Consensual or Nonconsensual?

I learned when I became a swinger how to let go of my deeply rooted power and control issues and learned being submissive brought greater experiences to life as I learned to let go of myself more and more with each new experience. I often wondered if I was submissive enough to be raped, in as true an experience as possible, given the act is with consent - or is it?

I thought I was the only woman who had this fantasy and could not understand where the desire came from, maybe the ultimate form of submission and a piece of myself letting go? I am very tiny and petite but I worked in law enforcement for many years and was well trained in defending myself. Perhaps I needed a better form of training to see if I could physically get a man off of me instead of submitting to rape.

I wondered if I would become too terrified during the experience and panic and the fantasy would become a horrible reality. Who could I trust to even tell this fantasy to, without judgment, and one willing to experience this with me? Am I slowly entering the world of BDSM?

My mind continually floated back to the fantasy and I knew who was the only person I wanted to experience it with - a military man with whom I have become close and have had the most intimate sex with in the lifestyle. How could he be the one when he cared more for me than just fucking me? Yet I kept picturing his perfect hot body, and he is seven inches taller and one hundred pounds heavier. If I told him would he think I was too wild or kinky? Would he even be capable of physically hurting me?

I took a chance and wrote him a long e-mail about my rape fantasy with him. I would try with all my training to fight him off and he would use all his training to force me to submit. I had it pictured at a specific location in the state I live in and wondered if he would be willing when he came out to visit.

His reaction was not what I expected. He loved the fantasy as I described it, wondered if he could physically hurt me if that is what it took for him to rape me, and would I want him to tell me before he did it. I told him he could not tell me in advance - I needed the element of surprise. The fantasy remained in my head for his visit to my state. Time passed and the fantasy dimmed as it would be a long time before he came out to see me.

I went to see him last week and we were having a great time. I went to the bathroom and when I came out he was standing outside with a look in his eyes I had never seen - anger. I asked why he was looking at me that way. He said in the most serious voice, "Because you don't know what I'm going to do next."

He grabbed my neck and shoved my back against the door! I started pulling at his arm and trying to pry his fingers loose from my neck. He kept a hand on my neck and with his other he grabbed one of my legs and dragged me and threw me on the bed! I started fighting him, trying every maneuver I had been taught. I had a shirt and jeans on, I had the advantage because he would have to keep one hand loose to tear my clothes off and try and get his off, but he kept choking me.

I could not get him off of me and I was kicking and fighting and losing my strength. My mind was not on sex - it was trying to fight and use every tactic from my training. We never talked about this at length and I had since read stories of rape fantasies. There is a safe word, the act is often more role playing. I saw the look on his face and the tone of his voice in what he said to me. He was not playing the role of a rapist and I was not playing the role of a victim. He WAS my rapist and he was intent on shoving his cock inside of me. My mind wanted to panic but I was trained to fight back as I would not be a victim. This fantasy was where I lived and I was mentally unprepared. Then again, in rape one is not prepared and it is not about sex but power and control.

While he was trying to rip my clothes off, I tried to slide out from under him but found myself on my stomach, with my own clenched fist digging into my chest. I was in too vulnerable a position and he kept growling in my ear that I was not fighting hard enough and he was going to make me take it. Every time he growled into my ear I would growl back "no!" My word had meaning and my mind and body were trying to use the power of that word to gain strength. I had one hand free and pried his hand off my neck but then he grabbed my hair so hard I heard my neck crack, forcing me to arch my head and back toward him. He could not get his shirt or underwear off so he pulled his cock out and shoved it into my pussy. He kept pounding me hard but I kept trying to fight. Then he would pound hard and fast and I felt myself getting wet and losing myself because it felt so good.

I would pull my mind back and try fighting again, but my body was giving out. No matter how hard I tried to mentally will him off of me I lacked the strength and my training had failed. He was too strong and too intent on raping me. He was going to succeed and I would have to submit, but my brain did not want to lose control. He slowed down and I tried fighting again, then he punished me by shoving his cock in my ass. It hurt like hell and I started fighting harder but could not speak from the pain and he was grabbing my hair or choking me or grabbing my wrists! I started to feel panic creep in as the pain was so great, even when he grabbed my wrists with one hand and pulled them up so high on my back I thought my arms would break. Yet I refused to acknowledge that he was hurting me - that would only give him more power and strength to fight me harder than I could fight back.

Somehow I managed to slide out and I landed on the floor. He grabbed me and dragged me across the carpet and back onto the bed. He grabbed my wrists behind me with one hand and I knew they were going to bruise. He again shoved his cock in my pussy and just kept pounding. He kept telling me I was going to take it and though I still made feeble attempts to fight and I kept growling no, my body no longer had strength and I was so wet! I started cumming, no idea how many times, even though my body was sore, my ass was burning, and I knew I had bruises. He finally came and rolled off.

We both laid on the bed trying to catch our breath. I have never panted so hard after sex! I was so sore and yet so turned on and I could feel all his cum slowly dripping out. He said he did not think he could go through with it, and then he was so concerned that he might have actually hurt me. I told him he really did hurt me - but that is what made it so hot and feel so great!

A couple of little bruises on my wrists and a small one on my chest from my own fist, rug burn on my chin, and forgot to tell him that he tore my belly ring slightly. I was physically hurt, I was forced to submit, and as I always envisioned the fantasy happening where I lived, I had no idea he was going to do it. I was caught completely off guard, and I felt the panic and total loss of control. I have no idea how long this took as it could have been a few minutes or half an hour. He became the rapist and I was his victim.

What was my summation of the experience? I am wet as I type this and I hope he rapes me again. I wonder what he thinks about this now? Did he even realize he had dipped his feet into the world of BDSM? I wonder if that is a path I am taking, and maybe he will join me. It was the wildest, hottest sex I have ever had!!!