Wishing It Was Real

A long time had passed. Feelings had changed. But everything has a way of coming full circle. Once upon a time, one or both of them had vowed to never let it happen again. It wasn't what either of them planned, nor was it even what they desired. But when they were together, they fell back into the familiar patterns. They fell back into the rituals. It was too easy. It was an early morning reunion, almost one full year since they had seen each other.

The rain softly fell onto the still car. Gray and bleak sky stretched against the horizons, blanketing the early morning. Sitting in the car were two souls. They were alike in nature; opposites in deeds. He was naïve in the ways of relationships and romance while she was more experienced; older; wiser. He was overweight, kind, and sincere. She was beautiful and resourceful; people noticed when she walked by. They were drawn together, not out of love, although there was that, rather they were drawn together out of need. They both needed, in that frozen instant, to be loved.

He slowly kissed her hand, as she rested her head against his shoulder. She sighed contentment into his chest, and leaned higher to kiss his neck. He gently held her head against his skin, savoring the tactile sensation her lips were causing. She felt encouraged and kissed more forcefully. He shuddered with pleasure.

He gently detached himself and leaned down to kiss her upon her lips. They were so soft and tender. He felt his body ache with desire, because kissing her was salvation. Her body pressed against him felt to the lonely man like heaven on earth, and for that precious morning, it was.

She too enjoyed the kiss. Her body felt responsive for the first time in too long. She felt awakened and whole again. Knowing he loved her, knowing he cared, feeling his body shudder at her touch and knowing how much he desired her, she felt like a severed part of her body was being given back to her. Her torn spirit was resurrected with the holiest breath of life. She looked into his eyes and saw truth. Love without pretense. It was everything she had wanted, and everything she had needed.

They couldn't spend much time together. After the initial spell was broken, the two lovers scrambled immediately out of their clothes. They coupled quickly, intensely, passionately. But the secret had been in that kiss. In that kiss, they had already given each other everything they could.

After they made love, in the back of her car, they refastened their clothes. Scared once again to look at each other, an awkward silence descended. But they got over it. They kissed again. They fell into slow caresses, ageless and surreal. The rain continued to fall ever so softly against the windshield and roof. For the first time, one of them spoke.

"I love you," he said.

"I love you too," she said.

And they fell silent. She kissed him goodbye and he reluctantly got out of the car. He stood in the rain and watched as she checked her makeup. He watched as she slipped on her wedding ring, watched as she checked her cell phone for any missed calls. He watched, and felt a part of himself die.

She pressed her hand against the window and he extended his own. Through the glass, their fingers brushed against each other. The last bit of connection, the last tie, was cemented through the glass. It crumbled as she dropped her hand. She must have seen something in his face, some sign that this wasn't okay. Her window rolled down, and he ducked his head to keep it level with hers.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"I'm sorry too," he said, "Can't you be with me?"

"You knew what this was," she said.

"But..." he started. He couldn't finish. He saw the pain in her eyes, that miniscule flash of regret. He realized he didn't want that in her eyes. He didn't want her to feel guilty. She stared at him with growing pity and wariness.

There is more to this story, there always is. Looking back, the only thing that was real was the series of moments that the two had together. In those brief moments, it was real, it was okay, and it was right. When the moment passed, each of the many moments that the two shared, when those were over, it became wrong again. Overall, of course it was wrong; it hurt both of them too badly for it to have been right, but in my experience, human beings lust after those moments of connection so strongly that prudence is never heeded. Did they regret? Constantly. Was there pain? It was immense. Trying to take it back is like trying to excise a wound. Memory cannot be expunged by anger; it can only be eroded with time. Not enough time has passed.

They said goodbye.