Subway Girl Ch. 02

It had been a full week since the first time Alicia hugged me. Now I planned my day around those few seconds when I might see her. I didn't have anywhere else to be, but I wanted to be sure I was at the station when she got off the subway. The note I held in my pocket said hugging me was the bright spot in her day. Somehow that made it feel like I had a responsibility, but it wasn't one that made me feel like running. Alicia needed a hug every day after work and I got to be the one to give it to her.

I had been thinking about things I had not been paying attention to for a long time. Like the fact that she had only seen me in the same set of clothes, and yet every time I saw her she looked fresh and pretty. It's probably okay that I wore the same jeans and jacket and maybe she didn't notice my shirt. I hoped she didn't think I smelled bad. I was thinking about all this when I passed a barber shop. I dreaded the thought of getting my hair cut and subjecting some barber to my gross nappy head, but now I was considering it. I peered inside and saw the barber sitting alone reading the newspaper. The fact that there was no one else in there gave me the courage to stick my head in the door and asked him how much for a haircut. "Fifteen bucks," he answered without looking up. If he had looked up, he probably would have said thirty. Fifteen bucks meant three days' worth of food, but I decided to go for it. Who knows when I might get another chance to get a haircut in privacy? I entered the door and he looked up and set his paper down.

I felt ashamed of myself, but I sucked it up because I knew I needed to get this over with. I sat in his chair and took off my hat and looked at him to see his response. He didn't look shocked; he just asked, "Are we taking it all off then?"

"Leave whatever you can. I realize there isn't much to work with."

He held up a dread on top and said "I can put some stuff in here that will loosen it up, but most of it will have to come off. I can leave about an inch on top."

"I appreciate that."

He started snipping off dreads and we both were silent. I watched the matted patches of hair fall to the ground and they reminded me of a bunch of little rodents. I wished they would scurry away, go hide in the corner or under some chairs. The man was a middle-aged black guy wearing what looked like a white lab coat over his clothes, and he seemed deep in concentration. He continued to work in silence, detaching the rodents from my scalp and tossing them to the floor. I watched quietly until I couldn't take it anymore, "So is this the worst you've ever seen?"

"What, this?" He laughed. "Man, I have been at this a long time. This ain't even that interesting. You know what I saw a few weeks ago? This dude came in who never had a haircut in his life! Seventeen years old and never had a haircut before -- scissors never touched his head!"

"No shit? Why?"

"Dude was a Sikh, man. They ain't supposed to cut their hair. Dude unwrapped this turban thing and had hair down past his ass. His dad too!"

"What made him cut it?"

"His dad finally let him. They had been fighting about it forever, until one day he took a bunch of pills and tried to kill himself! Then his dad said, 'Okay, the hair can go.'"

"Really? Kill yourself over hair?"

"Well it ain't just that, man, it was the control thing his dad and his religion had over him. Funny -- long hair used to mean freedom, but for this kid it was the opposite. His dad hugged him when it was done and it felt pretty intense up in here."

"Hugs can be potent."

"So can religion. So can father-son relations. So what's your story, man? How'd you get hair like this? Don't look intentional."

"I stopped taking care of myself."

"No shit. How come? You depressed?"

I had not thought about that question before and no one had asked me. In fact, this conversation with the barber was the longest anyone had spoken to me in months. I thought back over the past year and how I felt when Carlos had a family to go home to, and how I couldn't find a new job. I thought about how letting first Thomas and then Jeff move in had ended up kicking me out of my own place, and what a bad decision that was. I thought about how I walked around in a daze everyday, just existing, killing time. "Yeah, I guess I was depressed," I answered.

"Well I hope you come out of it, my man. You're young, got your whole life ahead of you, and now you got a nice haircut. Hey, why don't you let me give you a shave since you're gettin' all cleaned up?"

I agreed and when he was done he turned me around and handed me a small mirror so I could see the back of my head. That's when I looked into the big mirror for the first time. I studied my reflection and was kind of surprised to see that I looked like myself. I expected some older guy to be looking back at me, a guy that looked like he had been living on the streets. Instead, I saw a young, decent-looking clean-cut Ray with light brown skin and dark hair I got from my Puerto Rican Mom, and the greenish eyes that my Irish Dad passed along. The outsides didn't match how I felt inside, and I was glad about that.

"Hey, thanks, man." I paid the barber, shook his hand and left. I walked outside with a naked feeling, as if I lost my shield. I had become used to feeling invisible. I wondered if people might stare at me, but to my relief I was just another anonymous New Yorker walking down a busy street.

After my haircut I was hungry so I went to a busy fast-food place looking for scraps that people left on their trays. The thought of eating other people's food was really making me sick on this particular day, but I had already spent my food money. I finally couldn't take it and broke down for the cheap stuff on the value menu. I ate it but couldn't enjoy the lousy meal knowing I would run out of money before the month ended. I spent the rest of the afternoon at the library reading and charging my phone. I got a text from a high school buddy saying he would be coming to the city that weekend, but I didn't answer him. I really didn't feel like seeing anyone and explaining what I had been up to.

I arrived at the subway station at 5:00 and was glad Robbie wasn't there that day to make a scene or ask for money. When the 5:15 subway arrived I saw Alicia right away. She looked at me and smiled, then looked down all bashful-like. I watched her walking towards me and when she got close I held my arms open and she stepped into my embrace. I inhaled deeply and smelled her fresh hair. She backed up and was smiling, "Hey, you shaved!"

"Got a haircut too," I said, lifting my baseball cap to show her my groomed hair. Then I realized she never knew how bad it was having not seen me without my hat.

"Very clean-cut," she said. "It looks good."

"I liked your note. My name is Ray."

"Nice to meet you, Ray," she giggled and stuck out her hand. "Kinda' funny to shake your hand when we went straight to hugging each other."

"Well, I like hugging you too, Alicia." She smiled and looked down. She seemed very shy when it came to conversation, and that surprised me. She seemed so bold and brave to hug me in the first place. I didn't know what to say but I didn't want her to walk away so I teased her, "Do you always hug random strangers in subway stations?"

"Well, you kind of asked," she laughed. "Plus, I wanted to thank you."

"For what?"

"For helping me that day."

I just stared at her blue eyes having no idea what she was talking about, so she went on, "Don't you remember? A few weeks ago the latch on my briefcase broke and everything spilled out and you didn't say anything, just got on your knees and started gathering up my papers? I never got a chance to thank you because you took off so quickly."

"Oh yeah," I lied. The truth is I had no memory of it, but it wasn't out of character. I decided she would know better than me since I had been walking around in a haze.

"Well, I bought a new briefcase with a zipper after that."

"I can see that," I said. I wished I knew what to say next, but aside from talking to the barber that morning, I was really out of practice with conversation.

She stood there for a few seconds looking at me and looking away, then said, "Well, I'd better go. I have a class tonight."

"Okay. Bye, Alicia."

"Bye, Ray. See you tomorrow," and she walked away. She turned around after about twenty steps and waved. I waved back and said, "See ya'." I cursed myself for not talking more. Why didn't I ask what kind of class? Maybe it was good I didn't say too much. I could have easily blown it and at least I knew I would see her the next day.

* * * * *

I slept in my apartment that night and even took a shower. I stopped by in the evening to see if the guys paid their rent but it was empty and dark. I slept in my clothes on the couch and was woken by Thomas in the early morning. He looked like hell. He told me he paid his part of the rent but had not seen Jeff and that Jeff still needed to pay. He asked if he could have the couch and I gave it to him. Neither of us wanted to sleep on the cot and I couldn't sleep with him there anyway. It was almost 5:00 so I headed out to the donut shop. I didn't drink coffee when I first moved to New York but now I did. It's cheap and comes with refills and sometimes they even give it out for free at churches and stuff. Plus, it buys real estate. You can park in one spot for a long time with a cup of coffee and a book. I was reading a book called Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, about this kid who loses his dad in one of the Twin Towers. It's a sad book but funny at times and I liked how the kid was a loner roaming all over New York by himself.

I bought a donut and ate it, but I was still hungry so I bought a second. I was growing more concerned about the rate I was burning through my money these past two days and I knew I wouldn't make it to the end of the month.

At 8:30 I started walking back to the library knowing they open at 9:00. I wanted to hang out there and read and if I got there early I could sit in one of those comfortable chairs by a window. As I was walking down the street I see these two guys coming down a stoop carrying a fridge and the guy on the bottom was cussing and yelling so I stepped over and started helping him. We got the fridge set down on the ground and he thanked me and asked if I could help him get it into the back of the truck that was parked right there, so I said sure. Afterwards he brushed his hands off on his pants and looked me up and down and said "You workin'?"

I shook my head and said no.

"You want to work today? One of my guys didn't show up. It's just grunt work; we are clearing out this apartment. Some asswipe left it a sick mess. Pays a hundred bucks a day. Cash."

Did I want to make a hundred bucks? Hell yes, I did. I couldn't believe my luck! He introduced himself as Don and the other guy as Lenny and I shook both their hands. I followed Don and Lenny up the stoop, into the building, and up the stairs into a disgusting little apartment full of boxes and trash and a few pieces of beat up furniture, including a soiled mattress. "We gotta get all this crap outta here and get the walls ready to paint. Tomorrow I want to paint and have new fixtures in before the carpet gets put in. Landlord wants to show it this weekend." I couldn't imagine the place being habitable by then, but it wasn't my business. I just started helping carry things down to the truck. We got the big stuff out first and then there was a ton of little crap. It really was a stinky foul mess.

The hours went by really fast and I didn't say much but learned a lot about their business and their families by listening to Don and Lenny's conversation. There was an ease between them that led me to believe they had known each other a long time. Don owned the business and both men busted each other's balls a lot, but I noticed Don also asked Lenny's opinion on some work stuff. Both men seemed to be around mid-forties, but Don was stout with a pot belly and Lenny was tall and lanky. At one point Lenny left to take a load to the dump and when he came back he brought three turkey sandwiches. We sat out on the stoop to eat them and I tried to eat mine really slowly, so I wouldn't look like a ravenous pig. It was the best meal I had had in a long time.

Don asked me a few questions about what I had done for work in the past and I told him about my old job and how I worked for my dad's plumbing business. This got him really excited and he asked if I could remove the sink and toilet and I said sure, but I didn't have any tools. He laughed and said he had tools but hated plumbing, so I went into the bathroom and worked alone for a while.

I noticed it was getting late and we still had a way to go. I started to think I wouldn't make it to the station by the time Alicia got there and I was getting really anxious until I realized that this was a rare chance for me to make some money. At least I knew where she would be the next day since she was pretty consistent, but I didn't want her to think I didn't want to be there. My mind went back and forth but I knew I needed to keep working and when five o'clock came we were finally done. There was no way I was going to make it to the station on time, but when Don reached into his wallet and handed me a Benjamin, I knew I had done the right thing. Then he asked me if I could come back the next day and help put the new fixtures in and I said, "Hell yeah," and shook his hand.

I was disappointed I did not see Alicia, but felt almost euphoric over having some money in my pocket and the chance to make some more the next day. I decided I'd better go buy a pair of jeans and a shirt or two, but I didn't go crazy spending. Luckily I found some jeans on sale. I still ate off the value menu and sitting there it struck me that I had eaten three meals that day. I walked down the crowded sidewalk towards my apartment, feeling really odd. It almost made me uncomfortable to feel so different, like things were changing rapidly and I wasn't in control. I had interacted with more people in the past few days than in the several weeks prior. It felt overwhelming.

Arriving at my building, I was uncertain about going upstairs, not sure what I would find and if it would ruin this odd but peaceful state of mind I was experiencing. I knocked on Louisa's door and asked if she could wash my new clothes that night so I could wear them to work the next day. She said yes and gave me the okay to knock on her door as early as 6:00 a.m.

I went to my door and put my ear up to it, but did not hear anything. I decided to skip knocking and just use the key. Thomas was still on the couch passed out and Jeff was nowhere to be seen. There were beer bottles strewn all over the floor near Thomas and he smelled like piss. I decided to take a chance and sleep on the cot, hoping he would just sleep through the night. I set the alarm on my phone and kept it in my pocket and lay down with my clothes on and thought about Alicia. I wondered if she was disappointed I wasn't at the subway station to hug her. I hoped so.

* * * * *

When my phone alarm vibrated, I felt startled wondering where I was, then remembered I had slept in the apartment. I was startled at the fact that I had slept so many hours in a row. Thomas was still passed out on the couch and I could smell the sweet-and-sour, putrid stink of alcohol and piss coming off him. I knew it was normal for him to stay up for days and sleep for days and I knew I did not want to be there when he woke up. I took a quick shower and even found some bottled soap in the medicine cabinet, but still had no towel. I retrieved my new clean clothes from Louisa and came back to change, being careful not to wake Thomas. I stopped at Louisa's one more time with my dirty laundry and she said, "Work hard, Ray." I agreed and meant it.

I still had time for coffee and a donut before making it back to the jobsite with plenty of time to spare. The apartment we were working on was empty now and Lenny started patching up the holes in the wall while I helped Don carry up a new bathroom sink and toilet. He asked me if I could hook them up and I said sure. It took a few hours and when I got done he had a garbage disposal for me to hook up and then I got to paint. I actually like painting but Don told me I was being too picky -- that this wasn't the Taj Mahal. Yeah, no kidding. It was almost as sick as my place, just a little bigger and the windows faced the street instead of looking into someone else's apartment. At least it had new stuff in it now, but everything we put in was low-quality, cheap stuff. Don said in this rental bracket they just put in the cheap stuff knowing it would need replacing. Then he told me that sometimes they got to work on nice places and they had one next week on the other side of town.

I was worried that I wouldn't get to see Alicia that day, but we got kicked out of the apartment at 2:00 so that the carpet guys could do their thing, and Don told me I could come back the next day if I wanted. He still paid me a hundred bucks and I said it wasn't even a full day but he said the day before was extra long. Then he asked for my number saying he would text me about tomorrow.

I decided to get a hot dog and wait in the park until it got closer to 5:00. I watched some kids playing soccer, and I watched a lot of women pushing strollers, and I watched a lot of tourists, and I watched a lot of joggers. I read more Extremely Loud and decided to call my dad and tell him I had a job, even though I did not know how long it would last. I got his answering machine and told him there.

Finally it was five o'clock and I was at the subway station waiting for Alicia. I saw her before the doors opened. She saw me too and smiled and walked straight to my open arms. I hugged her a long time this time. Now that I knew she liked hugging me I felt less nervous about it and not so scared that it would never happen again.

"I had to work late yesterday. Sorry I missed you," I said.

"Oh, I figured it was something like that."

"I want to walk you home."

She looked at me surprised and said, "I really don't know you that well, Ray."

"Yeah, but I want to get to know you."

"Well," she paused, "I don't want you to know where I live just yet."

That had not occurred to me, but it made sense. She really did not know me, so I appreciated the fact that she didn't know if I was a crazy guy or not. I also noticed she said "yet" and that made me happy.

"How 'bout just part of the way?" I asked.

She smiled and said that was a good idea and we walked out of the subway station. I offered to carry her briefcase, but she declined. I started asking her questions and she asked me some. I learned that she was two years older than me and that she had moved to New York from California less than a year ago. She worked in an office doing accounting in Greenwich Village, and that she was still going to school to become a CPA. She asked about me and I told her how I came to the city with Carlos and how we lost our jobs after a year but I stayed and that I just got a new job doing construction. I surprised myself at how normal I made my life sound.

Alicia told me about her family, that her parents are still married and that she has two little sisters in California and that they would all be coming for a visit in a month. I told her about how my mom died during my senior year in high school and how I still missed her everyday. Then she stopped and showed me a picture of herself with her sisters on her phone. They were at the beach and they were all wearing swimsuits. The photo showed them from the waist up and Alicia looked really hot in her blue bikini top. She reached for the phone and I told her to hold up, that I wasn't done looking at it and she laughed, but I said I wasn't kidding.