Roommates, Best Friends, More Ch. 04

Dear readers,

As I already told you before starting, this is a story that's developing rather slowly. Please let me know if you even want to read more or if you're getting bored by the two of them.

As always everyone is over 18. Thanks to 76Tromboners for editing!

YamiAndYugi

*****

I didn't remember falling asleep. When we woke up, Matt had cuddled up against me with his head on my shoulder. In his sleep, his face looked so peaceful and he had a little smile on his face. I didn't dare to move because I didn't want to wake him up, so I just lay there and watched him. It was a beautiful moment... until I realized that I really had to go to the bathroom. I carefully loosened myself from his grip and sneaked out. On the way back I decided to make us some breakfast. While looking for the box of teabags I knew (or rather thought) I had put in my cupboard, I heard Matt moving in his room, probably getting dressed. Then I heard our apartment door slam.

What the hell? "Matt?" I called. No answer. He had gone. But why? Did he regret what happened last night? Maybe he wasn't in love with me at all and had just kissed me, like in the heat of the moment?

Once again my thoughts started turning. Should I try to call him on his phone? No, he obviously didn't want to talk. He had been so eager to leave he didn't even take his coat, even though it was cold outside. One part of me started to worry he might get cold. Or get lost in the city. Or get in trouble. Or... I had to call him. I grabbed my phone and dialed his number, only to hear his phone ring in his room. Damn. Okay, calm down. He will be back and he will be alright. He's a grown up person! Everything is going to be fine. I took a deep breath. An image of Matt popped up in my head, shivering in the cold, just to be away from me. Matt thinking of a way to leave me. Matt with suitcases packed, ready to disappear from my life. "Fuck!" I shouted and kicked against my bed. Now I was scared, upset and my toe hurt. I walked up and down the flat, keeping an ear open for any sound that might announce his arrival. Nothing. Finally I couldn't stand it any longer. I had to go after him.

Before I went I wrote him a note. "Matt, I'm outside looking for you. Please call me when you're home. I'm worried!" I wanted to add an "I love you" but I didn't dare, so I simply signed it and left.

Two hours later, I was still roaming the city. I had been to every place I thought he might like to go. I had checked every café, every park, the library and even the few bars that had already opened. Nothing. My phone stayed silent. There was no more place I could imagine, so I decided to go home. Maybe he had come home but not seen my note.

"Matt?" I called into the apartment. No answer, but I noticed that the door to his room was closed even though I was sure I had left it open. I knocked, then tried to open the door. It was locked. "Matt, please!" I begged, "Please open the door. Can't we at last talk?" I didn't get any reaction. Maybe because he had his headphones on. Maybe because he simply didn't want to talk to me.

Honestly, I had never felt so bad in my life. Tired, sad and heartbroken, I just sat there, my back leaning against his door. I had a lump in my throat but I couldn't even cry. So I just huddled there, feeling like a pet left in the rain, waiting for his owner to pick him up. I don't remember how long I had been sitting there when the door behind me suddenly opened and I fell back against Matt.

"Alex, what the fuck?" he exclaimed. "What are you doing here?" He looked down on me with an irritated expression on his face and suddenly I was very aware of the picture I made, sitting in front of his door like an abandoned dog. "Matt, I'm sorry, I was so worried about you when you disappeared this morning. Can we please talk?" He hesitated, then nodded and let me in. I sat down on his bed and he took the desk chair

"So?" he asked with a cold voice that perplexed me.

"I... Uhm... Why did you leave this morning? I was worried!"

He frowned. "Needed time," was the only answer I got, followed by a rough: "Anything else you want to talk about?"

"Why are you acting like this?" I asked him quietly. "I don't understand what..." My gaze fell on his desk and I felt like my heart skipped a beat. "Matt!" I whispered in shock. "What did you do?" Next to his headphones there was a dirty blade and tissues soaked in blood lying on the table.

"You know I'm doing this. So what?" he shrugged. There was no emotion in his voice and his eyes looked through me as if I wasn't even there. "I know." I said, trying to make my voice sound calm and loving. Trying to pretend I wasn't breaking apart on the inside. "But I want to understand what made you do it this time. Maybe I can help you in some way. What hurt you so much? What happened this morning?" He did not answer and looked away. My hands were trembling. I wanted to hug him, hold him and at the same time just shake him until he told me what the hell was his fucking problem!

Instead, I forced myself to calm down. "Is it about us?" I asked.

Now he finally looked at me. His eyes narrowed. Something seemed to build inside of him. "Of course this is about us, you fucking idiot!" he growled. He could have punched me in the stomach for the same effect.

"Listen, if you regret what happened yesterday I'm really sorry for you. But it's not my damn fault you kissed me. I didn't force you, or did I miss something?" I was barely able to disgorge these words without shouting.

"No. Of course not. It was my fault," he said, his voice and face cold again. "Never mind."

I opened my mouth to say something and closed it again when I realized I did not know what to say. I still love you? Stop hurting me? Whatever I did wrong, I'm sorry? Please don't leave? None of that seemed fitting. Instead I rose from the bed and tried to put a hand on his arm. He pulled away. "Matt, please," I whispered. Never had I felt this helpless. "Matt, I'm sorry if this is too much. I'm sorry if something you didn't want happened last night. I'm sorry if I scared you or hurt you or if it felt to you as if I was trying to make use of your loneliness. I promise I didn't mean to. I love you but it's okay if..." my voice failed me here. I swallowed and tried again. "It's okay if you don't love me back. I can handle this, honestly, I will find a way to get over it, even though I don't know how because you are the most fucking perfect person I ever met but..." I was well aware that I was rambling, but unfortunately I just couldn't get myself to stop until his eyes met mine. There was confusion in them.

"Don't love you back? You really think that is my problem?" Finally his voice sounded human, Matty-like again. "Oh Alex, I... Damn, I do love you back, of course I do. I have been in love with you since high school."

He sighed and sat next to me on the bed. I wanted to hug him so badly, still something kept me back.

"When I woke up this morning with you being gone, sneaked out, it felt like breaking apart. I was sure you were regretting confessing that whole "I love you"-thing. Or maybe that you had found out you didn't want me anymore, now that you could have me. I panicked. I thought you were trying to act as if last night never happened."

"I would never...!"

He wiped away my interruption with a wave of his hand. "Please let me finish. This is important to me." I nodded and shut my mouth. "True or not, this made me realize how much I was risking here. I hated myself for kissing you last night. So I ran out. I couldn't even think straight anymore at that point. I felt so hurt, so scared, so angry, and nothing calmed me down. I wandered the town for more than an hour until my feet let me back here. I hoped to talk to you but you were gone. I know you left me that message but I didn't see it at first. So logically I saw my fears testified. You dropped me, there was no other explanation. And, to be honest, that was the explanation I wanted to believe."

I shook my head in disbelief. "Matt, I was only making breakfast. I wanted to surprise you. How could you think..." He had tears in his eyes.

"Alex, I'm sorry. I don't know if I can do this."