Play Date

Sumita took off her coat, pulled her heavy mass of brown curls back into a ponytail, and sat down on the park bench next to Julie, her best friend since forever. Sumita's daughter Sangita, a little ball of energy in green ninja turtle sweats, ran off toward the swing sets in search of her favorite playmate. Julie sat back soaking up the sun, keeping one eye on her son Ryan lazily swinging away.

It was a glorious Spring Sunday, the first sunny weekend after an especially long, cold, gray, rainy Seattle winter. The cherry blossoms had emerged during the week, just as eager for the sun as the people, and little snowdrifts of pale pink petals accumulated along the edges of the paved walkways.

"Soooo," Sumita said to Julie, "first Saturday all to yourself now that you finally worked out Ryan's custody with Frank. How was it?"

"I'm just glad my deadbeat ex-husband is taking an interest in his son again," Julie replied with a sigh. "They had a good time together. Frank took Ryan to his first Mariners game."

"Nice," Sumita said, "but what about you? What did you do?"

Julie stood. "Not so high," she called out to her son on the swing set.

"But Mooooooom," Ryan shouted back, "Sangita's allowed to go higher."

"Sangita is older than you are," Julie said firmly, "and I'm not her mom. But I am yours, so keep it low."

Ryan gave his mother a rebellious look, but he obeyed. He knew better than to cross his mother. Sumita laughed softly at the exchange. Sangita had gone through the same phase a few years before and she'd gotten through it. Sangita stalled her own swing next to Ryan into a more appropriate arc.

"You were saying," Sumita reminded Julie.

"Oh, you know," Julie said. "Nothing much. Just a nice relaxing bath yesterday afternoon, curling up with a good book afterward."

"That was all?" Sumita asked.

"Pretty much," Julie replied.

There was something more hiding behind Julie's innocent smile, but Sumita didn't press it. Julie would open up when she was ready. She could never keep a secret from Sumita for long.

The two women sat in companionable silence for a while, watching their children playing. The kids had known each other since Ryan was a baby, and Sunday play dates (and the ice cream afterwards) were the highlight of the week for both mothers and children. Sangita was a surrogate big sister for Ryan, pushing him on the swings and pulling him up the jungle gym.

The swings got boring after a while, so they shifted to a structure that looked like a giant spider web inside the frame of a space ship. When a high pitched squeal came from the climbing mesh, both women jumped up as one and dashed over. Ryan had pinched a finger, and he was bawling. Julie scooped him up into her arms to comfort him.

"I'm sorry, Mommy," Sangita said, her voice trembling. "Ryan just slipped. I didn't mean for anything bad to happen."

"It's alright, Gita," Sumita said to her daughter. "It was an accident; nobody's fault."

Sumita was happy that Sangita looked out for the smaller children around her, especially Ryan, but worried a little about her getting upset at things she couldn't control. That was a problem for another day, though. Ryan's hurt finger was magically better after a kiss from his mother, and both children were soon happy and climbing again.

"How's work?" Sumita asked when they sat back down on their park bench.

"Same old, same old," Julie replied. "We ship in a few months, so we're locked down until then. I fixed two bugs last week, and that was all I did. Maybe an hour of coding, total, and then the rest of the week convincing everyone to take the fixes. It was absolutely insane. I had to go to shiproom and explain a stupid one line null check to the division VP."

"Seriously?" Sumita asked. "They're fussing over a null check? There are things I miss about that place, but every time I talk to you, I'm really glad I decided to leave."

"They're super-paranoid this release because of what happened last time," Julie replied with a shrug. "They'd rather leave in known bugs than risk opening a security hole right before shipping. And I don't blame them, even if it is a pain in the ass."

Julie was still for a while, watching the kids go up the jungle gym and letting the frustrations of the week drain out of her. "I do still like my job, Sumi," she said. "Most of the time, anyway. I just bitch to you about the annoying stuff."

"Bitch to me anytime you want," Sumita said. "I kind of like hearing about it. It gets a little lonely at home all by myself with Sangita in school all day."

"How's the book coming?" Julie asked.

"Pretty well," Sumita replied. "This one's more fun, since I'm writing for real programmers instead of corporate IT drones, but it's also more challenging, and Sandy has me on a tight deadline."

Sumita stood, gave Sangita a stern look, and sat back down. Sangita glared back, but she refrained from sliding down the fireman's pole. Ryan would have tried to follow her, and he wasn't coordinated enough to do that safely.

"I almost forgot," Sumita said, "the compiler team at the company agreed to give me source code access and a week of their time, so I'll be on campus the week after next."

"Cool!" Julie said. "We should have lunch. I'm sure Bhavesh and some of the other guys will come too."

"Great," Sumita replied. "I'm having lunch with the compiler guys on Monday, but I'm free the rest of the week."

Ryan wandered back to the park bench, dragging Sangita by the hand.

"I'm hungry, Mommy," he said. "Can we have our snacks now?"

"Go wash your hands first," Sumita and Julie replied in unison.

The kids disappeared into the restrooms. Sangita came out first, wiping her wet hands on her already muddy sweatpants, and Ryan came out a minute later doing the same thing. Sumita and Julie shared a knowing look and a giggle, and Julie pulled out a clean towel to dry Ryan's hands.

A bag of peanuts, two granola bars, and two juice boxes later the kids were back to the playground, this time on the merry-go-round. Sangita and Ryan each grabbed one side, ran as fast as they could to get it spinning, and then jumped on. Squeals of excitement followed.

With the children occupied and happy, Sumita's attention drifted back to Julie and the beginning of their conversation. Julie had gotten her hair cut a few weeks before - her practical, boring mom hair was gone, replaced by a short, spiky pixie cut. Sumita thought it looked great.

Half of Julie's attention was on the children, and the other half was focused inward. Sumita could see that Julie had something to tell her, and she knew her friend well enough to just wait for her to get it out.

"I met someone," Julie finally said, visibly relaxing after the admission.

"Oh, really?" Sumita replied. "Good for you, Jules. Tell me everything."

"Do you remember that tester, Brianna Markis, who used to work on the third floor?" Julie asked.

"You mean Big Brianna?" Sumita replied, "With the ... and the ..." filling the pauses with gestures indicating big biceps and big breasts.

"Yup," Julie replied. "I went out to a bar last night, and I ran into her."

"So, did she introduce you to an interesting guy?" Sumita asked, already suspicious of the answer. The rumor around the office had always been that Big Brianna was gay, and Sumita had no trouble believing it.

"Not exactly," Julie replied with a mischievous smile.

Sumita just looked at Julie, eyebrow raised, and waited for her to continue.

"Well, I felt like going out for a drink," Julie said. "I hadn't done anything like that, just me, since . . . since before Ryan was born. I wanted to go somewhere I could be myself and not have to worry about sleazy guys hitting on me, so I got on the bus downtown and walked up the hill to Wildrose."

"Come on, Julie," Sumita said. "You didn't go all the way into the city just because you didn't want men to hit on you. There are plenty of places on the east side for a quiet drink by yourself."

"I know," Julie replied, "but Cap Hill is exciting. There was an energy in the air that made me feel a little less like a boring thirty-something single mom from the suburbs."

Sumita's glare intensified. "Jules," she said, "you are a thirty-something single mom from the suburbs, even though I don't think you're boring. Besides, you didn't just go to Cap Hill; you went to the oldest women's bar in the city. There had to be more to it than just avoiding men."

"Yeah," Julie said. "I guess there was. I just . . . After Frank, I got to thinking about what I want from my life. I have a job I like and a son I adore, and that's more than enough, but maybe there's something more out there for me. I don't miss Frank . . ."

Julie's hands balled into fists, and she had to stop speaking. Even a year and a half later, the anger still bubbled up sometimes.

"I don't miss him," she said, spitting out the last word with venom, "but I miss being with someone, and I miss that nice, cozy, normal, two-parent family life. Couplehood, I guess."

"So you went to a gay bar," Sumita replied. "Strange place to go if you're looking for a potential husband."

"But don't you see, Sumi," Julie said. "I want to be with someone, but I don't think I want to be with a man. Maybe that's just my bitter, post-divorce self talking, but men don't really do anything for me. I'm not sure they ever did."

"You seemed to like Frank well enough before he cheated on you," Sumita said with barely veiled distaste for the man. "I hated him from the instant I met him, but you were smitten."

"You were right about him, okay, Sumita," Julie said. "You don't need to remind me again. You had Rajeev, this amazingly great guy, a beautiful wedding in India, and the cutest baby in the world. I just wanted what you had. Frank was sweet to me, and he wasn't a total loser like the guys I dated before him. He was my chance."

"So, what?" Sumita asked. "What are you trying to tell me?"

"I don't know," Julie said. "I just . . . I don't know."

Julie shut her mouth, and both women put on their practiced mom smiles. Sangita and Ryan had gotten involved in a game with the other kids on the playground that involved lots of running around and giggling and more than a little rolling around on the ground. Fortunately, there were no skinned knees or fat lips as yet, but Sangita's elastic ponytail holder had broken, and her hair was a wild mess. She and Ryan walked over to their mothers' park bench when the game broke up, both covered in wood chips from the playground. Sumita pulled a hair brush and another pony tail holder out of her bag when she saw them coming.

"Looks like you two were having fun," Sumita said.

"Yeah," Sangita replied with an impish smile. "Mommy, can you fix my hair?"

Sangita sat down on the bench next to her mother, and Sumita applied the brush to her daughter's silky black hair after picking out the biggest bits of debris. Sangita winced. "Mommy, not so hard," she said.

"Sorry, Gita," Sumita replied. The tension from her talk with Julie had come out in brushing her daughter's hair. She took a breath, calmed down, and started again.

When Sumita was done with Sangita's hair and Julie had brushed the worst of the dirt off Ryan's little boy blue jeans, the kids ran back off to the swing set. Both Julie and Sumita were grateful they still had the energy to play further, though Julie could tell Ryan was starting to tire.

"I'm so glad Sangita got my sister's hair instead of mine," Sumita said as she stowed the hairbrush in her bag. "It's a LOT easier to brush out, and it looks so pretty when it's not a tangled mess."

Julie laughed. "It is very pretty," she said, "but so is yours. A lot of people like curly hair, you know. Especially your husband."

Sumita gave Julie a brief, withering glare. This was about the thousandth conversation they had had about Sumita's hair.

"Tell me about last night," Sumita said.

Julie sighed, leaned back, and closed her eyes. "Last night," she finally said. "I moussed up my hair and wore my sparkly jeans - you know the ones, with the fancy back pockets - with a tight white tee shirt. Seemed appropriate for where I was going. My heart was racing as I walked up to the door. I don't know what I was expecting - some sort of magical fairy wonderland, maybe - but it was just a bar. Not quite as dark and dingy as most, but definitely a bar."

Sumita laughed.

"Every single person in the place, though, was female," Julie said. "Not one guy in sight. It was really nice. Brianna was at a table right by the front door, and she saw me and waved as soon as I walked in. I think she had started the night there with friends, but it looked like they had bailed on her. I figured, 'what the heck, somebody I know,' so I went over and sat at her table."

"And?" asked Sumita.

"She was really sweet," Julie said. "She asked me if I had maybe wandered into the wrong place by mistake. I told her no, I was where I wanted to be, out for a drink by myself, without any men around. She took a long look at me, like she was wondering if I had fallen and hit my head or something, and eventually decided she mostly believed me."

Julie paused for a while and looked toward the swings to make sure the kids were still okay. Sumita didn't say anything.

"I ordered a rum and Coke," Julie said after a while, "and Brianna and I chatted. At first it was just silly small talk, mostly about people at work, but after my second drink, I started telling her about Frank and the divorce and the rest of my sad life story."

Sumita snorted. "Jules, there's nothing sad about your life," she said. "You have a wonderful son, and you're a great mom and a great software developer. I'm sorry it didn't work out with Frank, but it's not your fault. He's the one who cheated on you, remember? With his secretary, no less."

"Yeah, well," Julie replied, "I can tell myself that all I want, but it doesn't always feel that way. Anyhow, Brianna listened patiently while I blathered to her, and eventually I ran out of things to say."

"I don't think I've ever known you to run out of things to say," Sumita teased.

"Shut up," Julie replied with a good-natured elbow. "Brianna was really nice, and I really need to get it all out of my system."

Sumita sat up straight and opened her mouth to object, but Julie cut her off. "To somebody beside you, I mean," she said. "I don't know how I would have gotten through those first six months without you."

Sumita sat back against the bench, mollified for the moment. "And then?" she asked.

"Brianna told me a little bit about herself, beyond just the work stuff," Julie said. "She's a lot more private than most people who work at the company, for obvious reasons. It's kind of hard to socialize with your coworkers when you've got this big secret about yourself, even if most people can guess at it."

"I'm sure," Sumita said.

"She's in a band," Julie said. "She plays the drums."

Sumita burst out laughing. The image of Big Brianna behind a drum kit was just too much.

"No, really," Julie said. "Brianna played a few of their tracks for me from her iPod. They're actually pretty good - the singer is a little screechy for my taste, but the musicians are all fantastic."

"If you say so," Sumita replied with a warm, barely suppressed laugh.

Another glance at the swing set reassured them both that Sangita and Ryan were not getting into trouble. Maybe another half an hour before Ryan was worn out and ready to go. Julie got quiet for a few minutes, and Sumita gave her time to think.

"She asked me to go home with her," Julie said. She was blushing, and her eyes were fixed firmly on her knees.

"And did you?" Sumita asked. "Go home with her, I mean?"

"Yeah," Julie said quietly.

"How was it?" Sumita asked, careful to keep her own feelings out of her voice.

"Oh, Sumi," Julie replied, turning to look her friend in the eye. "It was incredible. I never thought sex was all that before last night. With Frank, it was always a matter of just how much attention he had to give me before sticking it in, and then I just had to lay there until he finished, which was mercifully never more than a minute or two."

Sumita shook her head in sympathy. Julie had never been quite so blunt, but Frank's disappointing performance in the sack was not a new subject.

"With Brianna," Julie continued, "all her attention was on me, totally focused on my body. The way she made me feel wanted and special was so wonderful, and that by itself would have been more than enough."

Julie let out a dreamy sigh at the memory, and then got a wicked twinkle in her eye. "But she was very, very good," she added. "Oh, God, Sumita, she did the most amazing things to me. My head's still spinning. And then it was my turn, and I couldn't get enough. I wanted to make her feel as good as she made me feel. I wanted to sink into the softness of her body and never come out again."

Sumita sat quietly for that last bit, and a wave of guilt and fear washed over Julie's face when she came back into herself and noticed Sumita's blank expression.

"Sumita, sweetie, are you okay?" Julie asked. "Are you mad at me? Do you think I'm a horrible person for going to bed with Brianna?"

Sumita took a deep breath. "No," she said, slowly and carefully. "I'm not mad at you."

"Good," Julie replied. "Because it's been two years since I've been intimate with anything that doesn't take batteries. I think I ..."

"Julie," Sumita said firmly, "I'm not mad that you went to bed with Brianna. You deserve it, and if Brianna made you feel good, I think that's great."

"But . . .?" Julie replied. "There's a 'but' hiding there somewhere. I can tell."

Sumita took another deep breath, tried to maintain her calm. It didn't work.

"You're telling me this now?" she asked Julie, the question turning into a desperate cry. Julie looked stunned, as if Sumita had slapped her.

"We've been friends since Mrs. Miller's calculus class," Sumita said after regaining a measure of her composure, "and you never gave me more than a tiny hint."

"Oh, Sumi," Julie said, taking Sumita's hand. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Sweetie, I couldn't admit it even to myself. I never doubted that I wanted a husband and a family, and when I had that, I thought it was all I needed. It wasn't until after Frank left that I understood who I really am."

"I'm not mad; it's just . . ." Sumita said, and then looked away.

A soft rush of blood filled Sumita's ears. Her face felt hot and her eyes itched. "Things could have been . . . different," she said in a small, distant voice.

Julie just looked at Sumita, trying and failing to make sense of what Sumita had said.

"Do you remember that day in the cafeteria at work?" Sumita asked after a while. "Before I met Rajeev, when I was still looking for a husband, and everything was so complicated. I ..."

"I remember," Julie said quietly, and Sumita fell silent. "I remember it like it was yesterday. You said, 'Everything would be so much easier if I could just marry you.' My heart jumped right into my throat. It felt like you had reached inside me, right to my core, and touched a part of me I didn't even know was there. But then I told myself you were just frustrated, and you didn't really mean anything by it."

"But I did," Sumita said. "It just kind of slipped out before I even knew I was saying it. In a flash, I saw all that was really important in a partner sitting there right across the table from me. It tore me up that I couldn't have the one person I really wanted."

Julie's mouth dropped open.

"And then I thought about going to bed with you," Sumita added, blushing. "That was, well . . ."

After that, it was Julie's turn to blush. The two women sat silently facing each other for a while, Sumita's hand in Julie's lap, folded between Julie's hands. Julie finally broke the awkward silence.