Key for a Lasting Marriage

July 20 was my thirty-ninth wedding anniversary, why yes, thank you very much it is quite an achievement. People have been asking me the secret of having a marriage that has lasted this long in fact so often I have been pondering an answer. I read a blog in Yahoo News the other day titled 'In Love? It's Not Enough to Keep a Marriage.' This piece is loaded with stats gathered from 2500 couples that were tracked from 2001 to 2007. According to the blog, your history is what determines the success of you marriage. Along with age separation, children brought to the marriage, they also included success of you parent's marriage. I just can't go along with this numbers crunch; of course, your past will influence your marriage but it does not determine if your marriage will fail.

So how does a man who already has one failed marriage with two children that he is sharing custody with and helping support stay married for over thirty-nine years? How did this woman almost young enough to be from a different generation and from a far different background stay with him for thirty-nine years? The main answer is love and yet it takes more than love to make a marriage work, I mean if you didn't love each other you would not have married in the first place. Another answer is happiness but if you aren't Pollyanna, you're not going to be happy 24/7. Don't even think that money will make a marriage work; for one thing believe me, you don't have that much money. Money might buy things but things get boring fast. Having children might keep some people together for a while but it just might drive others apart. If you can't even agree on what film to see how will you be able to agree on how you want to raise a child?

I'm sure we all agree that sex is an important part of all relationships. However, after thirty-nine years sex manages to slip in the all important ratings department. An open sexual fantasy that partners are able to discuss with each other will help make sexual enjoyment a lasting part of any marriage. I know it's not possible to discuss every fantasy with every partner but knowing your mates tastes will help in giving satisfaction.

I feel one of the most important parts of a successful marriage is communication. You and your partner need to keep a dialog to understand the feeling and needs of each other. Is your wife going to be happy with you all of the time? No way, but if she feels she can't tell you that whatever you are doing bothers her it grows from an annoyance, to a problem that is going to erupt somewhere in the future. If this problem is discussed when it is just an annoyance it has a better chance of being resolved than after it has been allowed to fester into a problem, causing an argument. Not every annoyance can be fixed, some traits cannot be changed, yet at least they are brought up in an open dialog there is a better chance of a compromise being reached.

It is simple logic to see that all partnerships need compromise to survive, whether it's business, love, or even doubles for tennis. Still marriage is long term and harder to maintain. This leads to the most important part of a long-term marriage and that is commitment. A long-term relationship is a goal worthy of complete commitment. A couple committed to a long term will not allow day-to-day problems escalate into something larger. Compromise means sacrifice to attain something, if there is something you want from your mate it might mean giving up something else to them to get what you want. There will always be things that are beyond compromise, and that's how it should be. The compromise then becomes an agreement to disagree.

All I am saying is marriage, as life is a game of give and take. If you don't allow yourself to become too upset on that which you cannot change you will have a better chance of success. Forget about the math; don't try to make it a fifty-fifty partnership, or sixty-forty. The keys to a long lasting relationship is when both sides try to make it seventy-thirty, meaning don't try to make it equal try to make your partner happy with no thought about what you will get out of it. Having said all this you need to know not every relationship can work long term. If you are in an unhappy marriage and staying together just because you think you should you're making a mistake. Don't give up too easy yet don't stay unhappy too long either.

Enjoy your life, enjoy your marriage, and don't dwell on that you cannot change. With positive thoughts, you will make your life happier.