Conflict of Desire

The drumming of his fingers across the stone plate of the bar matched the seconds slowly ticking themselves off the clock. It had been one of the slowest days imaginable, not that that wasn't to be expected. The business always slowed down to a shear halt when the summer brought all the warm sunlight, and with it drawing the people of this small Iowa town out in to its warm glory for a wide variety of activities. That, of course, did not include sitting in a burger joint allowing the cool recipes of summertime bliss he could concoct to quench their ever ripening thirst.

With no people came plenty of time for thinking, and currently that was the last thing he should be doing. The reason for that is for the last year all that had consumed his mind was her. The love of his life that had walked away one July night had been on his mind at least once an hour for the last year. It was her that consumed his dreams; it was her that still had his heart. Oh sure there had been other girls to date over the last year, but none could measure up. She was everything to him, and that emptiness now sat in the bottom of his soul like the cavern of the dead once spoke of by the outlaws of the Badlands.

Those thoughts had rained their destructive force down on him. He had allowed them to consume him yet again, and yet once more had yielded to the siren call of his addiction. He turned his arms over looking at the now permanent reminder of what the effects of a night of drinking the best that Uncle Putin can offer, and the silent dance of the cold bite of steel against flesh. The scars, while small, were very evident and counted at least twenty more to the already staggering total.

The irony in all of this is how quickly ones' mind can drift from the sadness of the present to the hope of the future. He had played this moment out a hundred times in his mind, and in every instance it ended the same way. He felt the tide beginning to rise in him once again as he began to conjure up the images that would elicit behaviors in his body that would be evident by the normal on looker. Yet, he didn't care. In this moment of boredom, and wishing, he succumbed to the power of his mind as he dreamed up the impossible scenario.

He would be standing at the bar, just getting ready to walk out from behind its shallow cavern, to attend to some tables errand when he would be hit by a warm dash of air caused to stir due to the opening of the heavy glass front door. He would only half way look in that direction, a force of occupational habit, but something would trigger a double take. A form would walk into the establishment, and greet the host with a polite yet urgent smile. As she would be talking with the young host her eyes would begin to seek out their intended target until they would meet his. In that very instant her walls would come crashing down, knowing she had completed her mission in the searching of him. Relief and excitement would wash over her as she would move deliberately towards him only longing to touch him again. Her sole purpose in that moment would be to feel his beard against her cheek; his arms wrapped lovingly around her, and,with hope, his lips upon hers.

The world would appear differently from his end. He would see her, and in a split second two things would happen. One- his heart would melt as he wondered if he were dreaming the fact that she was indeed in front of him. Could it be so? Could this be happening? His heart would question every second of this moment until he would touch her and realize that this was no dream.

The second part of his heart in this moment would not allow this to take place. For as quickly as the heart would melt, the ice from the brain would freeze all emotions shut. Immediately the remembrance of that year long suffering would shoot to the forefront and shut down everything else. He would grow cold, and know not what to do.

Her touch would cause a conundrum. He would long to be touched by her, but would he be willing to instantly forgive all the pain and abandonment the last year had offered. The feeling of being totally alone wouldn't go so easily. He would see her ocean blue eyes, and remember swimming in them. The look of them when he first confessed his love for her was still one of his favorite memories. The look in them when she had ripped his heart out was one of his worst.

Words would not find themselves easily on her tongue. She had plenty of time during her drive to write, and re-write speech after speech practicing them on the radio and any other ghosts that might have been traveling with her. Suddenly all of those words were gone. The moment had presented itself to her, and the enormity of it was dwarfing her courage. She knew before she could even take one step towards him that this was going to be a fight. Not so much of a fight between them in anger or public display, but of wills and of heart. She knew she had crushed him, but what he didn't know was that she had thought of him as much as he had of her. The fight was going to be to re-convince him of this fact. To prove to him that she did in fact love him and that very fire was still lit in her soul.

And she had a weapon suited for just this task. Their connection had been so strong that they had practically been in each other's minds. She knew how he turned everything around so that he would wear the blame, even if it was not his to wear. He knew she was as scarred on the inside as he was on the outside. Many bad experiences had led to her keeping her distance and not willing him to get close to her.

"Hi" she would begin nervously. As the word hung there in the open space between them the doubt already grew in her mind. Had this been a mistake? Only time would tell.

"Hey" he replies. No emotion in his one syllable. Just three letters nothing more.

"I'm not really sure what to say here" she confesses." How have you been?" Her eyes flickered as the regret of that question instantly filled her mind.

He could have made things really hard on her there, but he knew this couldn't be easy for her, so why make it worse? He did after all still love her. That didn't mean that this moment wasn't increasingly becoming more awkward.

"So, what brings you here?" the lack of enthusiasm could have been mistaken for coldness, but really he was trying to bury his emotions deep.

"Well, I need to say I miss you. Like, I miss you more than I have ever missed anyone. And I know not much has changed in our lives. I also know you love the grand gesture so I was hoping that maybe me showing up unannounced could be grand enough for us to talk and maybe see if we still had a spark?"

Those were the last words he was expecting. The coldness in her voice when she had ended things made it seem as though he was never even a second thought to her. He felt like he had been forgotten the moment he walked out her door. This had only been confirmed by her lack of communication after the break up. Who lets someone drive sixteen hours and doesn't make sure they at least got home ok? That didn't really say love in his book.

Yet as he gazed into her eyes he felt the warmth of love and desire filling him. He wanted to touch her, to taste her, to have her wrapped in his arms and know that they were one again. The conflict was great. He knew touching her would be dangerous, and so he did the only thing he could to make sure he did not elicit the temptation any further, he turned on his heel and began back around the bar.

The humiliation of defeat slowly crept from her stomach to her heart. It would have been easy to just let it end, walk away and never look back. But that was not who she was. Either help me or get out of my way was one of her life mottos. Her next move had to be played perfectly, and she knew it. She waited until he was behind the bar with his back turned to her before she approached the bar from the other side.

"I know I hurt you, and it hurt me too. I did what I did because I needed to protect myself from what I was feeling. I was going through a lot of changes and frankly I was scared. I left you because I thought I needed more than you offered, and what I see is that while you have your faults and areas of lacking, so do I. You treated me the way you would treat anyone that carried my nickname from you... like a queen. I don't want to live another day without you. I will, but ..." she looked down at the bar as he hadn't even turned around to look at her during her speech. It felt pointless to go on any further. She took out a sheet of paper from her purse and wrote a quick note. She turned and walked towards the door, only taking one last look at his back before leaving.

The host came to the bar when she noticed he was not turning around. She grabbed the note and held it out to him. A few seconds later he turned to face her; his eyes were red and filled with tears. The host came around the bar, took him in her arms trying to be of comfort. She knew how hard the last year had been on him.

"I think she's serious this time. I really don't think she is walking away again." And with that she handed him the note and returned to her duties. Gratitude was all he could feel for her as he looked at the note in his hands. Through teary eyes he read what had been left for him.

"I'm at the same place I stayed the only time I was in this town, if you change your mind. I'm going home in two days. I will only accept forever, for that's what I'm willing to give. Valleys and peaks, the three of us can do this. You, me and God together forever." He wept.

She would arrive home four days later, exhausted and disappointed. She had wanted to make things right and felt like she had given it her best. She also felt like he was a fool for letting her re-walk away, but that was his deal to live with, not hers. Maybe God hadn't wanted this all along. Her bedroom felt safe and comfortable as she half stomped into it, still feeling the slight sting of the weekend. Her dog nipping at her heels, grateful to be back from the boarding kennel she had to leave it at for the duration of her quest gave her a quick, and almost immediate, lifting in her spirit. No matter what, the presence of the little rascal made her feel better and quickly drove a small smile to her lips.

The shower sent out a silent come hither, and she quickly immersed herself in the stinging droplets slowly melting away everything she was feeling. All too quickly the soothing heat had turned to icy pelts, and she silently wondered how long she had been in there, and begrudging slid out of the spray and quickly dried to help ease the transition back into the normal temperature.

As soon as she was in her favorite bedtime attire (a blue t-shirt and low riding pink short shorts) the urge to finalize the day with a glass of pinot grigio was too much to turn down. The cool fluid filled her glass quickly and in no time at all she and her furry friend were cuddled on the couch prepared for a night of Netflix, and wine.

No sooner had she hit the play button on some movie that was in her queue, did an almost soft rapping occur on her door. Looking at the time she could not possibly know who would want anything from her. She begged and pleaded against all hopes that it was not the guy she had just been seeing. That ordeal was not something she wished to re-hash, especially considering the way things had gone in Iowa.

Her mouth dropped open as she looked out the peep hole and could not believe what she saw. There standing in the hallway was the treasure she had gone all that distance to find. Could this be happening? She had to admit that he was cold towards her; no matter if she thought she may have deserved a small piece of it, but this, this was almost a slap in the face.

Sure she had put herself out there, but he had a chance to make it right. She gave him the grand gesture, and it wasn't enough, and now he had the audacity to show up here, knocking on her door.

Yet her heart leapt into her throat as she reached for the lock. A moment of hesitation stood in her mind as she felt the cold steel in her fingers. She needed to know what was so important that he would drive all this way, after she had already given him his chance to be with her again. That rejection still lived in her. Despite that her fingers turned the lock.

The air that hit her was suddenly chilly just as it would be before the clouds let loose rain. A very quick glance told her that in fact a storm must be brewing. She took a small step out into the un-walled hallway as she closed the door behind her, being careful to leave her foot at the bottom of the door for as long as possible to make sure her furry companion did not seize the opportunity to make a run for it.

"Dare I ask what brings you to my door four days after I basically threw myself at you?" there was a little ice in her voice as the question came out.

"First I need to say I admire you." These were not words she was expecting. "It took a lot of courage to do what you did, and for that I admire you, and I am grateful. I was a jerk to you in Iowa, and for that I am sorry." It was here that she really looked at him for the first time. His hair was a mess, and his goatee had turned into a full-fledged beard that had a thickness to it that she was not sure she liked. How she did not notice that earlier was beyond her, but she did have a lot on her mind and sometimes when one is too focused the small details can elude one's mind.

"I am sorry for hurting you, and I hope you can understand and forgive me. The last year has been hell on me. I never thought in a million years I would ever hear your voice again, let alone ever see your face again. And when you walked in, it was almost too much to take. I had told you before I thought you were my one and only. But you walked away, and chose someone else over me." She had never said that was the reason she had ended things, and she now had to admire his keenness of the previous situation. It kind of shocked her how perceptive he was about her.

"So here I am now, trying to do for you what you did for me. I want you, I always have. I have dreamt of you every night for the last year. You are always in my thoughts. While not always in a good way, and yes I have spoken ill of you, as one would speak of someone who destroyed their heart, all I ever wanted was you. Not what you do or what you offer. Just you. You were always good enough for me; I'm just not sure you ever really thought I was good enough for you."

"But you..." she tried to cut in, only to be cut off just as quickly.

"No, I have had a year to ponder this! A year!! You took away a year out of my life, no our lives, that we could have had. And while admittedly not much has changed in my life, and all those things you said you were worried about have not all be addressed, my feelings for you have not changed. Yes at times I have hated you for walking away, but at the end of the day all I want is to wrap you in my arms as you tell me about your day. To hold your hand as we walk along the road. I want to be the last person to kiss your lips, and the last thought that you have at night, just as you have been mine."

"I understand where some of your hesitation came from. The problem was you would tell me of these things you had done with other guys. Truth be told some of them were hot. Like thinking of you pressed against the window of your old house. So I would want to re-enact them with you, and you always turned me down, accusing me of wanting to share you, when in reality, I was just wanting to fulfill you and me. And when you turned me down it was like you were telling me I didn't measure up, or that I did not ever have the hold of your passions the way they did. Basically I felt like a fling"

"And not just because of all of that, but because of how this ended. You never even called or texted me to make sure I had gotten home ok. I was someone you had talked about marriage with, and yet I wasn't even deserving of a phone call. One phone call is..."

She cut him off with a kiss to lips that almost felt like it came out of nowhere. She knew it was hard for him, but it had been hard for her as well. They both needed to heal, and sometimes a kiss is just the tool for that task. She didn't mean for it to be a long kiss, just long enough to break up his negative ramblings. There would be more time for talking, but right now she needed to feel his love.

Soon her lips were parting inviting a deeper more intimate kiss. She wanted to taste him again, to feel his arms wrapped around her, and he wanted to pull her in more than anything, but there was more on his mind.

He pulled back to try and get another word out, and partly succeeded. One or two unidentifiable syllables came out before her lips found his again as lightning flashed across the sky. This time her mouth would be consumed by his no matter the cost. His resolve was lessoning as his hands found her hips. He started to push her away, but the mere feel of her was too much to resist. What began as an attempt to create distance quickly turned into a wanton tightening of his grip. Soon his lips parted and his tongue found her eager mouth.

The rain slowly began to fall and they could feel it lightly hitting them in the open hallway of her apartment building. Normally she would be concerned about what her neighbors would think of the on goings of her personal life, but he was far more important to her right now than their opinions. She wrapped her arms around his neck as he wrapped his arms around her back pulling her closer. Soon his mouth moved from her lips to her cheek, then slowly down her jaw line giving her little nips along the way. God had she missed those. Soon his mouth was on her neck and she felt her blood go hot. Another flash of lightning crossed the sky as thunder gave its low growl. The rain began to intensify, so she began to slowly back towards the door, trying hard not to break the connection they had. Step by step she moved and was rewarded with his matching movements.

Her hand found the knob of the door as another bolt of lightning lit up the sky. His hands had dug into her backside as she turned the knob and they both almost ended up on the floor as the door gave way. His lips returned to hers as he kicked the door shut. As soon as the door was shut she pushed him back against it to try and shift momentum to her desires. Soon it was her that was nipping at exposed flesh, working her way to one of his favorite spots, the base of his neck.

She pulled down his shirt a little bit to lightly bite him and taste the saltiness of his dried sweat in that little spot. Thunder rumbled and the lightning tore through the sky. His moan was almost lost in the other sound. Her hands began to slide up the front of his shirt, while his made their way on her back.

He had missed the feeling of her skin, and reveled in the feeling of her now. The creamy milky color she had almost made her glow at times. Another bolt of lightning soared across the sky, and with it went the lights of the apartment. If either one noticed it went undetected as their passion and lust grew.

She felt, rather than saw, the scars on his collarbone. This caused her a second of thought, as he had been honest of his cutting addiction. She slowed the pace of her kisses to try and convey a different quality. She went from primal need, to a softer more tender need. She wanted his safety and trust. She lightly kissed the scars on his collarbone, and then moved to his shoulder where another ten lived. She kissed each of them without hesitation or fear. With the last one, she drew out her tongue and licked it. It was a weird feeling, the elevated skin creating ridges that she could measure with the use of her mouth. After the first she needed to do it again, and again. Slowly the primal urge began to take over.