Hitting the Wall at 60-plus
by Egmont Grigor©
WARNING: This article contains immoral comment about sex.
Gareth White became old one night not long after his sixty-third birthday. The only surprise was it came on him so suddenly. His back was stiff when he sat up in bed but lower down he wasn't stiff and that was a little unusual. There was a pain in his left shoulder, just a touch.
Swinging around Gareth planted his feet on the floor and felt his lower back protest and he eased up, but when standing pulled his hand off the dresser in shock. Why had he levered up? God, the only time he could remember doing that was during a severe bout of 'flu, some five years back when he also lost eighteen pounds of weight to sweat, although that had piled back on plus a few pounds more, making most of his shorts and trousers a size too small.
And during the night when Eva had pushed her tits into him and draped a leg over his ankle, a sure sign she was available, and what had been his response? Gareth's head drooped in shame. He'd muttered, "I'm a bit tired dear."
God he was losing it!
Buddies over beers after golf had sometimes talked about it. Comments such as, 'Tommy has lost his great swing to arthritis' and 'Chas's wife told my wife Chas is taking stuff to maintain his erection'. God everyone had laughed at that one, laughed nervously. Then everyone else had shifted in their chairs when Tremain said he was having trouble getting out of bed in the morning and the foul comments about what Elizabeth was doing to him flew around the table and Gareth's contribution had been Tremain should hire a nurse with big tits to help him rise.
Everyone including Tremain had howled with laughter and that ended that topic, conversation turning to the hatchet-faced woman just hired as assistant starter. Ian said younger women with great teeth and awesome tits didn't work at golf clubs anymore if they were computer savvy or married for the second time to an older guy with money. They all knew that to be true. Then Tremain wiped away all smiles when he nodded and said, "All of us is gradually been overtaken by old age."
That kind of talk had softened Gareth to be gradually overtaken by old age. But the reality was it had seized him overnight.
Gareth padded off for a pee and was relieved it came out in a stream with good pressure. He left the bathroom but returned when Eva called, "You left the seat up." God, women were on your case twenty-five hours a day. Yeah right, twenty-five hours... women always pushed that extra bit.
In the kitchen Gareth realized that shoulder twinge had gone. He took a couple of practice golf swings and felt the fluidity of his back working like well oiled machinery. Hell perhaps it was all to do with testosterone overload. Perhaps he should dive back into bed and reduce his reserve of semen. He grinned, feeling better and gave The Old Man an affectionate pat. Well that's what Eva had dubbed it not longer after they'd met and she'd seen it slack and noticed the wrinkles. Perhaps he should ask her to rename it? No before doing that she'd have to be told why and he wouldn't get away with it if he lied.
Gareth wondered where Eva's herbal tea was and after scratching around in cupboards found it where he remembered where it always was – beside the coffee. Although relieved he decided to run a small test: "What did you do yesterday Dickhead?"
For a moment he almost panicked and then the pictures of yesterday began running through his mind. Oh yes, he was at Al's Service Center and received the bill – almost one hundred and fifty fucking dollars. He was ready to tear the place apart. The frightened cashier called the manager who took Gareth aside and said if he ever behaved like that again Gareth would be banned from the premises. Gareth was so humiliated and upset he thoughtlessly attempted to drive away in the wrong car but the understanding manager stopped him at the exit said it was a genuine mistake because that car was white although two models earlier than Gareth's with at least sixty thou more miles on the clock.
"Perhaps it might be best if Mrs White brings your car in for its next service Gareth?"
Gareth felt like thumping the smart-ass but when the manager looked as if he were wishing Gareth would take a swing at him Gareth smiled and said, "Good idea Bert; could provide you with a safer work environment."
The younger man laughed and said he'd see him in the clubhouse after golf on Wednesday.
At the supermarket Gareth smiled and chatted to Beryl and Della. He remembered clearly hammering them both in the guest room at Della's house during a New Year's Eve party almost ten years ago. They'd been near-drunk and he was on antibiotics for a hair follicle problem under his left arm so was not drinking alcohol and he'd had an amazing time. He'd gone to school with them. As usual Della said straight-faced as she always did when meeting him, "Are you coming to my New Year's Ever party this year Gareth?"
Beryl whose husband is a clergyman turned hugely pink. Della winked at her and Gareth grinned and the three rocked into laughter so loud mothers with small children near them in the supermarket hurried away. "I'll never forget that night," Beryl said. "I did things I'd never done before – or since."
Gareth said on the edge of the bed and had his coffee while Eva sipped chamomile tea.
"You turned me down during the night," she said wistfully. "That must be a first. Are you getting old?"
Gareth was aghast. "Who me? Watch you lip woman otherwise you'll be drilled."
"Oooh, jump in," Eva said, throwing back the bedding. Gareth experienced no problem because he's been thinking about that New Year's Eve party.
"Oooh, have you been on the Internet?" Eva cooed. "You are very big."
Gareth was in the garage putting oil into the ride-on mower when Eva found him.
"Are you going to do the lawns?"
"Prawn for lunch, oh great."
Eva said patiently she'd said lawns, not prawns, but if he wanted prawns she'd get some.
"No, I often get a stomach upset after eating them. A nice piece of fish would be better."
"Very well, you are becoming deaf as well as forgetful. You did the lawns on Thursday."
"Um I'm only performing maintenance."
"Don't lie to me Gareth White. But thanks for that lovely bout of maintenance your gave me this morning."
"Shhhh. The neighbors will hear."
"They are even deafer than you are dear. Besides, it's not an illegal activity."
Gareth's back felt fine when he went to rise next morning but shoulder pain was nagging him. He got out of bed gingerly, pleased he didn't have to lever himself up. Then a violent pain stuck.
"Eva!" Gareth yelled. "Oh fuck, oh fuck."
"Oh god, are you having a heart attack?"
"Cramp," groaned Gareth through clenched teeth.
Eva knelt in front of him, brushed his hand away and began massaging to increase circulation.
"The knottiness is going."
"Keep going, it might come back."
"Don't be a baby."
Gareth believed that deserved retaliation. "Your tits sag these days."
"It's a sign of my times Gareth. I bet Della Michael's hang around her knees."
"Why pick on Della?"
"I wonder why Gareth?"
Almost speechless Gareth muttered thanks and Eva walked off. He heard her pee into the toilet in a healthy stream. Well she was young compared with him; she'd only turned sixty a couple of months ago.
Over breakfast Gareth became wary when Eva said, "I was upset when you said my tits sag. It wasn't a kind comment."
"Sorry doll. The pain of cramp had been driving me nuts. I saw them hanging down and I must have lashed out. Yet you were performing like my favorite nurse. Come sit on my knee."
"Oooh, we haven't had sex in the kitchen for a couple of years. I wonder if Beryl James gets it in the kitchen."
"My Bridge partner, Beryl James. You went to school with her and Della."
"Oh yeah. Those two have remained close buddies," Gareth said nervously. Was Eve working up to say she knew about him being with those two all those years ago? Er, five years ago. Er ten years ago.
"I must invite Beryl and Della over one evening for cards. You could wait on us."
"Wait on you?"
"Yes, serve us drinks and nibbles. What were you thinking?"
"I was wondering if I'd be in that night."
Eva laughed and said he was such a tease. "You don't know what night will suit us."
"Um get them to bring their husbands. I wouldn't be any use with just a bunch of women."
"You'd be fine Gareth. Just the women I think."
Gareth knew Eva wouldn't expect him to take on three women. Perhaps she intended shooting the visitors and him?
"I can't feel you becoming hard Gareth. Here, let mommy get it out and work on it."
Gareth worried about the card evening for days and then one day worried about not remembering what had worried him. Eva fixed that an hour later saying, "Beryl and Della are coming Friday night. It doesn't matter if you wish to go out."
"Forced confessions... murder... order to seduce their friends while Eva watched?" Gareth couldn't believe any of those would occur.
"No, I'll stay and dress as a waiter. You don't ask me to do much for you darling."
"Oh darling, you sweet man. Just black pants and a white shirt will suffice."
What happened was Della said why should they play three-handed cards. Why didn't they invite Gareth to join them? That was agreed and they cut for partners and he drew Della and sitting opposite realized that even without a bra Della's tits wouldn't be down to her knees although she had the biggest bust of the three women.
They had a lovely evening and no one drank more than two wines. Beryl kissed him goodnight on the cheek and Della kissed him on the mouth and said 'Good night you lovely man' but that was just Della.
As Gareth was helping Eva to clear away she said, "Have you and Della ever had sex?"
"A couple of times before I met you."
"Would you do it with her now?"
"Hell no, you said her tits would be around her knees."
"Oh darling, that's me just exaggerating. They are bigger than mine."
"Yeah and so is her gut. I'd never get it in, not over that fat stomach."
Eva laughed and sounded happy with that reply.
* * *
Gareth was out in the garden when Eva called out and asked him to bring her the hose.
She was baking so her dragged it into the kitchen mystified. Perhaps the drain was blocked?
"What the hell are you doing? Get that dirty thing out of here. God man, are you losing it?
Gareth said indignantly, "You requested it." He watched his wife almost topple over laughing so much."
"You dumbo. I asked you to bring in a ROSE. I want it for the kitchen vase. The other one is finished. God, get hearing aids."
* * *
Gareth waited in the appropriately named room at the doctor's surgery. Two whining little kids were given sedatives that looked suspiciously like chocolate confectionery and that shut them up and he began ignoring the old woman sitting next to him who every thirty seconds asked him for the time. Their grumpy old doctor had retired and Eva had said the new woman doctor a mile farther along Mason Avenue was building quite a reputation and switched them to her practice without asking him.
"I told you three days ago I'd like to do that and you said go ahead."
"I can't remember that."
Eva had sighed so he said let it be and spent a couple of hours wondering whether she'd pulled the wool over his eyes on that one. So today he'd gone to his former surgery and was told Dr Sugar practiced a mile farther along the avenue. Christ, why hadn't Eva reminded him they'd changed surgeries?
He greeted Doctor Sugar and she corrected him and said her name was Soutar.
"Soutar? That's a funny name. Is it Dutch and how is it spelt."
"Oh Mr White perhaps it would be easier for you to call me Amy."
"Thank you I will. That's a proper name."
"How old are you Mr White?"
"You have my notes."
"That was a hearing and memory test Mr White. Not very sophisticated but I get by."
"I bet you get by with that great rack."
"Mr White, I am you medical professional."
"So, that doesn't mean you're not human. Because of you esteem place in society I didn't call them tits. Sixty-three."
"God no. My bra size is 36b."
"I was answering your question. I'm sixty-three. I heard the question and how's that for memory recall and I don't believe you are only 36b – give me a look."
"Calm down Amy. That was just my unsophisticated test. You have great hearing."
"Oh humorous are we? We'll put that to test when I squeeze your testicles and ask you to cough."
"You won't catch me out on that one. I read that practice started to become unfashionable around 1950."
"Oh very good Mr White. No flies on you."
"No they are mosquito bites."
"Excuse me? Oh I see, a joke. Very clever Mr White. I'd like to point out I am not required to accept you as a patient."
"I pay cash."
"Oooh, you have won me over. Now let me perform a full medical check and then you may tell me why you are here."
"Because my wife sent me."
Amy picked up her clipboard. "I'll ask you questions while you strip behind the screen and put on the blue gown you'll find there."
"I'm not wearing someone's gown."
"It had been newly laundered and sanitized, at considered expense to this surgery."
"In that case why don't you stock new ones?"
"I meant to say at considerable minor expense."
"That is a contradiction of terms."
"Quite correct Mr White, now will you get your fucking clothes off... oh god, what did I just say?"
Gareth grinned and said he hadn't heard; he was deaf and received a grateful smile in return.
"You are quite cute for an older guy. They are mostly grumpy. Initially I thought you spoke as if you were eighty and now I'm thinking in your fifties."
"Do you think so? Most men are not interested in my personality. My husband left me for a woman with bigger breasts than mine. Breasts are all some men think about."
"Well, I like a women with good personality and think about her pussy."
"Oh god, may we move on Mr White?"
"May we move on behind the screen and into our blue gown?"
"Nah. I'll strip in front of you. I'm not shy."
"As you please Gareth. I'll lock the door."
Gareth thought that was a cute ass moving under that white coat she was wearing.
"Well, you were near the front of the line when those were handed around."
"You mean my cock? Are you supposed to be talking to me like that?"
"No, definitely not. But you are not the usual patient. Initially I was thinking certifiable but now I'm thinking a fatherly tease and almost cute in a rough-hewn way."
"In a rough-hewn way? You sound if you like getting it rough Amy. I wouldn't mind doing that for you provided I could whack it over those thirty-sixes of yours."
Gareth caught Dr Soutar as she momentarily fainted.
Dinner was waiting when Gareth arrived home. "You took a long time dear. It's almost three hours since you left home."
The surgery was full with a line of waiting people stretching out to the street. I was the last patient.
"Oh dear, the poor woman would be exhausted. Did she give you a thorough working over?"
"I'm not familiar with that term. I have a slight hearing loss in my left ear and perhaps a thirty percent loss in my right ear. That's probably from over-straining attempting to hear you giving me instructions from three rooms away."
"Did she say that?"
"No, I offered it as a theory and that amused her. She thinks I have the start of arthritis in my left shoulder but said to leave it for the time being. Removal is an option."
"Did she say that?"
"No, I suggested it but she said she'd prescribe painkillers when I need them. She took a real fancy to me."
"Oh yes, in your dreams Gareth White."
"She's ordered blood tests, urine tests, crap tests and took semen samples."
"Semen samples – plural. Why would she do that?"
"What sort of answer is that and what kind of book did she give you to whack off into the sample-catching tube?"
"I was too fat to fit into the regulation tube so she whacked me off."
"Gareth White, in your dreams. That young doctor would regard you as a repulsive elderly man."
"Whatever you say dear. What's for dinner?"
* * *
Eva took the call next morning. Gareth allowed her to take the calls because she could hear better on the phone and eighty percent of the calls where for her anyway. She found Gareth in the workshop cleaning his golf shoes.
"It was your daughter."
"I thought she was your daughter as well?"
Eva ignored that. "She's inviting everyone to the lake for the holiday weekend. It will be a tight squeeze in their holiday home and they'll be rowdy at night so Maxine has offered us to share her rented home in return for us paying half the rental."
"Nah, let's sleep in the big house."
"What, with all that noise of the adults boozing and the kids screaming having pillow fights and all that carry on?"
"I won't notice it. You said I'm deaf."
"But not that deaf. Gareth please?"
"Oh okay. You arrange it and ask Maxine how much. Tell her we'll bring food as we won't want all our meals over in the mad house."
Gareth scratched his balls thinking of Maxine. She possessed the world's best pair of tits and he could get a hard on just looking at her legs. Pity she was such a bitch. She'd just scared off her second husband who was reputedly living with two young women in Brazil.
* * *
Maxine looked very pretty in her yellow and white sundress. She was his daughter Meg's sister-in-law.
"Oh hi Mr White."
"Since I'll be living with you perhaps you should call me Gareth."
"I suppose you known your grandchildren call you Parrot behind your back?"
"I do Maxine. Where's Mark?"
Maxine burst into tears. "Mark left me three months ago Gareth. He's divorcing me."
"What are you doing for sex? Er, have you found companionship to fill the gap?"
[Sob, sob.] "I haven't had sex for three months if that's what you're asking. It's driving my crazy."
"You ought to buy a collection of those rubber toys including some with motors in them."
"God you men are so unfeeling. You don't emote when you shove a jelly dong up pussy."
Gareth almost had a fit. "Hush Maxine, here comes Eva with our luggage. Let's talk later."
Meg called at 5:30 asking if they wanted to go to the village with everyone to the latest James Bond movie after have pizza.
"Tell Meg I'll go but Gareth hates pizza and has already seen the movie."
Maxine sighed. "I don't want to be sitting around those obnoxious kids – er, I mean your grandchildren. I'll stay behind and cook dinner."
"Oh are you sure you want to do that darling? Gareth can be even more obnoxious than our grandchildren."
"I'll be fine. Dealing with old men is like dealing with children and I'm a school teacher."
Gareth was deep into a women's magazine article, 'Why Women Can't Stand Men' when Eva came in to brief him and get ready.
"Now don't you do anything to antagonize Maxine. In fact a nice fatherly talk from you might calm her. She is so uptight."
"I'll stay away from her. In fact I don't want you to go. That woman hates men."
"Rubbish; it's not her fault she's paired up successively with two jerks. Now be kind to her."
As Eva kissed Gareth goodbye Gareth sent her into convulsions when he moaned, "What if Maxine asks me to fuck her?"
"Gareth, you're dreaming. She's not yet thirty. The thought of you... oh never mind. If she does ask you have my permission to cruise ahead," Eva said, rocking in laughter. "Oh, you can be so funny darling."
"Have a shower before dinner Mr White, er Gareth," Maxine called, "and then fix us a cocktail."