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  • The Knowing Ch. 05

The Knowing Ch. 05

12

JAAN

Then

She held onto him underneath the covers. The remote in one hand, his dick in the other, as she flipped through the channels, looking for something to watch on TV.

"Have you got any DVDs around?" she asked turning to look at him a piece of hair crossing her face, she was wearing his hoodie and had haphazardly thrown the hood up on her head pushing most of her hair onto her face. Jaan reached up and moved the hair off her face and shook his head no.

She did this often. When they were sitting on the couch, or in his bed watching a movie. Or before they drifted to sleep in her bed. She would reach out and hold his dick. It wasn't possessive, or demanding, it was almost like (Jaan laughed when he thought about it) she was holding his hand, albeit that hand was a dick. The first time she had done it, he thought she wanted sex, this was a way she initiated sex, by putting her hand in his lap. Instead she shook her head no and jerked him off, he came underneath the blanket that had been covering them and she cleaned him off with a napkin by her bedside before falling asleep. The second time she did it he tried to ignore it, but then they ended up fucking on his floor, finishing up 2 minutes before Jeopardy started (he was obsessed with it). After that, he had gotten used to the idea of her just, well, having her hand there. Now she held his dick in her hand absently, playing with it lightly, or just having her palm there, Jaan getting hard and going soft intermittently under her touch.

Jaan looked at her, "There isn't anything on TV, there is never anything on TV" she said, he starred at the side of her face intently.

Once he had asked her why she did this strange, weirdly odd thing. She immediately got shy.

"You don't like it?" They had been on a playground laying on the roundabout sometime near sunset.

He propped himself on his elbow and looked down at her face, "No I like it a lot, I just think it's weird." She reached down again and touched his limp dick, they had already fucked twice for the day.

"I just like the feel of it, I dunno," she laughed her face still skyward, Jaan watched the sunset over her, their bodies cast in a yellow red light. "Also then we are like this close," she put her thumb and her pointer finger together and raised it in the air toward his face, "We are this close, you can't move without me." It had been the spring of their Junior Year.

She squeezed him softly and stroked him, "I dunno, there is never anything on." She turned to look at him, catching his intent gaze. "What?"

He was getting hard now, and she felt it, tightening her grip and moving up and down. Jaan pushed some more hair off her face and stared into her eyes.

He loved her. He'd only said it two times before, but wasn't sure if she'd heard him or remembered. He was waiting for the right time to say it again. The moment to say the thing, he wasn't quite sure how she'd take it. But sometimes he felt so far away from her. Even when she held his dick like she did, or she spent the afternoons at his house. He could feel her purposefully, putting emotional distance between them.

"Did you finish your math homework?" he shifted his hips toward her slightly so her hand had a better position on his dick. She looked away from him, her grip on him easing slowly as she bit her bottom lip.

"Did you?" he asked again.

Jaan had been helping her with math for nearly a year. It started last spring, when he had been wandering aimlessly through the hallways and seen her in math class. He had peered in nosily through the glass in the door, and seen her on the other side of the classroom, her hand on her face, eyes glazed over staring at the board. On her lap underneath the desk he could clearly see a book that probably wasn't math. It was obvious she was struggling. He peered through the door a few moments longer, watching as the teacher handed out worksheets and she stared at hers, sticking out her tongue and biting down on it. It looked like she had tears in her eyes.

Later on that night, when he had climbed through her bedroom window, he undressed her carefully, delicately almost, which she took keen notice of.

"What are you doing?" she asked as he held her hair gingerly in his hands and peeled her t-shirt off of her body.

She wasn't use to this. They had recently gotten into some very rough sex, which included her squeezing his neck during climax and him spanking her pretty hard (after one afternoon she couldn't sit properly for days, she hated to admit that she enjoyed it more than she expected). So she wasn't used to him kissing her softly and slowly undressing her. But she was tired that day. She hated feeling stupid.

"I'm taking off your shirt" he said, and then ran his hands over her bare skin, lingering on her sides and pressing her back into his erection before he took her pants off and stood her completely naked in front of him in her room. He sat on the edge of her bed and they starred at each other through the darkness.

She let him look at her, which was one of Jaan's favorite things about her. She never hid her body from him. He kissed her stomach sliding his tongue into her belly button as he dragged his hands toward her vagina. She leaned into him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. He dipped his mouth upward and latched onto her nipple, sucking her breast and pulling her down towards his lap. She sat on him, and Jaan held her in his arms, one arm behind her back the other rubbing her clit slowly.

"You're my baby," he said. She laughed.

"Jaan I think the baby stuff is weird" She was opening her legs to him as she said it though, her eyes closed.

"But you like it when I baby you." He kissed her lips and continued to rub at her increasingly wet clit. She didn't say anything. "You like it baby when your clit is wet." Jaan kissed her forehead and she giggled lightly.

"Please stop Jaan" She said, but she was nearly out of breath. She was opening her legs wider to his hands, letting them apply light pressure to her clit, her hips moving upwards.

He moved into her face, his breath falling over her, "You want daddy's big cock don't you?" she nodded, suddenly shy, but deciding to go with it.

"I do."

Jaan stopped touching her. "Get on the ground." He commanded. This wasn't new. It was strange the way their play escalated sometimes. From sweet, to menacing, to strange. "On all fours" Jaan commanded and she did as she was told her ass facing him. Jaan was still fully clothed but he was hard, his dick straining against his jeans. Just watching her get down on the ground and turn her ass towards him on all fours was too much. He had been in her room no more than 15 minutes and wasn't sure how long he'd last.

He pulled his dick out from his pants, slid toward her slowly. Rubbing the head of his dick on her anus and clit. In the future when Santos remembered this night she would recall the way he slapped her ass, how good it felt. She would remember how relentless he was at making sure she came. Slapping her harder and harder, rubbing her clit and telling her to cum for daddy over and over again. She would remember the way his hands felt gripping into her waist. The warmness that climbed into her body and stayed. They way he leaned over her and kissed her back, the finger that played near her ass. The way he came all over her breast, licked some off it off and kissed her. Something she found so disgusting and so incredibly hot at the same time. And the very vague memory of him whispering, "Daddy loves you," into her mouth as he did so. What she didn't remember and what Jaan so clearly did was how he woke her up the next morning at 5 am, their bodies still sticky.

"What?" she said grumpily

"Where is your math homework?"

"Huhh" she asked.

Jaan was only in his boxers but walked toward her backpack in the early morning light and looked through it. He took out a folder, "You need to do this don't you?" he said to her. She buried her face in the pillow. "Let's do it now." He sat in her bed, her totally naked, and Jaan in his boxers, and helped her with her homework. He sat, whispering, explaining concept after concept to her. She whined, cried a little bit. But after an hour, she understood a little bit more. At 6 am Jaan got dressed, she watched him, still naked underneath the sheets, falling back asleep.

"I'll come back tonight, or we can do it again in the morning." He said buttoning up his pants. She yawned at him and nodded her head.

"Come tonight." Her eyes were closing as she sunk deeper into the bed.

"Santos you have to catch the bus in an 30 minutes wake up." Jaan shook her a bit, but after a moment let her go.

"Santos," he said.

"Mhmmmm?" she opened her eyes and looked at him dazedly. He leaned over and kissed her.

"I love you," he said, but her eyes were totally closed. Jaan felt relieved as he slipped out of her window, unsure what had come over him in the moment but glad she hadn't heard him. Besides, he was probably just excited about the crazy sex, and feeling good that he had helped her with something. He wasn't even sure what he meant by love. But he had said it.

He spent the rest of the year tutoring her and trying his best to avoid any semblance of love talk- though he couldn't always help it

Now she avoided his gaze when he asked her again, "Where is your homework? Did you do it?"

She let go of his dick totally and slid down pulling the blanket over her head.

"Uhhhhh" he heard her mumble underneath the covers.

Jaan ripped the covers off her head and looked at her, "What?"

"I don't want to do it."

"You don't want to do it?" Jaan repeated her words and starred at her, "What does that mean?"

"It means I don't want to do it." She sat up and crossed her arms over her chest moving away from him slightly.

"Yea, but it's not about what you want to do, it's about what you have to do. Go and get it lets work on it a bit."

"Jaan, I don't want to."

Jaan laughed at her, "So what are you going to do? Fail? We got through it last year. Go get it, come on, we'll do 30 minutes."

Jaan pulled the hood of her head and ran his hand through her locs, pulling them out of the hoodie. He leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead, sliding his hand from her hair to her chest, squeezing her breast lightly. "Come on, lets do some homework so we can do other things." He kissed her softly lingering on her lips and licking them. He pressed his mouth to hers again and deepened the kiss, wrapping his hands through hair and pulling her head back. He kissed her neck and sucked below her ear lightly. "Maatthhhhh," he whispered into her ear exaggeratedly. She laughed and pulled her head back to look at him.

"Jaan?"

"Yes?" he kissed her lips again lightly and looked at her.

"What's going on with you and Katey Cerra?"

SANTOS

Then

If Santos had known that their Senior Year would be the beginning of the end, she might've savored those last unguarded moments with Jaan more. But she didn't know. What she did know was that suddenly, around school, she was seeing Jaan a lot more with Katey Cerra.

This wasn't a problem within itself. It wasn't that Katey Cerra was beautiful, unarguably, the most beautiful girl at school. It wasn't that Santos was becoming increasingly aware that girls like her had no business being so intimate with boys like Jaan. It wasn't that she was suddenly aware in a manner that scared her that she might feel more strongly about Jaan then she had originally thought possible, and that this sometimes made her shrink away from his touches and caresses. It was that, well, she kind of wanted to go public.

Jaan had asked her on more than one occasion exactly what they were. The first time, was toward the end of the summer when they first started sleeping together. They had spent the day at the river near the cave, running around, swimming, and having sex in the cool darkness of the cave.

After the second time that Jaan came she lay on top of him, his soft condom covered dick still inside of her, his hands on her smooth ass while her head lay on his chest. His hair was wet, and he palmed her ass possessively while he kissed her shoulders.

"What are we going to tell people when school starts?" he said quietly. School was starting in a week, and while they had both decided to keep things quiet and not tell Sanchez what was going on, he figured once school started things might change.

"What are we going to tell people about what?" She said quietly her breath brushing against his shoulder.

"Us."

"We don't have to say anything. Its kind of fun like this, don't you think?"

Jaan nodded though she couldn't see him. "Ok, so we keep it a secret?"

She sighed, "Yea, I like secrets."

She was right. The secret was fun. The sly looks in the hallway. Sneaking into her room at night. Their clandestine meetings in bathrooms, empty classrooms and storage closets heightened their feelings for each other. But there were times, things Santos wasn't always aware of, when Jaan wanted more. He wanted to do more than just look at her in the hallway. He wanted to take her places, do things with her and maybe, hold her hand in front of his friends.

The second time he asked her she had been in the library at school, reading a book and avoiding the cafeteria. He slid into the seat next to her, and she looked around to make sure no one saw them together.

"What are you doing here?" she hissed.

"Do you want a boyfriend?"

"What?" she looked at him like he was crazy.

"Do you want a boyfriend?"

"Why are you asking me this?"

"Am I your boyfriend?" he asked her.

"Are you high Jaan?" She looked around

"What's going on with you and that kid?"

"What kid?" she asked

"That boy. I see you with that boy all the time now."

He was talking about David. David Otebenga had been her friend since middle school. Things were always weird with them. Usually they were friends, but they had tried to hook up once during their sophomore year and David freaked out. They were friends again now, and in school they spent a lot of time talking about manga and making jokes.

"What is wrong with you?"

Jaan looked a bit frantic. He starred at her his eyes wide and his grip on her chair tight, his knuckles turning white.

"Am I your boyfriend?" he asked again

"No Jaan." She said so assuredly. He exhaled a long stormy breath.

"So if I fuck someone else you won't get mad?" he said, she pushed her chair back and looked at him.

"Jaan what is going on?"

"Will you get mad?"

"Jaan," she exhaled and looked at him steadily. She liked having sex with Jaan, and spending time with him. She looked forward to him coming into her room at night. He was funny, he made her laugh, he helped her with her homework. But she couldn't tie herself to the idea of being with someone the way she saw other relationships in school. She wanted Jaan to do what he wanted. She wasn't excited about him sleeping with someone else, but she also didn't want to stop him. But there was still that feeling she felt for him that was indescribable. The tug in her chest she could never quite explain.

"Jaan, you can do what you want."

He looked at her blankly, before a slightly pained expression crossed his face. "Ok." He said plainly.

She nodded her head at him. He stood up and looked at her weirdly and then walked away. She didn't see him for 3 weeks after that. She barely saw him in the hallways at school and he didn't visit her room at night.

Finally on a cold night in late spring she felt him slip into her bed, his cold hands circling her waist. He pressed his body into her, nudging his cold face into her neck. He kissed her neck lightly and hugged her tight.

"I missed you baby." He blew his breath onto her chest.

"No one told you not to come." She said to him. She knew right away that something that had happened. That he felt guilty. He was there to atone.

He was silent, he rubbed into her, his erection growing, as he rocked into her back and forth. She wrapped her legs around him, his face still buried into her neck.

"What did you do?"

"A bunch of shit." He said. She ran her hand through his hair, letting her fingers tangle in his unkempt ponytail. She took out the rubber band that held his hair back and continued to run a hand through it.

"Do I want to know?" she asked.

"No." he said.

"But you slept with other people?"

He looked up at her. Santos was surprised to see even in the darkness of her room, that Jaan was crying. The wetness of his eyelashes was shiny and he looked at her pleadingly.

"Yes." He kissed her collarbone lightly, running his teeth against the bone there.

She closed her eyes and breathed. What could she do? She hadn't said what he wanted and he had basically run into legs of some other girl, probably more than one. She couldn't say that she felt betrayed, more that she just wished Jaan had understood that she didn't want to be his girlfriend. She felt so much more beyond that with him. She didn't want to just be his girlfriend. She wanted to be more. She wished she could be one with him.

He kissed her neck and pulled her panties to the side. "But I want you." He said. "I want you." He nudged a finger inside of her. She kissed his forehead down to his lips, tasting the tears on his face. She licked them slowly and then kissed his lips. He replaced his fingers with his dick, breaking into her like it was the first time. Her body was strangely unused to his presence, and she was tight. She kissed his lips again sighing into his mouth. "I only want you Santos."

"Then why did you do it?" she asked.

"Because I want you to want me too." He rocked his hips into her.

"But I do Jaan, why would you think I don't?"

Jaan pumped into her tears falling from his face onto her chest, "Because you won't say it."

She kissed him fully on the mouth. He flipped her onto her back, raising himself above her moving his hips slowly. "Tell me, you never say anything."

"What do you want me to say?" she asked, she squeezed her eyes tight. As much as she wanted him, as much as she knew she needed him. She couldn't make herself say it.

There were moments with Jaan, when Santos felt that everything was bigger than the two of them. When she watched couples in school, or even adults in supermarkets and stores, she had the sense that relationships where tiny, that love was insular and circular, and that some loves couldn't encompass the feelings she always wanted to feel. From a very young age Santos knew she wasn't interested in that kind of love, a possessive love, a singular love that didn't allow the world to enter.

When things started with Jaan she never expected to feel much. Really it was the last thing on her mind. The excitement of sex, of getting to do it as often as she wanted, of having someone to experiment with, and get comfortable with, was way more exciting to her than feeling love... but then there were those moments. The ones she couldn't quite place or name, when she felt something for him that was so large and so expansive it scared her. When she looked into his eyes and wanted to be swallowed whole by him. When she wanted to be every part of him. Was that love? Sometimes she felt like she was one with Jaan. Like they were in the same body, and not just when they fucked. Sometimes they might lock eyes in the hallway and she might suddenly feel it. I am you and you are me. Was that love? And if it was than why was she so reluctant to tell Jaan what he wanted to hear? Why couldn't she just say, I want you too, we are one.

Jaan pushed into her faster, quickening the pace of his hips as he listened to her silence. She kissed his ears, his cheeks, licking the tears off his face and saying nothing. She knew it, she knew Jaan was in love with her, and she knew she could never give him what he wanted, she wasn't quite sure why. She wrapped her legs tight around his body and sucked his warmth into her.

12
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