Decisions

My love,

If you're reading this, then there is a question as to the quality of my life and whether I would want to continue to live "like this." You may never forgive me, but it is you I now entrust with this ultimate decision. I will not tell you exactly what to do, for the circumstances surrounding my incapacitation simply cannot be predicted. Regardless of how I landed in this situation – illness, accident, or malice – I hope these words will provide both comfort and guidance as you hold my life in your hands.

Before I continue, you must understand that I love you. I'm not talking about your garden variety love, either. I'm talking about that pure, once-in-a-lifetime, soul searing, breathtaking, multi-dimensional love. I am not telling you this to make your decision more difficult, but hopefully much less so. My love is transcendent and my trust is complete, and because of these facts – if you remain true to yourself – you simply cannot make the "wrong" decision.

Given that I must assume my prognosis is poor, I should also take this opportunity to say all the other things I should have said earlier. Yeah, I know it's cliché – but, it might be my last chance (at least in this lifetime). May you find some solace in my words. I apologize for not saying these things regularly, and I certainly hope you never felt un- or underappreciated.

Let me start by saying THANK YOU for your friendship. I thought I knew what the word meant, and then you came into my life. It was just the first of many words I would have to redefine, for you raised the bar higher than I thought possible. Next came integrity, trust, respect, love, and (last, but not least) passion.

Oh, that passion! Your touch took me places I'd never been before. Your lips set my body on fire. Your tongue brought the most exquisite pleasure. The thought of your kiss, even after all this time, still makes me light headed. As I write this, I can feel your hungry mouth upon mine – feeding on my desire. I can taste your sweet skin and hear the song of your satisfaction as it joins my own. Your scent fills my mind and inspires thoughts so deliciously wicked that I blush.

There are so many moments I would have frozen in time in order to preserve the bliss: each time I looked into your eyes and saw love gazing back at me; each smile; each caress; each kiss. I would convince myself that each was more perfect than the last. It is on those moments we must now rely for strength and sustenance.

Nothing, not even death, can ever take them from us. Having loved one another without reservation, we can never die. Having so completely shared both body and mind, we are each forever a part of the other: soul mates, in the truest sense of the word. I pray that you never have to read these words, but it gives me great comfort to know that I've written them.

And so, my love, I draw to a close. This is the last you'll have of me – for now. I could go on, but it would be repetitious. Whatever your decision, I will forever cherish the many memories we share. As you visit my bedside, know that they are always with me – cradling me in the most sublime embrace. As you hold my hand, know that I feel your pain. As you whisper into my ear, know that I hear your anguish. As you kiss my forehead, know that I taste your tears. That you feel these things so strongly only proves my decision was the right one.

Please take all the time you need. Listen only to your heart. Refuse to be pressured, one way or the other, by anyone. There's no rush, and I want – above all – for you to be able to live with your decision. I put all the dry, legal stuff in another envelope so that you would not have to share this intimate letter. It's yours and yours alone, as is my love.

So, you may wonder, on what do I want you to base this decision? It is really quite simple. If, be it now or ten years from now, you can no longer feel my love – that is when my life becomes not worth living. That is when I want to leave this world and live in your memory until the day we can be together again in my heaven.

Yours in love – always and all ways,

~ ~ ~