I Keep Reaching Ch. 05

*Author's note: I strongly recommend reading the first four chapters before reading this one. They aren't that long. I like when authors develop the characters so I did a lot of that. If you're here for a quick fap, look elsewhere. Like chapter 4, heh.

Just a warning: I plan on going over the first 4 chapters and making them a bit easier to read, so the next and final chapter will likely take a bit longer to publish than these last few have. I apparently have some pretty bad writing habits so hopefully I can clean them up. It's hard to find editors but I feel like I'm getting better at this writing thing so **bear** with me.

As always, any and all feedback is appreciated!

****

"It's not fair!" Chloe cried, pulling away from me.

"I know," I agreed.

****

Eventually I pulled Chloe into my arms and held her for the remainder of the movie as she sobbed into my chest. It was breaking my heart to do this to her, to abruptly pull the plug on our relationship, but I truly felt that by doing this, I was protecting her. I had a haunting suspicion that our mother was aware of our relationship and it scared me to the core.

I continued to reassure her that I wasn't going anywhere and that I would be a big part of her life, forever.

"Do you promise?" Chloe implored.

"Of course!" I answered immediately. "We can keep hanging out and holding hands but.. that's it, okay? Anything more than that is too dangerous."

It was true. We had committed incest, on multiple occasions, and continuing it further was just too dangerous. Our family was deeply religious and my father would throw us out on the streets before agreeing to the relationship we had developed. I likely would have received the harsher punishment, but more than anything else, I just didn't want to be responsible for anything bad happening to my baby sister.

Eventually Chloe calmed down and we backed up the movie and rewatched it. She was on her side, resting her head on my shoulder. Despite everything I told her, I desperately wanted to reach out and caress her cheek or rub the back of her neck. I wanted to tell her to forget everything I had just told her so I could feel the warmth of her lips against mine again, but I didn't. I tried to bury those thoughts.

"Are you okay, Chloe?" I asked after the credits started running down the screen.

She nodded at me, unconvincingly.

"I swear: if I wasn't your brother, I'd be all over you right now. You believe me, right?"

Chloe nodded again and smiled for a moment, before her sadness returned and washed over her face. I faked a warm smile and told her I was going to put in a new movie.

We watched one last movie before going to bed. It was another generic horror flick that we had picked up from a Redbox at the mall. After it ended, I forced myself out of Chloe's arms and got up to leave, much to Chloe's objection.

"I'm going to bed. I'll see you first thing in the morning," I said, walking to the door.

Chloe remained on her bed, still lying on her side in the same position she was in before I had moved. I'm doing the right thing, I tried to convince myself. Even as the thoughts passed, I didn't believe them. How could I be doing the right thing if it was so painful to do?

I was lying in my bed, alone, staring blankly at the ceiling for a long time. Even as tired as I was from the long day at the mall, I couldn't fall asleep. My thoughts were in constant conflict over whether or not I made the right decision. I tried to think of things other than Chloe, like doing things that I had put off since the school semester ended. I needed to call an old boss at a local restaurant to see if I could work some hours over Christmas break so I would have some spending money for the next school semester. I had put it off for several days while I was entirely focused on spending time with Chloe. My thoughts did this constantly, breaking away only to circle back to Chloe. I was probably lying there for an hour, fully awake in the darkness, when I heard my door creak open.

My eyes were fully acclimated to the darkness and I easily recognized Chloe slip into my bedroom. She was wearing one of my old t-shirts and it draped over her petite body like a gown. I smiled as I recognized Stone Cold Steve Austin cracking a beer can and pouring it over his face as the centerpiece.

"Hey," I whispered as she stood near the door, appearing nervous and apprehensive.

She walked to the edge of my bed and sat down. The oversized shirt rose up her waist, exposing her long, naked legs. I wanted to reach over and touch her but I resisted. She turned to me and spoke in a soft voice:

"I understand that we can't be together. But I need you right now."

Before I had a chance to protest, Chloe slipped into my bed and under my covers. She grabbed my left arm and wrapped it around her before backing up into me. I sighed as I felt her warm body against mine and breathed in the familiar smell of her watermelon shampoo. My reluctance instantly evaporated and I pulled her tighter against me. Lying like this, spooned behind Chloe, I quickly fell asleep.

****

When I awoke the next morning, Chloe was still pressed against me. There was just a thin sheet covering us and it wasn't covering much. Chloe's oversized t-shirt had risen up to just below her chest, exposing the majority of her flat, pale belly. The flimsy white sheet was barely covering her feet and her lower body was completely naked except for a thin layer of cotton panties covering her crotch.

I was aware that I had a hard-on and it was pushing against Chloe's ass. I internally fought against the urge to touch her but ultimately lost as my hand found its way to her soft, smooth legs and started caressing her upper thigh.

Then I felt movement from Chloe in the form of her ass grinding against me. She was awake.

I suddenly felt like a pervert. What the hell was I doing? I thought. I climbed over Chloe and got off the bed. I quickly moved to the door and kept my back to her so she wouldn't see the tent in my boxers.

"I'm gonna take a quick shower then eat some breakfast," I said as I walked out of my bedroom.

I couldn't bring myself to look back at her as I left. I knew she would take this as rejection and would be hurt. I'd have to explain it to her later.

I stripped off my boxers before turning the shower knob all the way to the right and standing under the scorching water.

I needed to disconnect the part of my brain that was wired to find Chloe sexually attractive. The moment she woke up, I felt twisted and depraved. Like a sick pervert, I had touched her; pushed myself against her, while she was sound asleep. There was no way she was going to be able to move on if I couldn't control myself.

My erection quickly deflated as the hot water hit my back and sent the pain centers of brain into overdrive. I grimaced as the scathing water burned my skin before I slowly adjusted to the heat.

The rest of the day was spent in similar torment. Tried as I could, my mind continued to wander into perverse oblivion as we spent nearly the entire day in each other's company. Still, I managed to limit our interactions to holding hands and cuddling.

We were sitting on opposite ends of the living room couch watching MTV when I recognized that I had missed a couple text messages. The first was from Anna and it had been sitting in my phone for over a day before I noticed it. It read:

Anna: Okay, so maybe you can text me if you want. Chloe told me what was going on with Nathan. I feel terrible that I didn't notice anything. Ugh! What a jerk!

Another one read:

Anna: Anyway, I GUESS I approve of being used in your conspiracy to viciously beat another human being in broad daylight. At least if they deserve it!

Anna: Okay, well Dad's taking me car shopping so I'll ttyl, text me!

Did I say a couple text messages?

Anna: Hello? Are you receiving these?

Anna: Text me!

There were several more and I had missed them all as I had spent the majority of yesterday with Chloe. I responded to Anna, apologizing, and told her I'd text her. I had also received a Facebook message from Nathan's girlfriend, Samantha, responding to my message that informed her of her boyfriend's infidelity:

Samantha: I think I knew for a while. I dumped him. Thanks for telling me...

Samantha was a pretty girl with long blonde hair who usually hung out with the popular crowds at school, mostly due to her good looks. She was the stereotypical quiet girl that always had popular friends because of how pretty she was. I had enrolled in primarily honors classes in high school and shared a lot of classes with her. She was kind, and while I probably didn't belong in honors classes, she was a stand-out and was always willing to help someone who was struggling on a particularly difficult subject.

I figured I owed her at least this much so I sent her another message:

Erik: I can go into more detail if you like, but I don't think it's anything you haven't heard before. I'll just say something happened that involved my sister. It didn't end well for Nathan.

I tucked my phone away and looked over at Chloe. She was on the opposite end of the couch, reclining against the cushion with her hands behind her head. Her prominent chest was propped up in her tanktop; her creamy cleavage spilling out the top. I forced my eyes up. She smiled when she noticed I was staring.

She seemed to be adjusting well to the abrupt change in our relationship. This, in turn, made me happy of course but at the same time saddened me. We had crossed a boundary that would be impossible to forget about, and I wondered if I would always long to be on that side of the line. I still felt tormented and conflicted, but Chloe seemed happy now, so unlike how she was the night before, and for some reason, that conflicted me further.

"Hey," Chloe said. "Anna wants to go see that new Cloverfield movie, do you want to come with us?"

Truthfully, my answer was unequivocally 'yes,' as I simply wanted to be close to Chloe, but I hesitated to answer. I knew Anna had a crush on me and would probably make a move on me at the theatre. As flattering as it was, I didn't have any interest in Anna. I wanted Chloe but I knew I couldn't have her; it would be too selfish of me. I also knew that if Anna did make a move on me that it could upset Chloe and disrupt the progress we had made towards a normal relationship.

"No, I'm gonna stay here. You go on without me," I said, forcing a smile.

Chloe closed the distance between us and placed her hand on mine before saying, "Are you sure?"

"Yeah," I told her, breaking eye contact. This was so hard to do for some reason. "Mom will be home soon, I'll tell her you're at the movies."

"Okay," Chloe responded. "Do you mind if I take your car and meet her at the theatre?"

I told her that was fine. She said the movie was starting in an hour and that she was going to head out now. I ran upstairs to grab my car keys before running back down and finding Chloe waiting at the front door. I walked towards her and handed her my car keys and the twenty dollars in my wallet.

"Thank you," she said.

We were an arm's length away from each other and Chloe reached up and touched the side of my face before kissing me on the lips. It was a brief kiss but I could feel my lips quivering under her pressure. It had only been a day since the last time she kissed me, but despite my objections, I longed for it. My reserve was completely empty at this point and if she'd insisted, I would have pulled her into my arms and kissed her properly. She didn't, though, and the kiss only lingered for a few moments. She smiled and said she would be back in a few hours. Then she was gone.

This is mad! I thought to myself while sitting on the couch, leaning over with my head in my hands. I wanted to go with her so bad, just to be near her, but I couldn't. I needed to move on; we both needed to move on. My thoughts were in constant disagreement and I was in agony. I couldn't help it; tears trickled down my cheeks as I felt sorry for myself and wished desperately to be anyone else. I was alone with my troubling thoughts for the better part of an hour.

Eventually I heard the garage door open and listened as my mother walked into the kitchen with what smelled like fried chicken. With Chloe at the movies and Dad still at work, it was just the two of us in the house. I went into my parent's bathroom and made myself presentable before going into the kitchen.

"Smells good," I said as I walked to the cabinet to grab a plate.

"Where's your sister?" Mom asked.

"She went to see a movie with Anna."

I brought my plate over to the large cardboard box filled with fried chicken and laid it down on the counter. Before I had a chance to fill my plate, Mom stopped me.

"Wait," she said. "We need to talk."

Okay, she definitely knows, I thought. If this had surprised me, I might have been frightened but I suspected she knew and broke things off with Chloe. Also, this was my mother who seldom got angry at all, much less at me.

"I hear you two upstairs, at night. You have to stop. Your father will kill you and I'm not exaggerating!" she snapped.

Busted, I thought. It was a good thing I managed to make Chloe understand otherwise this conversation would have been a lot more difficult.

As I mentioned previously, my father played the role of punisher in my parents' relationship and despite the allegations at hand, Mom just wasn't that intimidating. She had bright, curly red hair and was barely over five feet tall. I definitely got my brown hair and my tall nature from Dad. Chloe was a perfect blend of our parents genes: several inches taller than Mom with dark auburn hair.

"I know. I was away from her for a while.." I explained. "Things got a little out of hand when I tried to help cheer her up. We're not doing that anymore, I promise."

Mom sighed through her nose and tilted her head down while glaring up at me. It was her motherly way of showing her disapproval, except I was far too tall for that strategy to have any impact.

"You better not be. I mean it!" she scolded. "I'm serious! You two could get in serious trouble and how would your father react? How would his parents react?"

It was a lot easier to talk to my mom as I quickly added, "I know Mom; we both know. We're going to be good, I promise. We just got caught up after being away from each other for so long."

"I know," she said, her facial expression relaxing only slightly. "I told you to spend time with her but I never meant.. THAT!"

She paused for a moment before snapping at me, "What were you thinking, Erik!?" The irritation and concern quickly returned to her face.

"It's over, Mom!" I nearly shouted in defense. My words reverberated in my ears after I spoke them. It's over! It's over!

I stepped back and stared at my feet as I felt a lump in my throat.

It was silent for a while as she stared me down. I suddenly felt very vulnerable and every passing second felt like torture under her judgemental, critical eyes. Eventually I asked, in a low voice, "Are you going to tell Dad?"

She hesitated for a moment before shaking her head and saying, "No, of course not. When you say it's over, you better mean it's over."

"It is," I assured her.

I tested the waters and started filling my plate, testing to see if she would stop me. My chest was tight and I tried to disguise my post-crying sniffles by breathing in slowly through my nose. I put on my strongest guise but I knew it was weak.

"Erik, have you been crying?" Mom asked. I could tell right away, just from the tone of her voice, that she wasn't angry anymore and was genuinely concerned.

"No, it's nothing," I replied defensively as I ripped off some paper towels. The food had provided temporary distraction but Mom's prying had brought all the baggage with Chloe back to the forefront of my thoughts. I forced a sniffle and tried to keep up my strong facade.

"Oh, Erik, come here," Mom said, pulling me into her arms for a hug. She could tell something was wrong; she could always tell.

The emotional walls I had constructed came crashing down as she pulled me into her embrace. My eyes immediately welled with tears. I tried one last time to suppress my sadness before my unfortunate predicament overpowered my emotions and I started crying into her shoulder.

"Oh, baby, it's okay," Mom told me, hugging me tighter.

I started weeping uncontrollably in her arms as she assured me, over and over again, that everything would be okay. I towered over my mother and probably looked pathetic crying into her shoulder. I felt like a little boy. It felt like when Mom would ease my sorrow after I would skin my knee or twist my ankle on the basketball court.

"I'm sorry, Mom," I sobbed. "I can't help it. I.. I.." I knew the words: I love her. But I couldn't say them. How could I say something like that to my mother about Chloe? She certainly would have known that I didn't just mean normal, brother-sister love. I felt trapped, being comforted by the one person that I could always trust to help and support me but that could never help me with this.

"Shh, it's okay. You're so young, Erik. Shh," she said, patting me on the back. She knew, I thought. She knew these weren't guilt ridden tears but were tears of profound loss. She couldn't change anything but I was at least comforted by the knowledge that she understood my sorrow.

Eventually I pulled away and wiped the tears off my cheeks. Mom gave me a warm smile and said she loved me. I smiled back and said I loved her too. It felt good to share this with her, to share this with someone other than Chloe.

We finally got around to eating dinner. I ate upstairs, alone in my room. It felt like my heart had exploded in my chest but was starting to heal. I started to feel like things would be okay.

****

The rest of Christmas break played out with much less drama. Chloe and I still spent a great deal of time together but our relationship became purely platonic. I continued to insist that we sleep in separate beds after our frequent movie marathons but sometimes she would sneak into my bedroom and cuddle against me. That behaviour eventually slowed down until it stopped completely. Chloe was moving on, and so was I. It was hard, at first, but we both understood that the consequences for that kind of relationship were far too harsh for it to continue. Still, we seemed as close as ever, spending most evenings we could holding hands and being near each other. The conversation with Mom really helped me unravel and my relationship with Chloe started to feel like it used to, before the events of last weekend. My thoughts weren't completely occupied with Chloe anymore and I spent more time doing normal things, like playing video games and listening to music.

Anna continued to text and flirt with me but I creatively dodged her each time. The three of us went to the movies a few times but I always positioned myself so Chloe was between us.

My conversations with Samantha also continued. She wanted more details about what had happened, and with Chloe's permission, I explained them to her and what I had done to Nathan as a result. She never ridiculed me or blamed me for hitting Nathan and told me I was a good brother. We were never close friends in high school, but our conversations sparked a friendship.

One good thing that came from my time with Chloe was that Chloe no longer showed signs of depression. As we spent more time together, she seemed to need me less and less.

I worked at a local restaurant for the last few weeks of Christmas break, mostly scrubbing dishes and cleaning floors, to earn some spending money for the next semester. In the beginning, it helped clear my head and unwind, but as basketball reared its ugly head, ugly to me at least, I had to quit and found my time split between driving to campus and spending time with Chloe. I secretly hoped we wouldn't make playoffs this season but I gave each game my all. It was time consuming, driving back and forth, but I always came back to Chloe.