Black Canadian Vampire

The life of a Vampire is often glamorized in the movies and television shows imagined by bozos who have no idea what Vampire life is really like. My name is Ibrahim Hassan. I was born in the City of Mogadishu, Somalia, on November 9, 1972, and raised in the City of Toronto, Province of Ontario. On February 5, 1995, I died. From a gunshot wound while walking around in the City of Detroit, State of Michigan. I was brought back to life by Madame Nocturne, this ancient African Vampire who's been around since the time of the Dark Ages. For some reason, the old bat thought that meant she owned me. I set straight real fast, believe me.

Madame Nocturne hails from what was once known as Dahomey, but today called the Republic of Benin in Africa. She used to be one of the legendary Amazons of Dahomey. When she was thirty or so, she became a Vampire. And ever since then, she's been obsessed with power. Madame Nocturne wants to create a Vampire army and take over the world. I am thankful that she brought me back to life and everything but the bitch is insane. Anyone who wants to take over the world is insane. The planet Earth is too big, full of too many diverse populations with their unique ways and customs to be ruled by a single entity. The United States doesn't rule the world any more than the European Union or the United Nations do. The Arab League and the African Union don't rule the world either. They're all just pretenders. The world is ruled by chance, as it has always been.

As soon as I learned enough about Vampire life to feel secure enough on my own, I escaped from the clutches of Madame Nocturne. I spent half of my life in foster care, raised by all kinds of not so nice people. I was born in a Muslim family, lived among Christians long enough to convert to Christianity but these days, I consider myself Agnostic more than anything else. I haven't always been a nice guy. I won myself an academic scholarship to the University of Laval in Quebec but fucked it up by drinking and sleeping around, eventually dropping out during my junior year. Yeah, I've made a lot of mistakes when I was alive. I continue to make them even while Undead. One thing I will never do is allow myself to be under someone else's thumb. Been there, done that. Still, Madame Nocturne was definitely someone I'll never forget.

You've got to see her, man. Five feet eleven inches tall, slender but curvy, with dark brown skin, long hair braided into neat cornrows, and a unique if understated sex appeal. Think of a younger version of that gun-toting super hot Black chick from those Quentin Tarantino movies. I forgot her name but she was definitely something. I still get 'hot' when watching those movies. Hey, I'm Undead not dead, alright? Madame Nocturne told me she saw something in me when she resurrected me with her Undead blood. She wanted to groom me to become a foot soldier in her growing Army of the Undead. I had other plans. I wish her the best of luck in her folly, though. She's got hundreds of Vampires working for her. I think she'll need more than that to defeat the seven billion human beings living on God's green Earth, though. Just the sincere and humble opinion of a gentlemanly crook with fangs.

Anyhow, where was I? Oh, yeah. I was telling you about some of my adventures since escaping from Madame Nocturne's clutches. A lot of people think that being a Vampire means a life of grand adventure, power and sex. Well, it can be like that but please don't assume that becoming one of the Undead changes people. Boring mortals become boring Vampires. Your personality remains the same. Your body changes, but not your mind, character or thoughts. You're still YOU. In every sense of the word. Madame Nocturne was a power-hungry manipulative whore when she was a princess among the warrior women of the Kingdom of Dahomey, and she's still a vicious cunt as a Vampire. Vampirism doesn't cure megalomania. It works wonders on most physical ailments, though.

Here is a prime example. There's this short, red-haired and quite round little Jewish guy named Matthew Rosenthal who was wheelchair-bound after a shoot-out while serving in Afghanistan. We knew each other in high school in Ajax, near Toronto. When I accidentally turned him into a Vampire while sharing a needle, he was instantly cured of his disability. Sounds cool, eh? I've made a lot of blunders as a fledgling Vampire. I still had the instincts of a drug addict, though I was physically cured of my addiction the moment I stopped being human. Still, although I transformed my buddy Matthew into a Vampire by accident, it's not something either of us regrets. Matthew revels in Vampire life in a way I never could. Want to know what the genius did? He went back to Afghanistan under an assumed identity. He thinks he's some kind of superhero. I wish him the best of luck. The guy is not a rocket scientist. I sure hope he comes home in one piece this time. When you die as a Vampire, it's forever.

Since you're probably curious, I will tell you about certain truths and myths of Vampire life. I was a six-foot-one and 230-pound Black man when I died and I didn't get any taller or bigger when I became a Vampire. Also, my dick didn't get any bigger or smaller. Still your standard seven and a half inches. Sorry to disappoint any myth makers. Hey, I've taken lots of chicks and a couple of guys to my bed, both as a human and as a Vampire, and I've never had any complaints. Did I get any stronger when I became a Vampire? I could barely lift my own weight because I was an out of shape conman and recreational drug user when I died. When I became Undead, my physical strength increased a bit. I can lift five hundred pounds of dead weight above my head and toss it ten feet into the air. I guess I did get a bit stronger. Also, I can run really fast. Not Superman fast. But definitely faster than The Honorable Usain Bolt. That's cool, right?

Yeah, becoming a Vampire made me stronger and faster. Like you, I got my limitations. I still eat, drink and sleep. I can eat anything you can eat. It's just that my system can't really tolerate it and on average, I'll get the urge to take a shit one hour after ingesting the types of foods that human beings eat. That's it for solid foods, I'm afraid. Liquids, though, my system welcomes. Especially alcoholic beverages. I can drink ten times the amount of beer, wine, rum or whiskey that would kill the toughest drinker on this planet and still feel fine. However, I can and do get drunk on occasion. I just have a higher tolerance, that's all. By the way, although I heal quickly from injuries that would kill you, I'm not Immortal. A silver bullet to the brain, getting my head chopped off, or being burned completely, those things will do me in every time. Yup, I'm not invincible. It would be cool if I were, though. Two things that all the movies and novels get right, is that Vampires do need blood to survive, and we don't age. Yep, you're right on these two points. Have yourselves a giggle.

Being invincible would definitely come in handy considering all that I'm up against these days. There is a cadre of humans who are hunting Vampires because they consider us a blight upon the world. They're a bunch of religious fanatics who think all of us Undead citizens are monsters. Losers, all of them. Also, some of my fellow Vampires are gunning for me too. Madame Nocturne and her Vampires didn't take it too kindly that I didn't want to be part of their club. They're not the kind of people who are used to hearing the word no, I guess. I've got to skip town and figure out a plan for survival. I don't feel like dying, you know? Once is enough. Wish me luck, people. Where's my gat?