after you possessed me, entered my body with your penis and shot your sperm up inside my womb? That's for lovers to do, husbands and wives, not mothers and sons." Her eyes filled with tears and one leaked down her cheek. I kicked my shoes off and scooted next to her on the bed and put my arm around her.

"I love you so much mom"

"I know you do Ryan and I love you."

"Then let me show you."

"I can't, we can't, not that way."

"Yes we can mom, we can." I let go of her hand and put my free arm around her stomach and held her arm and pulled down on her body, trying to get her to lie on the bed. "Slide down on the bed with me mom, give yourself to me and let me love you."

"Ryan no" she told me and used her hands against the bed to try to keep her body in a sitting position but my insistent tugging on her slowly forced her down, onto her side on the bed, she tightened her body and arched it away from me, her head against my chest. I kissed the side of her face. "I need to get up now" she said and tried to pull away from me.

"Wait a minute, not yet, let's talk." I told her while I held her in place.

"We have talked Ryan, and I can see you've made up your mind, but I haven't."

"You just told me you think it would be wonderful" I told her.

"No, I didn't say wonderful, I said powerful and emotional, not wonderful. I could also say life altering and scary, horribly scary Ryan."

"It's not going to hurt mom."

"Not my body maybe, but it's been over 19 years since I've done it so that might not even be true, but it will certainly hurt my mind."

"Why mom?"

"Because you are my son Ryan. Can't you understand that? I carried you inside me when I was just a young girl and through more pain than I ever imagined possible I gave birth to you and changed your diapers and washed your little penis when I bathed you and I'm just not ready to have you put that penis back inside of me."

"It's not so little anymore" I told her.

"And that makes it worse because now that penis can make me pregnant."

"I kissed her head again and said "mom, I love you, I want you."

"Let me go Ryan and go to your room. I mean it."

"But you said it would be powerful."

"And it would be Ryan, but not now, maybe not ever. Let me go." And I did. She got off the bed and stood up, her face was flushed. "Now go to bed." she told me and I got off her bed.

"I'm sorry I made you mad mom." I told her.

"You didn't make me mad Ryan. I can tell how badly you want to have me and as I said, in a way it's flattering. Just not now, not yet, maybe never, I have to think about it. It would be the most important decision I ever made in my life, and I can't make it right now, goodnight."

"Goodnight" I told her and went to my room. I took off my clothes and lay on my bed, naked, staring at the ceiling. I wanted to masturbate, but I hesitated. The walls in our home were thin and I thought I heard a sound from my mother's room. I stood and put my ear to the wall and listened. It sounded like she was crying. I felt terrible. It was my fault she was sad. I tried to make her do something that was repugnant to her, but she said she thought about it and that it would be powerful and emotional, then why was she crying. I held my breath and listened intently.

She sobbed and said, "What can I do? What should I do? I know he wants me, but I'm scared, really scared." Then her sobbing quieted and I couldn't hear anything so I laid back down on my bed, pulled the sheet up around my waist and slowly drifted off to sleep.

I'm not sure how long I slept, but something woke me, a presence, someone sitting on the side of my bed, a hand touching my arm, a voice.

"Ryan, are you awake?"

"Yes, yes mom, what's the matter, are you ok?"

"I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry about earlier. You bared your heart to me and I didn't respond to you very well."

"Its ok mom, I shouldn't have been such a pig."

"You weren't a pig Ryan. You told me how you felt, you were being honest. It just surprised me. I guess I never really understood how badly you wanted me, wanted to have me, you know, that way."

"I've wanted you that way for a long time mom, I just never got the nerve to tell you before, that's all." In the dim room light I saw her smile weakly. Her sweet face was tear stained.

"Do you really understand what a major event that would be in my life, in both our lives, the secret that we would have to keep the rest of our lives?"

"I do mom. It's always been you and me against everyone and everything else. We're a team, the two of us and I just want to get as close to you as I can."

"Well, if we had sex you would be about as close to me as you could ever get." She was quiet for a minute and I was afraid she was going to leave and go back to her room, but she surprised me. "Can I lie down beside you for a minute?"

"Sure you can" I told her.

"I think I just need a hug" she told me and snuggled next to me. I put one arm under her neck and draped the other across her stomach and held her waist and pulled her close to me. "Thank you Ryan. This feels nice." she said. "I've never had a strong man hold me like this. I had a strong man pin me down on the boiler room floor a long time ago, but it didn't feel good like this."

"I'm glad I'm that strong man that can make you feel good mom."

"Me too" she murmured, "You're my baby, my rock."

We stayed like that for quite awhile, not speaking, just feeling the closeness of each other, but I could tell that she was thinking. I kissed the side of her face and she snuggled closer. I allowed my hand to move up and down her side, caressing her through the soft material of her nightgown, occasionally letting my palm brush lightly against the side of her breast, it was so soft. The first few times I did it she didn't say or do anything, until I did it one more time, only slowly, allowing my hand to graze fully across her left breast, feeling her softness, my fingers nudging her nipple. I felt her inhale sharply, then she spoke softly, "Ryan, please understand, I won't baby, I can't."

"Won't what mom?" She turned slightly so that her face rested on my naked chest. I felt her kiss me softly there.

"I won't stop you. I mean, if you want me that way, if it's so important for you to have me, to be with me in that way I won't stop you. I can't help you do it with me, but if you need to have me now, you know, go ahead and do it to me, I'll spread my legs and lay here and let you... you know, take me the way you want me."