Marti had awoken from her best night's sleep since, well ever, to find she was alone in her room. This was not an unusual occurrence as regardless of how late she stayed up Savannah would wake up before the crack of dawn, and would have prayed, showered, dressed and had breakfast long before any of her other fellow Hellcats. But Marti would have thought that this would have been an exception, or that at least Savannah would wake her up so they could snuggle, and more importantly talk. Then again Marti was a pretty heavy sleeper so maybe Savannah tried and failed to wake her... no, it was far more likely the brunette just let her sleep which Marti appreciated. She was awake now though, and she wanted to see Savannah. She needed too.
So Marti went looking for Savannah. She ended up spending the entire day looking, the blonde becoming more frantic as every second ticked by.
Savannah wasn't at her parents' home, or in The RAT, or in Cheer Town, or anywhere at the University, or any church in the local area, Marti checking the last three places multiple times throughout the day.
She asked Dan if he knew where Savannah was, but he simply replied he didn't and then there was this long awkward pause between them. It was like he knew what Marti had done with Savannah barely an hour after Dan had broken up with her, which Marti had to admit wasn't exactly the actions of a good friend. It hadn't been her intention of course but that was a lame excuse and she was in no hurry to give it, or to discuss what was going on with her and Savannah with anyone except the cheerleader captain. So she had lamely excused herself, almost literally ran away from him and kept all her following conversations brief as she asked around to see if anyone knew where Savannah was. At least until she had talked to every member of the Hellcats except one.
At the end of the day, even though she really didn't want too, Marti knocked on Alice's door, barely waiting until it open before practically yelling, "Is she here?"
"Hello to you too." Alice smirked.
"Is she here?" Marti repeated firmly before adding, "Have you seen her? Do you know where she is?"
"Your girlfriend?" Alice questioned in a mocking tone, before quickly adding, "No. Haven't seen her. No one has. But I'm guessing you already knew that."
There was a moment of silence as Marti quietly acknowledged to herself that she was acting like a crazy person, and she really kind of hoped she was wrong because she didn't want Savannah to see her like this. Then she roughly shoved Alice out the way, entered the other Hellcat's room and frantically looked around.
Empty. Well, not empty but no Savannah... unless she was hiding.
Unable to stop herself Marti checked underneath the beds and in the closets before turning back to look at Alice, an overwhelming feeling of embarrassment flooding her body.
"Are you done?" Alice questioned dryly, and then when Marti didn't answer added, "So... you two did it, huh? Thank God. I was beginning to think you'd screwed it up."
"Right, everything's peachy." Marti snapped angrily, suddenly feeling like she needed to defend Savannah's honour, or at least her reputation, and adding in timid voice the blonde didn't really recognise as her own, "Besides we... we didn't..."
"Oh please, you might as well have 'I had sex' written all over your face." Alice smirked, "I mean, look at you. You're being so... obvious. It's kind of pathetic."
Marti was used to wanting to punch Alice, but at that moment the urge was overwhelming. She even stepped forwards to the point where she was right in Alice's face, and honestly she wasn't even sure why she stopped. After all this was all Alice's fault.
"If..." Marti began, not wanting to voice this insecurity out loud but feeling as if she needed too, "If you've just been messing with my head and... and Savannah really is straight and you made me do that to her you'll-
"Let's be clear." Alice snapped, "I didn't make you do anything. I just knocked some sense into you. And if you're still deluding yourself into believing that there's even the tiniest chance that the Queen of Queer Town Savannah Monroe is anything other than a total lesbo then you're both screwed."
"Then why isn't she here?" Marti asked, suddenly feeling like she was going to literally cry with frustration, "Why did she leave?"
"Because you let her." Alice shrugged, "What? Did you think this was going to be easy? Please, that girl and everyone around her have spent her entire life convincing her she's something she's not, and being anything else is unnatural and wrong, and what? One night with you is supposed to make all that go away? No. Like I said if you really want her, you're going to need to drag her kicking and screaming out of the closet. You're going to have to push her, scream at her, and make her hate you, and in the end even if you make her admit the truth she still might choose to live the life she's been living all her life because it's all she knows and it's safe. If you can suffer through all that melodrama go-ahead, she's all yours. No other girl is probably going to do it for her. I'm sure as hell not, and I don't see her family encouraging her sinful ways. So again, if you want to save her from herself, go ahead. Now get the hell out and never push me again. And don't come back here looking for another pep talk. I don't like you, and I don't want to be in the middle of this crap anymore."
Marti stared dumbfoundedly at the other cheerleader for a few minutes then asked softly, "But what if I can't find her?"
Alice rolled her eyes, "Please, where is she going to go? Her whole life is cheering so even if she's going to transfer she'll have to show up sooner or later."
"But-" Marti began to protest.
"Did I mention how I don't care?" Alice interrupted firmly, "Just get back to your room and wait for her. Hell, the bitch is probably already there."
*
Annoyingly Alice was proven right, although Marti was far more preoccupied by the heart wrenching sight of Savannah shoving her belongings into a suitcase.
When Marti opened the door Savannah stared over at her like a deer caught in the headlights for several long seconds, but then she quickly went back to what she was doing after softly mumbling, "Hey Marti."
"Hey." Marti mumbled back.
The blonde had been thinking about what she was going to say to this girl all day, had imagined this scenario over and over again in her head, and the best she could do was 'hey'. That was all she could get out, Marti just standing there dumbstruck as she watched Savannah run around the room like a frightened animal, grabbing whatever belonged to her and shoving it into a big suitcase. And it was shoving. The girl who had lectured Marti several times over the few weeks they'd known each other about the importance of properly folding away clothes and keeping everything nice and neat was desperately shoving her things into this case like her life depended on it, and it broke Marti's heart because she knew it was her fault.
She'd made Savannah afraid of her, afraid of herself, and whatever was going on between them. And Marti didn't blame Savannah, because it terrified the blonde to the point where she didn't think she could breathe. But as terrifying as it was Marti knew one thing with absolute clarity, she couldn't lose Savannah Monroe.
In some way, shape or form she needed this girl in her life, but in that moment she didn't want to settle for friendship. She just... needed her.
Quickly closing her case Savannah grabbed it by the handle, straightened up and finally turned to look at Marti.
The two girls stared at each other for a few long seconds, then Savannah's gaze dropped downwards and she tried to walk past the blonde. Marti didn't let her, moving sideways so she was directly in the brunette's path. Savannah tried dodging her unsuccessfully for a few moments and then she looked up into her eyes.
Marti waited for a few seconds for Savannah to say something, anything, then she asked, "Where are you going?"
Savannah just kept staring at her for a few more seconds, then her eyes darted downwards again as she murmured, "I... we... there's a spare room now Wedge has quit. I thought..."
"That it might be easier to avoid me if you had your own room?" Marti finished for her, trying to keep any bitterness out of her voice. When Savannah didn't say anything in response the blonde cheerleader added, "What happened to having roommates helps promote sisterhood huh? Isn't that what you told me when I first moved in? Then again I guess what we did last night wasn't very sisterly."
"Marti, please..." Savannah said softly, still not looking up.
"Please what?" Marti huffed.
"Please, don't... don't make this hard." Savannah whispered.
The words themselves flared Marti's rage, but just then Savannah looked up at her with this teary expression which broke the blonde's heart and made her anger fade away.
Deciding that was probably the wrong tactic anyway Marti took a step forward and reached out for Savannah, "Look-"
"Don't touch me!" Savannah cried out, dropping her suitcase and moving back half a dozen paces until she was almost pressed against the wall behind her.
The hurt and the anguish in Savannah's eyes and tone of voice broke Marti's heart all over again, only this time it was worse because she got this rush of self-hatred and sadness that she had hurt this girl so much. But she had to push on. She just had too.
"You kissed me." Marti murmured after a few long seconds of silence, then adding more firmly after a few more equally long seconds, "You, you were the one who kissed me. And you try doing it before-"
"I don't remember that." Savannah interrupted unconvincingly.
"Really?" Marti questioned, then when Savannah didn't answer added, "Do you remember last night? What we did? Because... it was the greatest night of my life."
"Marti..." Savannah whispered, finally looking away again, "I can't-"
"I love you Savannah." Marti said, slowly stepping forward as her eyes watered, "I don't know how, or when, but... I fell in love with you. And if you really don't feel the same way that's fine. I swear I'll never touch you again. I'll move out of Cheer Town, I'll transfer schools, I'll do whatever you want. Just... just tell me you don't like me back. Tell me I'm a disgusting dyke. That you hate my guts. That I can go burn in hell. Just look me in the eyes and say it. Tell me you don't love me. Tell me-"
"Stop!" Savannah cried out loudly.
Marti had been so caught up in her little speech she hadn't really noticed that she had backed Savannah right up against the wall, and tears were flowing freely out of not just her own eyes but out of Savannah's.
"Please... don't... don't touch me, I... I..." Savannah whimpered, "I... I don't love you."
The words themselves made Marti feel like Savannah had torn her heart from her chest, but the way they were said made her feel like her heart was still beating in the brunette's hand. Simply put she still felt like she had a slim chance.
"You have to mean it." Marti croaked as tears flowed down her cheeks.
"I... I mean it." Savannah wept.
"I don't believe you." Marti pushed.
"I don't care." Savannah snapped, becoming more angry than Marti had ever seen her, "Who are you to tell me how I feel? Who are you to tell me what I want? You don't know me. I'm not some kind of deviant. I'm not like you. I do not give into temptation. I'm a good, normal girl, and I don't care what you or anyone says, I am not in love with anybody!"
At this point Savannah was screaming at her and Marti felt like her heart was now on the floor being repeatedly stomped on, but as much as she wanted to crumple to the floor dead there was a burning rage inside her which pushed her to yell the second Savannah was done talking, "Why did you kiss me?"
"I don't know." Savannah said.
"Why didn't you stop me last night?" Marti asked, forcing herself to sound somewhat calm, "If you're such a good, normal girl why didn't you tell me to stop? Why did you let me make love to you? Why did you moan and scream in pleasure, and cum in my mouth, and on my fingers, and all over my-"
"You tricked me!" Savannah snapped.
"You kissed me and then when I asked you if you wanted me to stop all you did was moan in pleasure!" Marti countered, "Why? Why did you let me do that to you? Why didn't you tell me to stop?"
"I DON'T KNOW!" Savannah screeched, clearly breaking down, "You make me feel things I'm not supposed to feel, make me want to do things I don't want to do... why are you doing this to me Marti? Why... NO, please don't! Don't touch me!"
Marti frowned. She had moved forward to try and comfort the crying girl without thinking, just as she didn't really think when she asked, "Why not?"
"I... I... I can't... I, I can't think... normally, when you touch me." Savannah stammered.
From the look in Savannah's eyes Marti could tell she immediately realised she'd said the wrong thing, but before she could take it back the blonde took advantage of it by quickly grabbing the other cheerleader and pulling her into her arms. From there Marti softly but firmly held Savannah and pressed her forehead against the cheerleader captain's, a fresh tear running down Marti's cheek as she looked into Savannah's eyes and softly murmured, "Why... why... why did you kiss me?"
Savannah opened her mouth and Marti waited for what felt like an eternity, barely being able to breathe as each agonising second ticked by.
Marti hadn't wanted it to go down like this. She'd wanted to talk to the brunette like a rational thinking human being, but when she was around Savannah she couldn't think rationally anymore. Apparently like Savannah, she flat-out couldn't think. All she could do was run her mouth, like always, only this time it felt like she was going to lose everything that mattered to her just because she couldn't keep her feelings bottled up, and she knew she was making a liar out of herself because if Savannah told her to go to hell she would dropped to her knees and beg for her to stay, for her to let her stay, for them to stay together as friends because in that moment Marti didn't think she could handle life without Savannah Monroe.
Luckily it didn't appear she would have too. Unluckily her actions led to fresh tears rolling down Savannah's cheeks, "I... I... I'm... I don't... Marti... Oh God..."
Trailing off Savannah started absolutely balling her eyes out, the normally so together cheerleader captain breaking down to the point where she collapsed like deadweight into Marti's arms, crying into her shoulder hysterically.
For a long time Marti just stood there, her heart feeling as if it was being stabbed over and over again as the girl she loved cried in her arms. When it became emotionally too much for the blonde she gently moved so they could lie back down on Savannah's bed, Marti never letting go while Savannah never stopped crying.
They lay like that for what felt like hours, Marti still trying to figure out what she could possibly say as Savannah ran out of tears to shed, her wails slowly decreasing to sobs, then whimpers and then finally the room was deafeningly silent.
The deafening, horrible silence just kept going and going, both girls' minds racing a mile a minute, until finally Savannah croaked, "I can't."
Marti should have probably admitted defeat after those two heart breaking words, but she was determined to fight to the bitter end if need be.
"Why?" The blonde softly asked.
There was another couple of long seconds of silence and then Savannah whispered, "I'm supposed to get married. Have kids. Start my own cheer camp."
"Supposed too?" Marti questioned dryly.
"Want too." Savannah quickly corrected herself, "I want to do those things."
"We could do those things." Marti countered, quickly adding, "One day. We could do those things one day way, way in the future."
There was another brief silence and then Savannah whispered, "Who's going to send their daughter to a cheer camp run by a lesbian."
"Parents who aren't homophobic ass holes." Marti quickly said.
More silence and then Savannah asked, "What about the girls? What if they found out and left? Or everyone new right from the start and not a single girl signed up?"
"Hey, look at me... look at me!" Marti said, waiting until Savannah raised her head to look at her before continuing, "By the time you open your camp you'll have a championship ring on every finger and girls will be lining up to learn from you. Even the homophobic ass holes will want to learn from you, and maybe you will even help them not to be homophobic ass holes when they see how awesome you are."
Savannah just stared dumbfoundedly at the blonde for a few long moments, then she croaked out, "My family-"
"Don't deserve you!" Marti interrupted firmly, pausing to slightly smirk, "I mean, if anyone knows how families can suck-"
"Your Mom loves you. Unconditionally." Savannah interrupted.
"So should yours." Marti pointed out, "But she doesn't. They don't. I don't understand why they don't, but... they don't, so they have no right to expect anything from you, or tell you what you should do or who or what you should be. And I know, you're always going to love them, and always want their approval, but you were brave enough to go against their wishes once. You left Memphis Christian and joined Lancer so you could walk your own path. So that you could step outside their little bubble. Live a little. And... and you don't have to turn your back on God. I looked it up, there's a whole community of Christians who believe God accepts gay men and women. That as long as two people love each other that's all that matters."
Savannah lowered her gaze, "That's not what I was taught to believe."
"Well maybe not everything you were taught was right." Marti said.
"How do you know?" Savannah asked looking back at the blonde.
"I don't. But no one knows for sure. And I can't wrap my head around the idea of anyone or anything hating you if you liked girls instead of boys. And... I don't want anything to do with someone or something that hates you for that. Or for any reason." Marti said softly.
There was more silence, the two girls feeling like they were staring at each other forever until Savannah softly asked, "How... how can you be so sure?"
"About what?" Marti asked.
"What you want." Savannah clarified softly, "How can you be so sure you know what you want?"
Marti thought about this for a moment and then said, "I don't know. I... I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I had my whole life planned out just like you, only replace championship ring covered camp councillor with being a Supreme Court judge. But... I don't know... when I met you, there was this... spark. I mean... I never even thought about experimenting in college because it was so cliché, and before you I never even questioned that I was straight, then all of a sudden there you are, always on my mind, the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night, and... it got so much worse when you nearly kissed me. Then... then, we kissed, and suddenly... it was like everything before was in black and white and then all of a sudden everything was in colour, and in that moment I never wanted anything as badly as I wanted you. I needed you. And, I've pretty much felt that way ever since... and it scares the hell out of me."
"You're scared?" Savannah questioned, sounding surprised.
"I'm fucking terrified." Marti admitted with a weak smile, "But, maybe anything really worth having is supposed to be that way. Maybe that's what being in love is. Being terrified, and excited, and like you're in this little bubble of happiness which feels like it could break at any second and you want to do anything you can to save it. And... it's like..."
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