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  • Death: An Autobiography

Death: An Autobiography

Do you have a hobby or occupation that the world just doesn't understand? I do. My name is Thanatos, and I am the God of Death. My primary occupation is that of Collector of Souls. Most specifically, the Souls of Human beings. I despise the Humans. They're a blight upon the Universe. They deserve to be eradicated. I've always loathed the entire Species. I don't know why. They've always seemed like an inferior breed to me and I cannot fathom why my leader Zeus, King of the Olympian Gods shows them mercy and understanding. Like a member of any hierarchy, I don't always agree with the Boss on policy but there's not much I can do. Well, actually, I found myself wondering. Is there anything I can do to change things? That's what this tale is all about.

I'm older than the Olympians, the Pantheon of Gods who currently rule the world. Zeus is the Son of Kronos, the former leader of the Titans, those gigantic Immortals who ruled the Universe before the coming of the Gods. The Gods were led by Zeus during the Titanomachy, the War of Gods and Titans. The Gods were victorious and Zeus became the Master of the Universe. He rules the world from Mount Olympus with his wife the matronly Goddess Hera and their assorted offspring. Ares, God of War. Apollo, God of Light. Hermes, God of Speed. Aphrodite, Goddess of Love. Hephaestus, God of the Forge. Artemis, Goddess of the Hunt. Dionysus, God of Mirth. Hercules, God of Strength and Military Power. Athena, Goddess of Wisdom. The Olympians are a bunch of losers if you ask me. They do nothing but sleep around and engage in petty schemes all day. The only one I respected was Hercules, because of his strong mindset and fighting prowess in ancient times, but even he has joined their hedonistic ways recently.

When I look at the Humans, I often find myself despising them. The men and women of the earth are petty and cruel. The petty women are worse than the petty men. They're manipulative, petty, sadistic and deceitful. I don't know why some men still bother loving them anymore. I've always understood them to be treacherous snakes. Starting with Pandora, the First Woman. I don't discriminate based on gender, though. I am Thanatos, Lord of Death. The Great Equalizer. And I will be the end of Humanity. The Humans are destined to destroy themselves. Just look at their world. They're always at war with one another. Wives betray husbands and take their brats away from them. Husbands are discriminated against by the courts of justice. The laws do not apply equally to men and women. Often, women who are man-haters wield an unfair advantage and use it against innocent men. Oh, the men aren't saints. They're capable of great evil. I've known my share of evil men. It's just that the most evil of men is nowhere near as wicked as the average evil woman. I despise the entire Species. If Zeus has his way, the Humans will one day become a great Power in the Universe. If they don't kill each other first. The Gods see Humans as the heirs to the Power of the Universe. Someday, it is prophesized that the Humans will explore space using advanced technology. They will conquer many worlds and someday emerge as the Masters of the Universe. Someday, somewhere, a Human being will discover the secret of Immortality. He, or heavens forbid, she, will ascend. When the Humans finally ascend, they will be one step below the Gods.

Can you imagine? The miserable Humans one step away from Godhood? I cannot even entertain the idea without feeling ill. I hate them and I would rather destroy the entire Universe than to hand it to them. I am not the only God who feels that way. Hecate, Goddess of Vengeance and Hades, God of the Underworld also despise the Humans. However, those two lack the nerve or Power to really do something about it. Neither of them wants to displease Zeus, Mister High and Mighty. I am Death. I fear no one. Others should fear me. So, I set about the Destruction of the Human Species. This scheme was hatched thousands of years ago. It would come to fruition in the twenty first century.

The Humans are mortal creatures, which is a plus. Killing Immortals is often complicated and time-consuming. Zeus went to great trouble to kill his parents, the Titans known as King Kronos and Queen Rhea, Leaders of the Titanomachy. I was the one who instructed young Zeus on how it was done. There is no better killer than myself. Seriously. So, I began to make things happen. The Humans depend greatly on their environment to survive. I saw a tiny hole in the Ozone Layer. I maximized it, slowly destroying the protective shield which blocked harmful ultraviolet rays from the sun and leaving the Humans to their fate. The ultraviolet rays caused the Humans to get sick in a myriad ways. They caught all kinds of diseases. Skin Cancer. And all that jazz. Across the world, men and women died. The Gods had no idea. And I rejoiced. Killing Humans always makes me happy. I think it's an acquired taste. Some soldiers, policemen and virtually all Serial Killers know exactly what I am talking about. The Power wielded in the act of killing. It's addictive. I ought to know.

Across the world, I continued to encourage the Humans to destroy themselves. I set nation against nation. I encouraged the nations of the Middle East to rise against imperialist America. I encouraged Blacks and Whites to despise each other. Wherever there was anger, hate and fear, I saw possibilities. And I maximized them. I drove an angry man to kill his neighbor. I encouraged people to destroy one another. It was glorious. Men and women raged against each other across the globe. For every single one of them that died, I won. I killed leading researchers in the fields which saved lives. The male genius destined to discover the cure for Breast Cancer was slain by me. I led him to some neighborhood thugs who killed him for me. The gifted woman doing research on Prostate Cancer was killed, courtesy of a drunk-driving soccer mom. Yeah, I was pretty good. I hated all the men and women living on this planet. I wanted very much to wipe them all out. Unfortunately, the other Gods and Goddesses were watching so I had to keep my activities hidden. For now.

The plan was ingenious. And it worked perfectly. There was a man who raised funds to help young men lead productive lives and walk away from a life of crime. He encouraged them to attend college and leave behind the mean streets of Urban America. He spoke to educators, community leaders and parents of young men about the Crisis in Male Education. He wanted to help the young men of tomorrow. This man met his untimely demise when I directed a bunch of cyclists to running him over in a terrific melee. There was also a wealthy woman who assembled funds to help poor people in Africa. She was very kind. I caused a building to collapse on her on a clear day in July. In a state with no history of earthquakes. Isn't that a hoot?

There were certain Humans who really wanted to help me, whether they realized it or not. Like this man-hating female student at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. She found men to be quite irrelevant and wanted to create an all-female society. So, she decided to do what some science fiction nerds had been writing about for years. She set about creating a virus which would wipe out all males and leave the females unscathed. See what I told you about the female half of the Human Species being more wicked? I smiled. This woman had some radical ideas. How do I make it work to my advantage? I despise all Humans equally. Male and female alike. I can't have this woman kill all the men and leave the women unscathed. So, I did a little creative work. I put a certain suggestion in her mind. She introduced a certain protein sequence in the virus which would supposedly strengthen it. Little did she know that I had redesigned the whole thing. Instead of killing all men, the virus would wipe out both sexes and thereby destroying the entire Human Species. It was up to her to unleash hell on earth. Like Pandora before her, she was about to curse all of Humanity. Oh, I forgot to tell you. I was the one who inspired Pandora to unleash all the evils into the world. The dumb witch actually listened to me!

I stood atop a tall mountain, from which I could see the entire world. Godly sight enabled me to see every man and woman living on the planet. I saw everything. Men and women at work. People in office buildings. Construction sites. Farms. Prisons. Schools. Businesses. Cities. Towns. Villages. Boats. Cars. Trucks. Cabs. Everywhere. I saw everyone. I saw men and women fighting each other. Men and women making love. Men and women competing in sports. Men and women messing each other up in courts. The entirety of the Human Species going about its nasty little business. I smiled. It's fitting that their world should end. Let them all die. They should never have been allowed to exist anyway. The Human Race would die...and at last, there shall be peace on Earth.

I was so absorbed by what I saw that I didn't sense the others until they finally showed themselves. There they were, the Gods of Olympus. Actually, not just the Gods of Olympus. The Gods of the Egyptian Pantheon. The Gods of Ancient Rome. The Scandinavian Gods. The Aztec and Mayan Gods. The Gods of Ancient Africa. All kinds of Powerful immortal beings who claimed, at one time or another to be the rightful rulers of the Universe. Actually, I think I saw the Angels of Heaven as well, led by the Archangel Michael. Also standing there were the Dark Angels of Hell, led by the Archangel Lucifer, the Devil himself. The Crown Prince of Hell had come up from his lair specifically to see me. I looked at all of these eminences. All of them had a special stake in Humanity. They didn't want to see the Humans vanish into extinction. What a bunch of losers. All this for Humanity? I smiled, and bade them welcome. Let the party begin!!!!

As I looked at them, Powerful Immortals as far as the eye could see, and beyond, I couldn't help but smile. All of them were here to see me. It was such an honor...or was it? I knew exactly what they wanted. They wanted me to stop my doomsday quest to end the Human Race. That's right, Thanatos, be a good lad and don't kill all of Humanity today! I grinned as they all began speaking at once. I looked at them. Thor, Asgardian God of Thunder. Son of Odin, Lord of the Scandinavian Gods. Horus, Warrior God of Egypt. Lucifer, Lord of Hell, Second only to Yahweh Himself, the Almighty in Heaven. Michael, Archangel of Might, Commander of the Armies of the Lord. Hades, Lord of the Underworld. Zeus, King of the Greek Gods. Jupiter, Lord of the Roman Pantheon. Coatlicue, Mother of the Aztec Gods. Anansi, Spider God of the Ashanti People of Africa. Kalfu, Haitian God of the Night. All of the Supreme Powers of the Universe were gathered before me. Some were pleading me to walk away from my Path of Destruction. Others were demanding that I end my mission at once. I smiled. Their pleas had fallen on deaf ears. I did enjoy watching some of the most Powerful immortals in the universe squirm in fear, though. I only wished I had my camera. Oh, well. What did I need a camera for? I would remember it...and so would they!

At some point, the assembled eminences from throughout the Universe realized that they could not reason with me. So, they used force instead. I was expecting it. I've always expected that some day, the other Powers of the Universe would turn against me. Nobody likes Death. Men and women don't like me. Animals don't like me. Aliens from other worlds don't care for me either. Gods and Goddesses along with Immortals from every realm don't care for my company. Yet because I am Death, I am everywhere. I know everyone's strengths and weaknesses. It's part of my job description, really. I guess those seemingly all-Powerful fools forgot about that when they attacked me, en masse. Brandishing all manners of divine weapons, they came at me. A million all-Powerful supreme immortal beings versus me, Death. Someone should have told them it was no contest. But would they have listened?

I watched them come at me. Gods. Goddesses. Angels. Archangels. Demons. Spirits. Immortals. Giants. All of them. I smiled. It was all too easy. Everything that lives, whether it's immortal or mortal, has a weak point. Vampires live forever unless staked through the heart or exposed to sunlight. A Werewolf's extreme longevity can be abbreviated through a silver bullet. An ordinary man or woman had all manners of weaknesses. It was just a question of which one you would exploit to bring them down. But what weaknesses does the Scandinavian Thunder God Thor have? Or Michael, the Archangel par excellence, Commanding General of Heaven's Armies? Or Zeus, the Greek God of Thunder? What would you do to bring down Athena, Goddess of War and Wisdom? Or Lucifer, Master of Treachery and Deceit? How do you deflect the Spear of Horus, fiercest of the Egyptian Ennead? How do you outwit Anansi, brightest of the African Gods? Exactly. That's what I thought. You would get intimidated. But do you think anyone intimidates Death? No one does. Not even Hercules, whose wrestling prowess is greatly exaggerated. I let them all come to me.

When the Universe came into being, so did the Gods and Goddesses. Many of them fought each other for Power and supremacy of this part of the universe or that one. However, Chaos and Order existed long before the Big Bang, the Birth of the Cosmos. Death is older than Order and Chaos. It is the balancing act between them much like a father plays balancer between quarreling brats. The irony of it all is very funny to me. The Gods thought they could control Death. How funny. Even the Gods are bound by Fate, which itself is under my command. The fools! I flexed my hands as they came at me. I waited until all of them were upon me. Then, I went Mouth on them. Ever heard the expression the Jaws of Death? Guess where it came from. I changed shape, becoming a figure which dwarfed even the mightiest and largest Angel, Demon, God or Giant among them. I became a being so vast that even the cosmos seemed too small to contain me. I assumed my favorite shape, that of a carnivorous predator. Too late my enemies realized my intentions. To their credit, I shall say that they put up a good fight.

I stretched my jaws wide open and chomped down on them. All of them without exception. Gods. Goddesses. Giants. Demons. Demigods. Archangels. Angels. Dark Angels. Fallen Angels. All of them. I feasted on their bones. The essence of a million divine beings flowed through me. It emPowered me as never before. I had suddenly become all-Powerful. As Death, I knew the strengths and weaknesses of every living thing, whether Human or Animal, Angelic or Demonic, Divine, Titanic or Gigantic. Even the Immortals had their weaknesses. When I absorbed their Power, I suddenly developed more abilities than I knew what to do with. I shrank in size and returned to the mountain top.

I looked at the world. It felt different, now that I was the only divine being in it. All others were gone. I had eliminated the competition. My perception was enhanced to an unimaginable level. I could do anything. I looked at the world of the Humans. Rubbing my hands together, I decided to end it. The man-hating female student from MIT unleashed her virus, and she was shocked to discover that it killed both sexes indiscriminately. She was arrested, tried and executed. No one put up a defense for her. Not even the man-hating sisterhood she so fatefully served. Her virus raged across the planet, killing all the Humans. Fathers and Mothers. Sons and Daughters. The virus did not discriminate based on race, gender, age, sexual orientation or occupation. It killed all Humans. The scientists tried their best to halt it. In the end, they discovered that they simply couldn't. There were one hundred and forty seven million men and one hundred and fifty three million women in America. In three weeks, all the women died, along with all the men. Europe, Asian and Africa followed suit. Across the world, people died. All of the pathetic Human Race.

Knowing how determined to live the Humans were, I watched the dwindling survivors. They built a massive spaceship and placed upon it the brightest men and women of the world, in the hope of saving their species. How sad they were to discover that a meteor shower brought down their ship, killing everyone onboard. Some men and women went underground. They thought they could ride it out. How surprised they were to discover that the virus was airborne and was also in the water, fauna and flora. Everywhere the Humans went, it followed them. Across the globe, people died. Until one day there were two hundred people on the planet. One hundred men and one hundred women. One of my predecessors might have spared them in the hope of salvaging the species. I am not merciful. That's why Death has no friends. I led a bunch of ravenous predators to the refuge of the Last Humans On Planet Earth. The wolves, tigers, lions and wild dogs of the world took their revenge on the Humans for twenty thousand years of Human Domination of the world. At last, the Human Race was gone.

You might wonder, what is there left for me? The Humans are gone, what's left for Thanatos, God of Death? I walked the Earth anew. The Beasts of every caste and breed saluted me as their new Lord and Master. I smiled. I've always been fond of Beasts. They're very smart, adaptable and cunning. They are fiercely determined to live. Yet they don't fear death. Not really. Not the way Humans did. Animals understand that life and death are a cycle. They accept it instinctively. They understand that balance must be preserved if the Universe is to function. Animals respect nature. Only the Humans thought themselves superior to nature and therefore to Death, which lay at the end of the cycle. They thought themselves the Masters of the Universe, the Focal Point of All Existence. A belief instilled in them by those they once worshiped. I never thought the Humans were anything special. That's why I wiped them out.

I sat among the Beasts in the primeval forest which grew all over the planet Earth, taking away all remains of the Human cities. I admire the simplicity of these creatures. If it were in me to love, I would love them. I think. I looked the world over, watching my new domain. New species were waiting to be born. Old ones were living their heyday before falling into the embrace of the eternal darkness. Yes, we were all doing fine. I repaired the hole in the Ozone Layer. Fantastic new beings evolved all over the planet, dwarfing all previous species in beauty, and power. They were not yet sentient. I don't know if they will ever be. But for now, they're wonderful and harmonious with nature. They respect it, unlike the parasitic Humans. I haven't named them, and they haven't named themselves. In my mind, I refer to them as the Blessed Ones. I can't describe them to you because they're beyond anything you've ever experienced. I can tell you that they're wondrous, and special. I wouldn't be surprised if someday they became the Dominant Species of the Planet Earth. I smiled at that. The Blessed Ones were a fierce, beautiful, adaptable yet nurturing and productive breed. They would make wonderful sentient beings. Someday. Yes, if and when they ever became sentient, I would very much like to speak to some of them. For now, I must go. There is much more to the Universe than just Earth and I am needed elsewhere. In my absence, the Blessed Ones shall look after things. No worries. Earth is in good hands. The world has its...New Masters.

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