There and Back Again Ch. 029-030

Chapter Twenty-Nine: Love and War

In the morning I was, unsurprisingly, exhausted. Morrigan and I packed up, just in case, but stayed put. I ended up dozing by the fire, not sleeping deeply enough to repeat the dreams from the night before. I had just shut my eyes, it seemed, when Morrigan was shaking me, one hand clamped over my mouth. I opened my eyes and saw her face, pale with fear. She hissed quietly in my ear.

"Darkspawn. Scouting party, big one. Need to move."

I nodded understanding, sitting up quickly but carefully, climbing to my feet, unsheathing my daggers as I followed the witch into the woods. I tried to step quietly, but it had never been my strong suit. I winced at every snap of branches underfoot. Morrigan led me away from the fire for a bit, then bade me climb a tree. She then changed into a bird and flew back towards our camp. I could hear vague sounds off in the distance, as I clung to the tree I was in. I assumed she must have changed into human form, made enough noise to draw the scouting party off, and then changed again to avoid capture. She flew back to me a few minutes later, landing in the tree nearby.

"Everything okay?" I whispered nervously.

Bird-Morrigan hopped around a little and cheeped softly.

"Right. I'm an idiot. I'm going to assume it's a yes, and stop asking dumb questions. Hop around some more or something if I'm assuming incorrectly." I could have sworn that bird face was grinning.

After a bit she took off and flew away again, I assumed to ensure that they hadn't come any closer. I waited, and waited, and waited. I wondered just how long I would stay stranded in the damn tree before climbing down and going to check on things myself. A long time, if I was honest with myself. I'm no hero.

I was saved from having to contemplate it too much further by crashing noises down below. I peered down and saw, to my vast relief, Alistair hacking his way through some dense underbrush with his sword, the rest of the group following in the path he'd cleared. Morrigan landed in the tree again beside me.

"Thank you, Morrigan." I whispered so the rest of the group wouldn't hear.

I climbed down the tree like it was on fire and threw myself at Aedan, clinging around his neck, voice tight as I tried not to cry. He caught me and hugged me, seeming to understand.

"Aedan, I swear to God if you ever scare me like that again..."

"I know, I know. I knew when we camped last night you'd be beside yourself that we hadn't joined you. I'm sorry Sierra, but we were so tired...there just was no way for us to have come any faster. It's okay."

"Never again, okay? We stay together. Please?" He hugged me tighter and I felt him nod.

I finally let go, still slightly shaky. I turned and hugged Leliana, Zevran, and Wynne as well, smiling at Sten and earning myself a smirk, and then spotted Alistair. I was still awkward around him, still somewhat angry, but with Aedan's voice inside my head telling me that I avoided him, I couldn't not. I pulled Alistair into a hug, and enjoyed being held a little too much. I even gave Prince a little cuddle, and he licked my face. Shale I ignored, as usual.

"So?"

"It's done." Ding, dong, the witch is dead. Sometimes you are so inappropriate, Sierra!

Everyone felt able to travel a bit further, and we decided with a large scouting party around somewhere, moving was a smart plan. We decided to wait to repack our gear, so I walked easily with just my light pack. By the time we camped, Aedan figured we were probably another day from finding Bodahn on the road. We didn't spar, we didn't practice; we all sat, near each other, even Morrigan in our midst, and took solace from each other's company. Clinging to Aedan's hand, inside our little tent, I felt the best I had in ages.

********

I woke back in hospital again. My personal inventory was unchanged - no new tubes, no monitors. I was sharing a room with an elderly woman who was fast asleep in the dim light of early morning. I sat up, feeling only marginally sore and definitely not weak. It occurred to me that this had been my longest streak yet in Thedas, but I still experienced none of the atrophy the doctor had mentioned previously. I collected my clothes, personal supplies, and a towel and set off in search of a shower. I didn't run into anyone in the hallway, and just wandered about, feeling a bit like I'd been trapped inside 'The Twilight Zone' or something, but eventually found a room that appeared to be for patient use, that indeed sported a shower head. I locked myself in, showered, dressed, and as I leaned over to tie my boots, was just able to reach up and pull the help cord that was hanging from the wall as the dizziness hit and I pitched forward onto the wet tile floor.

********

I woke in the same place I must have disappeared from. My bedroll was uncomfortable – I was laying on my armour, which I'd gone to sleep in – but otherwise it would appear as though I hadn't moved. The bedroll next to mine was empty – Aedan was awake, somewhere. It was light out, and I wondered why everyone hadn't packed up to leave yet. I could hear faint murmuring in the distance, and I sat up, changed into my armour, and headed out to find the source of the sound.

I found Leliana, Wynne, Morrigan, Sten, Prince, Zevran, and Shale all relaxing in a clearing enjoying the sun. They chatted amongst themselves, and that had been the source of the noise I'd heard. They all stopped when they saw me, and then Leliana cracked up into a laugh. Zevran smirked and Wynne chuckled; even Morrigan and Sten looked amused. Prince came bounding over to lick my hand and promptly sat on my boot, as usual. I was bewildered.

"What? And where are the Grey Wardens?"

Leliana tried to stop laughing, succeeding only for a few words at a time, until Zevran finally took over.

"Aedan is over there, by the stream." He pointed to the south. "Alistair is over there, last I checked trying to chop down a tree with his bare hands. We thought it best to separate them before someone got hurt."

"Huh?" I'm always so articulate.

Zevran actually giggled. "They had a, shall we say, difference of opinion about what to do when they woke to find you gone. Then each talked the other into changing their opinions. Much shouting ensued before we sent them off to have a chance to cool down."

Oh God. "Tell me."

"Initially Aedan was planning for us to all pack up and keep moving. Alistair refused, saying we could wait a day or two until you returned. They argued for a while, and suddenly they were each arguing the opposite side. Alistair admitted we should go and Aedan refused. That's when the shouting really started."

I rolled my eyes, cheeks flushing slightly. Alistair wanted to stay? For me? "Alright, give me a minute to get them sorted. Would you guys pack up for me?"

They nodded, and I headed in the direction Aedan had gone, following the sound of running water. I found him sitting on the bed of a small stream, eyes closed, boots off and feet in the water. He jumped as I sank down beside him.

"You're an idiot, you know that, right?"

He nodded, opening his eyes. His expression was that of someone who'd been through hell. I twisted, putting my arms around his shoulders, and pulled him into an awkward embrace. He rested his head on my shoulder and I felt him shudder.

"I'm fine, Aedan. Nothing is going to happen to me. If anything, I'm probably safer there than here!"

I could feel him nod but he didn't pull away.

"I don't want to be left here alone. I don't think I could do this if you disappeared and didn't come back."

"You could, and you would. You're stronger than that! And you're not alone. You have Alistair, Leli, Wynne... Zevran. They wouldn't let you be alone. We are all a family now, okay?"

He moved to grab me in his arms. "I love you, dear sister."

"And I you, brother. Now put your boots on. I've got to go get Alistair, and we've got some walking to do. The werewolves aren't going to cure themselves."

I found Alistair slumped on the ground near a large tree whose trunk had been badly abused, as Zevran had warned me. From the shattered branches scattered around, he had tried to use deadfall as an axe.

"If you really needed wood so badly, there's a hatchet in my pack, Alistair. This isn't the most efficient way to chop down a tree."

He jumped up when he heard my voice, spinning towards me and crossing the clearing in a couple of huge leaps. He grabbed me and spun me once, dragging an indignant, startled shriek from my lips before he put me down and backed away hastily, cheeks flaming red.

"I'm, uh, glad you're back, Sierra. I really hate it when you disappear like that."

"You're not the only one!" I grinned. "Now will you pull yourself together and come back to camp? We should get going."

Back at camp, Aedan and Alistair avoided eye contact with each other awkwardly. Everyone was standing, staring back and forth, no one knowing what to say. I finally sighed.

"Alright. So. In front of everyone, so there's no confusion next time. If and when I disappear again, you are all to keep going, okay?" I waved my hand impatiently when both Aedan and Alistair tried to object. "Both of you shut it. I will find you when I get back. The important thing is that you two end this Blight. Standing around a campsite arguing about it isn't going to help."

They both flushed, looking sheepish. I pinned them both with stares until they relented and agreed, one after the other.

"Now shake hands and make up."

Aedan shot me a dirty look. Alistair's face got even redder. Neither man made a move.

"I mean it! Shake hands and make up, or I swear to God I will smite both of you into oblivion. We don't have all day!"

This triggered a laugh from the peanut gallery watching, and finally I saw cracks form in both Wardens' demeanours. Aedan finally chuckled and held out his hand, and Alistair surged forward to shake it. They grinned at each other, and Alistair clapped Aedan on the back as they headed towards where everyone else was packed and ready to go.

"She's scary. I think we should do as she says."

Aedan agreed, a little too quickly. "Too right. I'll watch your back if you watch mine."

I stuck my tongue out at both of them in my usual mature fashion.

After another two days of walking, we met up with Bodahn, all of us happy to be able to tuck our possessions into his cart. Except me, since I hadn't carried mine the entire time. It was sweet of Alistair, but I was starting to feel really self-conscious about the whole thing. How will I ever get better stamina and strength if no one lets me try? I lightened my pack, but continued carrying it just to make a point. Alistair gave me a look, but I ignored it and kept walking.

We were a full two weeks of walking from where we expected to pick up traces of the Dalish. We ran into a few ambushes – bandits once, darkspawn a couple of times – as well as a group of Loghain's men fighting with some of the local Bann's men. We sided with the Bann's men, and Loghain's were driven off. Everyone seemed relieved we didn't have to kill them all. We took the opportunity to spread the truth of Loghain abandoning the King and Grey Wardens at Ostagar a little further. We even ran into a group of Qunari mercenaries – Tal Vashoth, I remembered, and Sten seemed impressed that I knew the word. They seemed shocked when they saw we had a Qunari with us, and barely even tried to defend themselves. Qunari are weird, Tal Vashoth or not.

Aedan started acting oddly part way through the journey. At first only I noticed it, but he was becoming somewhat distractible and jumpy. And then there were the times I woke in the night to find myself in an empty tent, and he wasn't out by the fire, either. It didn't take much for me to figure what he was doing. I bet my boots Zevran's tent is empty too! No one else noticed initially, but then I started seeing Wynne and Leliana giving Aedan strange looks. I finally pulled him aside one evening.

"Hey, Aedan...."

"Yes?"

"I...look. You've been acting kind of odd lately. I know why. And don't get me wrong, I'm not upset by it or anything. But I think you need to decide if you're going to be honest about it in public. If not, you need to learn to hide it better."

"What are you talking about?"

"Aedan. Really?"

"But...how did you..."

"Because you're not very good at sneaking around? Sometimes I wake in the night and you're not in our tent. You didn't think I'd notice?"

"Does everyone know?"

"Don't think so. But they're going to figure it out. You've been distracted lately. You stare at Zev – a lot. Someone is going to put two and two together. My advice? Either just tell everyone, or learn to be a better actor. Otherwise you're going to get caught with your pants down and it'll be awkward for everyone."

"It doesn't bother you?"

"Why would it? You know I like him. And you're a big boy now, you can choose who to be with."

"But...I thought you said that back home, some people frown on two men...."

"Yep. I also said I thought it was stupid. What difference does it make to me whether my brother has a wife or a husband? If you're happy, I am."

"I love you, Sierra." He hugged me. "I'm not...quite ready to admit to it yet, not to everyone. Will you help me hide it better?"

"Of course, brother dearest."

After that, Aedan got better at paying attention again. I covered for his absence from our tent the once or twice anyone noticed.

One day Zevran approached me after dinner when I was sitting off a little ways, just quietly watching everyone in camp.

"So, cara mia, it has been more than a month, yes? Since our deal?"

"Oh, Zev. Really? Are you that keen to be self-destructive? I thought you decided you liked your life."

"Oh, but I do, bella donna. What has that to do with anything?"

"Well, I told you that if you asked me to have sex with you, I'd tell you why I wouldn't. I know you're not so foolish as to misunderstand how Aedan will react if you do such a thing." He jumped slightly and I grinned. "I'm not completely oblivious, Zev."

"Ah, yes. Although...the conversation we had when I first met you implied that you did not know who would end up in a tent with whom, yes?"

"True. The performance couldn't account for free will, I guess."

"So you couldn't have known how things would be, with Aedan, when we discussed this."

"Nope."

"Which means there are other reasons for you to want to decline all..." he gave an arrogant hip thrust and gestured in his own general direction, "this. Yes?" I couldn't help but giggle, half-breathless with amusement. "I was just wondering...if you would tell me why. Even if I don't ask you to share a tent."

"Oh, dear, the Great Zevran is feeling a little bit self-conscious? His ego cannot take an unexplained refusal to give in to temptation?"

"Aha, so you do admit to feeling the temptation, then." He covered it well, but I could see the self-doubt behind his eyes.

"Oh, Zev. Listen. You're a nice man, though you try not to show it sometimes. You're kind, and generally well-meaning when given any sort of choice. You're good looking, and I have no doubt are very talented in bed. Of course that's tempting!" He grinned, arrogance restored, and I laughed, but then my smile faltered a bit.

"Let's do a little mental exercise, together, shall we? A game, if you will. I like to call this game 'what if'. It's fun to play in many situations. 'What if the sky were green, not blue? What if Maric hadn't died? What if Cailan survived the battle at Ostagar?'" He looked up, and I grinned. "I play this game a lot, as you can see. So let's play one together.

"What if Sierra fell in love with Zevran? Because that is what it would be for me - I wouldn't be with someone I didn't love. And if you didn't love me, it wouldn't work either, so I'd have to assume you loved me too."

"Well, there's our first problem. I don't fall in love."

"Did you forget who you're talking to? I know about Rinna, Zev. You're as capable of love as the next person, and if you weren't such a coward about it, you'd realise you're already in love." I stuck my tongue out for good measure, and Zev laughed, though his smile did not reach his eyes, I noted.

"Anyways. As I see it, at first, all is well. We travel with Aedan, we fight darkspawn. We kill Taliesen when he comes for you. We end the Blight. But then what, Zev? What happens after?"

He looked at me speculatively. "We live happily ever after?"

"Ri-ight. So...you're going to settle down with me, and what. Become a farmer?"

"Well, no..."

"What then. A merchant? A baker? No? So then, what? You become a self-employed assassin instead of a Crow? You know I'm not okay with that idea. You don't have to be an assassin anymore, and even if it doesn't bother you, you know how I would feel about it. Killing in self-defense makes me physically ill. Killing for money? Couldn't live with it."

"And the other thing. We will face Taliesen, at some point. We will kill him. What do you think the Crows will do when he doesn't return? Do you think they'll just give up? I think they'll keep issuing contracts, keep trying to kill you for leaving them. And I doubt they'd have any qualms about using someone you love as a pawn, either as bait or to force your hand. I may be learning, but do you think I can defeat a Crow? Even the rawest apprentice could kill me. So you'd have to watch me, all day, every day, forever, and we'd either have to go on the run, which isn't a life I'd choose, or go to war with the Crows. And I'd be a liability in that sort of war. You would get killed trying to protect me, or I'd get killed by the Crows and you'd have to live with feeling like you failed me. And if, by some miracle, we won, Antiva would be destroyed by a power vacuum. So either something worse would step in, or you'd have to run the Crows, and we're back to me not being okay with that.

"There's no happy ending for you and me, Zev."

He was silent for a few minutes, and I watched his mask hide the thoughts that must have been going through his head.

"I can't fault your logic." I nodded, relieved. "I'm impressed that you've thought that much about it, actually. You must have spent a lot of time finding reasons you cannot be with me. One might even think you had to work at it. I am flattered that you spent so much time trying to justify to yourself why it could not work. I hope it does not break your heart when I tell you that you and I were not meant to be, cara mia. I am sorry."

I giggled, and his eyes flashed amusement.

"As it turns out, I think I'll live. Besides, it would seem you have other...matters to occupy your mind. And your, um, hands. And things."

He grinned. "And those other matters...might not be happy if I was to seduce their sister? More justifications. Please, bella donna, do not take it so hard."

"I'll try. I'm sure with years of counselling, I'll get over it." We sat companionably for a few minutes, watching the rest of our group at camp talk and sit and eat. Alistair was cleaning his sword and shield, and I surreptitiously stared for a few moments before my gaze snapped back to Zevran. I watched his eyes follow Aedan, and saw Aedan stiffen as he felt Zevran's gaze on him. I smiled at the hungry look even his Crow mask couldn't hide. Zevran noticed and grinned back at me.

"And who are your hands, and 'things', occupied with then, bella donna?"

"Me? No one. You expect me to believe that you don't know every intimate secret about this group? If I was 'occupied', you'd be the first to know."

"Ah, true. But I think your mind has not been as circumspect as the rest of you has." He shuffled over to sit beside me, looking where I was. "He is a wonderful specimen, I must admit. So naïve and awkwardly charming! And those shoulders, no?" I blushed and stammered, and he continued on, smirking. "Surely a future with him would not be so problematic for you, yes? You cannot still be holding a grudge. And he has not failed to notice you either, cara mia."