Balancing Love versus Duty

I watched Melinda being wheeled down the hall. I closed the door to my office. I will be late for my next appointment. I feel helpless. I haven't really helped any of my patients today. The tears are flowing down my cheeks; why did I ever become a doctor. I knew early on that I would not be a good one.

It was back when I was doing my internship during group rounds with my assigned resident that I knew my problem. A woman was twisting in the pain of Parkinson's. She had been through so much and still her body shook, cramped and betrayed her. My mind was screaming, "We should try something else; we should give her something to stop the pain." Dr. Remington asked me to his office, when we completed morning rounds.

"Dr. Walters, don't look so deep into the eyes of pain."

"I don't know what you are telling me."

"I saw you at the bedside of the Parkinson's patient. She is a very bad case. She has been struggling for years, is now deteriorating and is in tremendous pain. She has many other problems and has been through many operations. Her condition is beyond our knowledge. She will not live much longer. You need to use you skills to help, not empathize. Examine your patients but if you look deep into their eyes, they will plead with you, you will hurt and want to more for them, even though there is nothing we know to do. You will be too preoccupied with one case, you will lose sleep and you won't be good for your other patients."

I started to say something in reply.

"Don't say anything. Just think about what I have said."

And I thought. Every day for the fifteen years since, I've remembered his words and I've not been able to do what he told me.

Thoughts of Melinda flooded my mind again. The tears flowed again. How could a loving God be so cruel? Why would he afflict someone so? Why wouldn't he answer her prayers or at least touch her and offer some words of love, just for her?

She was beautiful, with the most-lovely clear chocolate skin. Her smile would light up any room; she was happy to see everyone and her eyes sparkled, she had learned to deny what she knew was her future. Today, reality had overpowered her. All I could do was hold her and let her cry.

Melinda was about to graduate high school. She would not be going to the prom but she wanted a date, to dance, to laugh, to hear music, to be touched, to have her first kiss, maybe lose her virginity and to forget her pain for one night.

None of those things would ever happen in her life and I could not help. Death in a few years from her rampant MS will be her only release. Just to torture her more, painful shingles have now spread down the left side of her body. One person should not have to endure so much. I wondered, if she ever spent a day hating healthy people like me.

She had sobbed in my arms. Her body is so very tired from fighting the pain. Daily, she suffers, always driven by youthful hope for a miracle. Her mother had to leave the room. Even after ten years of care giving, it was more than she could take. Her baby was suffering physically, in great mental pain and she could not help. Neither could I.

I only see her about every three months now. Every time she comes in with so much optimism. Surely I would have something new for her. But she leaves with tears and has to re-charge her hope somewhere else.

I did not feel like a doctor any more. I had specialized in movement disorders, only to discover they are just beyond our knowledge. My days are filled with failure and I'm taking that failure home, sabotaging my marriage. Thank God we do not have any children. I would hurt them too.

Tony had tried a hundred ways to save our love. Again tonight he was trying to keep the dinner alive that he had prepared for me, expecting me home three hours ago. I had eaten fast food on the way home and was exhausted. He still loved me but was considering giving up and moving on.

"Robin, let me take care of you for a while tonight. I'll bathe you, massage you and put you to bed so you can get a good night's sleep."

I objected but he led me to the bathroom anyway.

He had that ready also. The large bathroom was lit only with lavender scented candles. The big Jacuzzi tub was full of bubbles and bubbling as quietly as it could. He was right my body ached. Tony removed each piece of my clothing, lightly kissing each bared inch of my salty, dirty skin as it came into view. My eyes were already closed as he slipped me into the hot deep water. He is a big, powerful man. In business, people are afraid of him and keep a respectful distance. I had only felt tender love and support from him. I know I abuse him. But I abuse myself more.

He sat quietly on the closed toilet and guarded me while I dozed and felt my body relax. The telephone rang. My body went into work mode. I tensed and my eyes flew open.

"I forgot to turn that off."

I was starting to struggle from the tub when he spoke, "Sit back down, enjoy your bath. I'll take care of that."

I started to object and he spoke to me in a way he had never done before, "Shut up, sit down and relax. You are no good for anyone right now. You are used up. Take care of yourself now, so you can help someone tomorrow." The phone was still ringing when he pushed me back into the tub and left the bathroom.

"Everything is fine. The call was not for you."

In a while, he stood, removed all his clothes. I started to speak and he stopped me. I did not want to have sex tonight. I seldom do any more.

Tony released the water from the tub and had me stand while he dried my breasts, helped me out of the tub and dried the rest of my body. I did feel a tingle as he opened the cheeks of my ass, dried me there, then turned me and kissed water drops from my belly before drying me.

He lifted one of my legs, putting my foot on the side of the tub and knelt in front of me. For only a minute, he licked my pussy, opened me, kissed my clit and wet me with his mouth.

He moved back and sat on the toilet again. The room flickered and was warm. "Come to me, Robin."

He had me straddle him, guiding his hard cock into me. It felt good, but I was not into this. I was tired. I had told him. His strong arms pulled me to his chest. His chest hair tickled my hard nipples. He put a hand on either side of my head and kissed me softly on the lips. His kisses moved all around my face and neck. Several times I felt his dick dance inside me but he did not thrust or move my hips to get himself off.

I sat impaled on his cock, tired but loving the attention. Soon he stood, holding me suspended between his hands and his cock. My feet slipped down to the floor and he led me to our bedroom. He lay me on crisp clean sheets and lay on his side next to me, propped on an elbow.

For the next few minutes he touched and kissed me so lightly, I had to concentrate to feel his fingers and his lips. As he moved about to please other parts of my body, I felt his hard cock brush against me and drops of wetness on my skin.

I was almost asleep when I felt him leave the bed and cover me. I heard the door close and I was asleep.

At six a.m., right on time, he woke me with a kiss and a cup of coffee. He was already dressed and had not slept in our bed. "I love you, Robin. I hope you don't let us slip away. We were really good for each other for a long time. We had lots of great sex in this bed. We had lots of fun together. I need to have all that back in my life and I want it with you."

He left me stunned on the bed and went to work. I did not expect that. He was the one stable thing in my life, always there for me, no matter what.

Work got out of hand again. There was a late staff meeting. I did not call home. When I got home, the house was quiet. A note on the microwave, told me where dinner was and ended, "Last night your body was warm and tasty. I thought about you while I took care of myself again. See you in two days. I love you. Tony"

I was puzzled. Where was he? I called his secretary at home.

"Do you know where Tony is?"

At first the gray-haired, reserved Linda was quiet. She had been with him since his first major management job. She covered for us during some hot and heavy lunches that lasted all afternoon. Once she even suggested he keep a change of clothes at work and have a shower installed in his office. Her last words that day were, "Tony, you cannot go to meetings like that, you have a shit-eating grin on your face and you reek of sex and Robin's perfume."

"Robin, Tony is in meeting with the Board in Chicago. He is interviewing for President and CEO of this madhouse. I thought you knew. It's been in the works for months."

I did vaguely remember something about a meeting but his stuff had not seemed as important as mine. I vaguely remembered he wanted to talk several times; he had wanted my opinions and ideas. "You mean West Coast operations?"

"No, Robin, the whole two-billion a-year-pile of chaos. He already heads the West Coast, the board wants it all to be as neat and tidy as it is out here. They will have to pay him more money than the oil Sultans have, to get him."

"Is the job in Chicago?"

"Robin, you need to talk to Tony. I don't know the answer to that or your next few questions. I'm worried to. I've been with that wonderful man for fifteen years. I don't want to lose him. However, I think he could ask for his own country and a harem and they would give it to him."

"Do you have his number."

"No I don't, his instructions to me were, "No calls, Linda. This is a tough call. I'm on my own with this decision. I have a lot of thinking to do.""

Robin hung up the telephone. Such an important step and she had not been there for him. He had seen her through medical school. This had been important to him. Had he talked it over with another woman? She had left him to make this decision on his own. She had not even thought about it this morning but now she remembered that last night for the first time in their marriage, he had not slept in the same bed with her.

Tony came banging though the front doors about noon on Saturday. When I came out to greet him, he was surprised. "You usually go in to catch up on Saturday. This is a pleasant surprise."

"How did your meetings go?"

He cringed and avoided answering me. "They went well; the Board has some big long range plans for the company."

"Do they affect you?"

Tony was sad at that question. Why couldn't she have said "us"? He asked, "Can we get some wine and something to eat and discuss all that?"

I knew this tone. This was not going be fun to hear.

"Baby, I've lost you. You don't need me any more. Your job is your life right now. You don't even know I'm around most of the time and certainly our life together is not on your schedule. I love you. Someday, I hope you will come back to me. That will make me the happiest man in the world.

"Until then, I too want to be needed, busy and challenged. I will be working out of the Corporate Offices in Manhattan for the next few years."

"Do you have a girlfriend?"

"No, Baby, I don't. You are still the only one for me. I've never even kissed another woman since we have been married. I also do not want a divorce. Like your patients, I'm hoping for a miracle."

I was quiet, half mad, half heart sick.

Tony continued, "Since I cannot have you right now, I might date some. Truthfully, I hope, I will be so busy, I can just get lost into work and forget the loneliness I feel."

He wanted me to soften, come to him, be with him, love him. Instead, he got aloof toughness. "Did you get all you asked for?"

"From the Board, yes. From you, no."

We talked for a while until my anger bubbled over, "God Damn, Tony, I'm a doctor. I have patients and I've taken an oath. This is my calling."

"I know, Baby, I've been with you every step of the way. I love you for your commitment. However, you have more than one set of obligations and callings. Someday, I hope you will learn to manage your patients and their diseases. Someday, I hope you give yourself permission to have a life just like you want for them - a life full of love, happiness, contentment and satisfaction."

"What the fuck do you know? How do you manage the pain I see? How am I supposed to have a life?"

"Don't fight me. I'm your partner, your lover. I don't know. I'm very good at what I do too. Together we could solve anything. But we are not together. You are the Lone Ranger, you no longer talk to me. God how I wish you would."

Things were quiet. I could see him struggling for what to say, "You know you could ask me anything and I would try to give it to you?"

I was tired of this; I left the room. Tony thought, finished his wine and crackers. He knew he would keep coming to me all weekend, trying to talk and probably making things worse. He knew I was not ready. I had my work, my patients, my hopelessness.

I doubled back through his den a couple of hours later. There was his letter. It explained how to reach him at any time. I read the last lines over and over and cried softly,

Dearest Robin,

Call me anytime, day or night. Wherever I am and whatever I'm doing, I will come to you, if you ask. If I stayed around you, I would keep pleading my case. Please call me and talk when you can. I will not hound you. Maybe you will give me a chance to help manage something and you will see what we can do together. I love you. I will always love you.

Tony

I did not want to feel the pain in his letter. I hated and bristled at his arrogance. I was the Doctor here. I tossed his letter onto his desk where it gathered dust for three months.

Joan Smith staggered unsteadily past the office sign, "Dr. Robin Walters." Her pain specialists, her movement specialists, her G.P and her psychiatrists had her so drugged that getting ready was a major two hour effort and she walked like she was drunk. Her pain had been with her for years. When it was under control it was an old friend. That wasn't the problem. She was thirty-two. No one wanted to talk about her problem. If she could just die, everything would be peaceful and all right.

I pressed her, to tell me the problem. "Robin, I know the score. This is going to be my life. It will never be better than this. In fact it will get worse. I have people who take care of me and I don't hurt too bad. I'm going nuts. I can not get what I've missed out of my mind. I read porn on the Internet and I want that. My body hurts. I'm not steady enough to get myself off. If this is all there is, tell me how to finish it."

I was surprised. Joan had always seemed to have her life together. We had only talked about her medical condition during her visits over the last five years. "You should talk to you psychiatrist about this. It's all out of my area of expertise."

"I know. I've heard that from all my doctors. You being a woman, I thought you might help or at least direct me to someone who could help me manage my hopelessness."

I started to mention, increasing her Prozac to lessen her depression.

"I already cannot remember my middle name. I know you cannot help. Sorry for asking."

With that she left, dismissing me - pronouncing all my knowledge useless for her current situation. She removed me from my pedestal. She needed me before. Now she had no need of my great knowledge. Just like the grocery produce man who helped her select tomatoes, I had helped, but now I was of no use.

All that night, I thought about how limited my knowledge was. How people were so complicated. I was haunted by how few of my patients' needs I really treated. Joan had used the work "manage." It kept ringing in my ears.

Early the next morning I called Tony for the first time. The woman who answered, said he was in a meeting. When I started to hang up she asked, "Are you Robin?"

"Yes."

"Hold on, you are the one exception to the no interruptions rule."

Tony left his meeting and took my call in his office. "Robin, it is so wonderful to hear from you. How are you? Tell me everything."

We talked aimless for a while. I relaxed when I heard his voice. I missed him and his claming self-assured manner. Finally, I told him about Joan. He was quiet. So quiet, I asked, "Tony, are you still there?"

"Robin, she is a woman in her thirties. She is horny and lonely. She has limited mobility and probably limited knowledge and friends. Her caregivers probably ignore all her needs except medication and food. Life would be so boring if that were all we had.

Sex could be a great, needed and yearned for diversion. Buy her a vibrator and tell her how to use it. Send her some porn to learn from. Tell her to talk to her family, friends and parents. Don't judge or evaluate her. Help her. A casual buddy fuck might help her immensely, even if it's her brother. It's not like she has a lot of options or offers."

I had never been so shocked in my life. He just suggested incest. I had nothing to say. I said I had to go.

"Robin, talk to me some more. I went too far trying to manage and find solutions, I'm sorry."

"No, I really have to go. I'll call again soon."

My head was swirling. Could he be right? If so, no one that saw her in this facility would ever help her. We didn't do that. I remembered the hurt in Melinda's eyes. A simple kiss might have helped avoid the crippling attack she suffered alone in her room on her prom night.

I remembered how many of my patients held on to me, not wanting to let go of contact with another human. Their disease and circumstances took some of their humanity away. Their medical treatment took away some more. I had offered Joan Prozac. Tony would buy her a vibrator.

I wondered where some of the toys were that we used to play with. I remembered the night we flooded a bathroom on the second floor of a motel and set off the smoke detectors because we got sidetracked and forgot to open the flue in the fireplace. For the moment those times seemed important. My eyes were still red when I got to work. I had the receptionist call Joan to come in and see me.

Joan was agitated, "Why did you have me come in? Am I getting worse? Is something wrong?"

"Joan, you really got me thinking the other day. You can stop this conversation at any time. It might be considered out of line by many of the other doctors, but like you said, I am a woman."

She looked blankly at me, like a deer caught in headlights.

"Have you ever been married or had a relationship?"

"No, my disease hit early. The boys weren't interested in me. I was called lots of names and told how repulsive my twitches and ticks are. When my head pulled tight to one side, no one paid much attention to me. I dropped out of school. I've been with my parents ever since. I couldn't make it without them."

"Do you feel that you have missed a lot, especially now that you are in your thirties?"

"My body aches, I wish I had known a man somewhere along the way. My body wants to be touched and it doesn't help when I touch it and I'll never have anyone else. I have prayed and begged for anything to quell the need in my body and stop my thoughts."

OK, Tony is the real doctor. I missed this completely. All that stress and need and frustration had to be making her movement disorder a lot worse. "Have you ever had a vibrator?"

She blushed, "No."

"Looked at porn sites on the Internet?"

"Tried, but I'm not good with computers like my older brother and besides there is no privacy in my house."

"Did your mom come with you today?"

"Yes."

"I'm going to give you a little book today and a vibrator. I'm hoping it will help take some of the stress out of your body. With your permission I want to talk to your mom today. Can you have your computer whiz brother bring you to your next appointment in a week?"

"I'll try anything. Besides this sounds like a lot more fun than another surgery."