My Sexuality Ch. 03

I want to share her with other men. Those men will need to be black. That can be... misinterpreted? Offensive, even? And it can also seem rather selfish; if it's something that I am doing for her as much as for me then how can I make a demand of her like that?

First I'll discuss the black thing. I explained that I think I fall closer to the straight spectrum than the gay; closer even than the bisexual, although of course "bisexual" is an accurate term. I just don't like how vague it is.

I find all women beautiful whereas I have only found black men attractive, and I am only turned on by a cock if it's both black AND big. But even then, not always.

So the first question is, am I fetishizing black men? I don't think so. I'm not attracted to black men because I think it's degrading to have sex with them, to be used by them. I'm not attracted to black men because I think they are thugs, or having bigger dicks, or are more naturally dominant.

[On all of my accounts I play that up. I will get into why I do that shortly, but I want to explain that a bit here. All of those accounts are devoted to indulging my most perverted, deviant sexual fantasies. I have mainstream sexual desires too; they are really a larger part of who I am than this facet is.

But because this facet is so depraved I like to indulge it fully, and invite others to join me in it. This isn't exactly who I am, it's not even who I am as a sexual being; it's merely one facet of who I am sexually. When I log onto any of these accounts, I embrace that persona fully. It's not a lie, I don't think, to do that. I contain multitudes; it would be ridiculous to try to be every facet of who I am, all the time.]

I simply, for whatever reason, have never found any other color of man to be attractive. I've seen white men who are in incredible shape; I can appreciate that aesthetically, and wish that I was as fit. I've seen white men with really big, thick dicks; I can appreciate them - some of them - aesthetically, and wish that I was as well-endowed. But I've never been attracted to a man that wasn't black, or a dick that wasn't. I can admire other men - bodies or dicks - in that I wish I looked like that: was that big, or toned, or whatever, but not in an "I want that" kind of way; not a sexual attraction. Every time I have felt that kind of sexual attraction for a man - his body or just his dick - it's always, only, been a black man.

So I don't think it's fetishizing them. I think it's simply a matter of preference. It is odd, I think, that my preference is *that* rigid. But it is, and I'm not really interested in trying to open psyche up more simply to prove to somebody else that I'm not racist.

As far as preferring black men who may fit that thug, dominant, hung stereotype? Well, I am submissive; if I have sex with a man I want him to be black, I want him to be big, and I want him to be dominant. Those are simply traits that I find attractive in a man. I don't think that all black men are like that, and I'm not attracted to black men because I think they tend to be more like that than any other race. I just like those things.

So when I write stories, or tweet pictures, that's what I write about because it's what turns me on. As far as porn being racist because that's such an overwhelming stereotype in interracial, I agree. I prefer it but I see the need for more variety - in all porn really, not just interracial. I sent an email to Blacked.com to ask them to show a scene that wasn't the stereotype; an interracial couple on honeymoon. They came out with a scene with Jason Brown and Sophia Leone; they aren't on honeymoon but they are dressed as a married couple. (A photoshoot for a wedding magazine - if memory holds - and it's definitely more progressive than most.) I'm not sure that it was inspired by my suggestion; I sent the email something like four and a half months ago. It could be coincidence. But really that's besides the point; the point is that I see the need for variety, and not only want it but went out of my way to request it.

(Besides the point? Beside the point? Both are correct, yes?)

Now, moving on to whether or not it's selfish to ask my girlfriend or wife to only have sex with black men, with the exception of myself. All of her partners should be approved by both of us; we will both have veto power. The idea isn't to give her men that only I will enjoy watching her have sex with, of course she needs to desire them too. But given my rigid voyeuristic preferences, I wouldn't enjoy watching her have sex with men that aren't black. And given that it's meant to be a shared experience, she won't be having sex with men unless I'm watching; it's for both of us, all the time.

Whatever role she wants me to play, I'm more than happy to fulfill that role; watching respectfully from a distance (not that far, not, like, through binoculars or anything. But I've seen some porn when the cuck is, like, looming over them. I saw one in which he was perched on a stool, looming over them like a bird of prey. That shit's just creepy; dude, take a step back. Just, give them a bit of room, yeah?) If she wants me to help out then I'm there for her.

[It would be really fun, I think, to give her competing attention. I will provide the gentle ministrations, lying underneath her and kissing her thighs, stroking her side, kissing her lips, attending her clit. And he can be behind her, providing the fucking; pounding her, stretching her out, pulling her hair and spanking her. I want to see how she reacts to that; I think she'd have an amazing orgasm when receiving that kind of competing sensations.

SIDENOTE: I don't want her to "ruin" her pussy. Return it in roughly the same shape you got it in, dude. That's not sexy. It also smacks more than a little of sexism, as if she having sex ruins her, like used gum. Maybe I'm being overly sensitive here... but even if I am, I can't help that it's not sexy to me.]

If she occasionally wants to tease me, to take on a more assertive role, that's great too. I want it all; I want her to share with me how she's feeling, to share with me how much she loves me for sharing her, for wanting to share her. But I also want her to tease me, to have fun with the fact that I - we - are pervs. And if she wants to be more of a bitch like in cuckold porn, that's cool too... occasionally... maybe. I will know it's coming from a place of love, and that she's having fun. Which is important to me. But I'm not gonna lie, if it becomes a regular thing, I may question how much of it is simply teasing.

You may argue that that shows that I'm not ready for this relationship, but I don't think that it *would* become a problem. If I'm with the right woman, it wouldn't. If I'm with the right woman, and we don't *need* another in our relationship, then she wouldn't do that.

Perhaps looked at in a certain light it's selfish to demand I'm always there. But she should want me to be there; I want her to enjoy herself with him, but she should enjoy herself even more knowing that I'm getting off on watching her. Her pleasure will enhance my own, as mine will enhance hers.

If she wants it to be about me as much as she wants it about her - as I want it to be about her as much as I want it to be about me - then she won't have a problem with my requirement. I could see, perhaps, if she had a problem with it because she's worried what it says about me, perhaps; if she's worried that it's some kind of racist thing, that I get off on seeing her "degraded" by black men. That probably should make her uneasy, both IF I saw her having sex with black men as being degrading to her as well as if I *wanted* to see her degraded.

At least, I don't want to see her degraded in the negative connotation of the word. In some ways, being degraded can be a turn-on; it can be hot to be used, shame can increase arousal. That's one big reason why incest is such a huge hit here; it's taboo and that sense of shame, of committing a forbidden act, can cause shame, but in a completely fucked-up way that shame only fans the flames of our arousal.

I don't want my girlfriend to have less respect for me because I want to share her; she should have more. She should love me more - appreciate our relationship more - because we are confident and secure enough to explore everything sexual together; to share our sexual fantasies, to be supportive, to indulge and encourage each other. So of course I don't want to be degraded, or see her degraded... except I kinda do, to both.

I think it's a bit of a failing of the English language here. Or maybe the failing is mine, maybe the word is out there I just have either forgotten it or never knew it. But... say, I don't want either of us degraded in the way that is more akin to being demeaned; what I want, sometimes, and want for her, sometimes, is to be degraded, but on our terms. Whatever the proper term for that may be.

[Footnote on incest: I think there are two reasons incest is a such a runaway favorite in erotica, particularly here. One reason I mentioned; the other is because there is already a foundation of love there. All the writer has to do is simply shift that love from a more familial love to a more romantic love.

I think erotica is a superior medium because it can really allow us to explore the psyche. This works very well with shame for the reason I mentioned before. That can work very well with nonconsent/reluctance stories; that element can be found in many stories even if they aren't placed in that category. A lot of seduction stories play with elements of reluctance; the point when reluctance turns into submission is simply a little earlier in stories not in that category. In that specific category that switch may not flip until after the sexual act has begun, which is absolutely fucked up in real life but in the story we know it will end well. Or, even if it tends more towards nonconsent than most of us would be comfortable with, we know it's merely a story. And hopefully we don't judge those who enjoy those stories - as long as we can separate fantasy from reality - even if we don't share those fantasies.

Those seduction stories work particularly well at emphasizing contrasts. You can really get in the protagonist's head and enjoy their downfall from a normal, average person to a sex-crazed freak. We started out with a relatable protagonist but now, towards the end of the tale, we see that average college student, or housewife, or whatever, committing deviant, depraved acts, unable to deny their needs. It works particularly well, I think, with straight protagonists being turned gay/lesbian. I tend to prefer those stories.

But the other way it can be used is to really explore the more tender side of sex; being in the protagonist's head can allow writers to really explore the blossoming of romantic, tender, or passionate feelings. With incest it's such a simple thing to take familial love and twist it just a bit, pervert it and turn it romantic; it's a great way to introduce characters and their relationship to one another. And because it's taboo it still does have that dirty, depraved element that works so well also.)