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One Day at a Time

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Sometimes it feels nice to go to a party where all people are your friends and you can feel secure. Sometimes it simply feels boring. Same old.

Charlotte returned home from Italy where she had spent the last year of her life chasing her dream job. She threw this big party to see her friends again, friends from the neighborhood and ex-co-workers, ex-boyfriends and lots of best girlfriends.

Dylan wasn't sure he wanted to be there. Being a longtime friend he decided to go and hide in a corner with a double whiskey.

The party was already at its peak when Charlotte spotted Dylan.

"Hey, Dylan dear, I'm so excited to see you!"

She took his hand and led him to another crowded corner.

"You are still a heartbreaker? They are all here Dyl, do you remember...." And she started saying names and pointing to faces he vaguely remembered.

As discreetly as he could, he slipped away after a while.

Out of the door, where the breeze was strong and the cigarette smell stronger, he took a deep breath.

A honey brown head with a cute little nose outline was sitting on the pavement, in front of him, gazing somewhere distant.

"Sienna?" His deep, melting voice shook her. She half turned her head, "Dylan?" She said back in a low, suddenly restrained voice.

"It's been what? Two years."

Dylan was five years older than her and the boyfriend of her best friend's sister at the time. The one and only Dylan, who was a mystery and the secret lust of every girl back then. Sienna was the youngest at seventeen and she was allowed to hang out with the older girls only because she didn't interfere or reveal their secrets to their moms. Dylan, at twenty two then, wasn't tall or super athletic but had a reputation of the arrogant, difficult guy, the one that never ever fell for any girl. He was clever with a dark gaze, although his eyes were a deep blue. Smoking and looking past anyone, he had this air of aloofness that drove the girls crazy.

Sienna was always at a corner reading her books or browsing with her phone. Her hair then was at shoulder length, its natural dark honey color and her eyes were a muted green.

She took a glance at him as soon as she heard his voice. The deepest and coldest and warmest of voices.

He happened to look at her at the same time. A beautiful, innocent and sassy face that made him instantly feel troubled. He felt his chest ache for a second, but kept on smoking and forced himself to focus on the other girls in the room.

As much as he was the object of lust for the girls, he had less girlfriends than he could have. All of them were left brokenhearted, all of them believing they could make him love them. He wasn't cruel and he wasn't kind. All the ex-girlfriends stated that he wasn't expressive or sweet talking not even in their private moments. He didn't even kiss them as much but he was surprisingly good when the door closed. A walking male enigma.

Sienna could have been his female match. Not expressive, difficult to please. She had friends all the geeks and all the guys no one else wanted. She didn't seem to be in emotional need of a boy. Not a boyfriend yet. She was really disturbed that this Dylan guy made her turn her head and made her mentally replay his smoking and laid back manners all day.

They met three or four times again. There was always the same underlying tension, only acknowledged by them. Dylan was equally disturbed each passing time. He felt a weakness for this little girl, a weakness he hated to feel.

This crazy night, half a year later, when Sienna had had her eighteenth birthday, Dylan was bored at another yet party and spotted Sienna in a corner trying to light a cigarette.

With wide strides we went over and grabbed the cigarette smashing it in his hands and then grabbed her by the neck forcefully and dragged her out of the room. "Never try this out again! You are so young and naïve to act as a grown-up," he said in his wonderful voice.

Sienna tried to stay mad at him, "You can't possibly tell me that when you yourself...."

But he stopped her with a lowered voice, "Don't fuck up your life if someone else does."

She remained speechless. She felt a caring in his words. She was left looking right into his eyes. "Damn," he whispered and took her head with all his might in his hands and kissed her hard.

He sensed she didn't know how to handle it, having never been kissed before. He felt this ache again, tearing his chest. When she responded and kissed him back he felt this ache grow. Fuck. This was trouble. He made a mess of her hair and lost himself in the kiss. His breath was quick and short.

"Baby girl, let me take you home or I won't stop," he whispered without thinking, for the first time. She was startled with the break of the kiss. She shook her head 'no' and put her hands around his neck. "No," she said with a voice she didn't recognize.

She knew that all in her mind had always been black or white. When she kept reliving his voice, she knew she was in love way too much and that she wouldn't want anyone else. So, no. He had to go on.

This was indeed crazy but he couldn't control himself like he was proud he could always do.

He hugged her from her waist and held her tight to his side as they half walked and half ran to his place, just a couple of blocks away. He had been at the party with a girl which was now long forgotten.

He unlocked the door and, once inside, he kissed her with all the novelty of his feelings. He paused for just a moment to look at her, to find reassurance. He did. She had a serious face, a mixture of long known friend and a growing woman, a young vulnerable girl and a strong person. Again he felt that aching in his chest.

He took their clothes off before he could change his mind and let logic take control. God, she was beautiful, shy but brave. He kept talking to her, talking for the first time this way and when he wasn't whispering, he was breathing in her ear.

"Baby girl, you are mine, you know that? .... Are you sure you want this baby? Oh, stay still, I wanna feel you more.... Please don't cry.... Yeah I know, I know baby, it won't hurt soon.... Soon, sweetheart.... Stay with me please.... Oh God, you are so sweet.... Sweet Sienna...."

When they both calmed their breaths, without a single word Sienna kissed him shyly on his cheek and Dylan, well strong, coldhearted Dylan, whispered in her ear "You're mine now Sienna."

Half an hour later, he took over his new found feelings and got her up, "Com' on, I've got to take you home". Without 'baby' in his sentence. She obeyed without a word.

That Dylan was standing in front of her right now. Two years later. The Dylan she hadn't seen in a year and right after that crazy night, he had acted like nothing happened. The Dylan that she had to bear all the stories about him and his girlfriends. She never said a word or even implied anything. Their secret was perfectly kept, although she was screaming inside that he abandoned her. That Dylan, she could never know how grateful he was for her discretion, keeping all his words for herself, buried in the feelings of that night.

That Dylan.

Her hair was longer now, her face sweeter, having left the teenage sassy face behind. It still made him feel that ache inside, that unidentified feeling of uneasiness, and the urge to kiss her.

They talked quietly, in a low tone, for no apparent reason.

"How are you Sienna?"

"Some days great, some days shit."

He touched her hair, "You let it grow.... It suits you nice."

"You are not wearing jeans, Dylan! What happened?" She tried to joke, to hide her blush and nervousness.

"Grew up, baby," he trailed his voice off, the voice that made her lose her words.

He looked at her. Long. "Let's get out of here," he said decisively. He took her hand and got her up. "Come."

They were out in less than a minute. She breathed deeply to shake her awkwardness. She was less confident around him, now that she had grown up.

He lit a smoke. He threw it on the road the next minute.

He got Sienna by the waist and kissed her. "I missed you so much Sienna, I missed you baby," he said in her mouth.

Sienna trembled. She said in a really low voice "I love you Dylan," but he put his finger in her mouth, "Don't baby, don't. I don't deserve it sweetie."

"Just kidding Dylan...." She laughed and stopped their kiss. She leaned her head in his chest and closed her eyes. She was glad he couldn't look at her now. He was messing her hair as they were strolling down the road.

"So," she said in a light voice, "Can I move on?"

He immediately knew what she meant. The ache grew deeper but he chose to ignore it.

"Haven't you already.... um been with anyone else?"

She shook her head. No.

"You are mine Sienna," he repeated in his head but never said it out loud. Words he never said to any other girl. What came out was "Yes, Sienna, move on. I'm always your friend, but I cannot love you back," he said sternly. He was lying. But he wasn't aware of it himself.

They walked in silence. It was an awkward silence, one they had never experienced before.

At last, she lied about having to catch a train. He lit a cigarette and said goodnight between his teeth, before he headed down the road. No touching. No kissing.

In a couple of months her high school best friend, Cassie, informed her that she'd go to Dylan's party. "Remember Dylan, Sienna? My sister's boyfriend back in school?" Sienna nodded. "Well, he's having a somewhat private party and she said I could go and bring a friend! Do you wanna come?"

"I don't really know Cassie.... He doesn't even know me...."

"Maybe so, but I broke up with Jason and I really need someone with me between all those grown-ups.... Please, Sienna!"

So, she accepted.

On the day of the party, Sienna wore her jeans and a black short shirt. She bought him a special book, she knew he'd love it. They had talked about the author for over an hour back then.

They knocked. A gorgeous blonde answered the door and asked them who they were, with an inquiring look. Cassie said who she was and passed but the woman stopped Sienna and yelled, "Dylan, honey."

Dylan showed up. He felt the familiar sting but didn't show it. "Honey, we said this was private. A Cassie brought her but it's too much. I don't even know who Cassie is. Take care of it, will you?" and she turned her back to welcome other guests.

Sienna's heart literally broke. She handed him the present but he was cold when he said "Please, you're not invited...." Her lips made out, 'Dylan' but there was no sound. He took a breath. He had to be a man and take care of them both. "It was just a night Sienna. Stop fantasizing about it." And closed the door.

She was out of words. She was out of breath. She stood there for some moments before she turned around to leave. She leaned against the wall across the street.

Dylan saw her through the window. He felt he did what he had to do, to make her forget him. But it felt awful, not right. He wanted to dump everything and everyone and go after her, hug her and take her away. She was the only girl he ever wanted to sleep with through the whole night but he was the one to make her go.

The blonde kept calling him 'honey' and he couldn't help taking a mental note to break up with her that night. He glanced at Sienna again. She had silent tears on her face. She was holding the present, his present, on her chest tightly and had her head bent down.

He opened the door.

He rushed out without a jacket. Crossed the road in no time.

She was surprised, immersed in her pain.

"Baby, damn it, can't you see what this is doing to us?"

She looked at him. Yes, she's been crying and she was as white as could be.

He held her, passed his fingers through her hair, over her waist, her hands and her thighs.

"Baby, I can't deal with that.... I'm not myself with you around.... I'm not used to that, I hate it."

She said nothing. He looked at her again, intently.

"Come on," he said taking her arm. He called a taxi and gave the address of his old apartment. In the cab he called the blonde from his party, "Jessica, I have to leave for a couple of hours. I'll call back," and hung up. He kissed Sienna on her cheek. He smiled. He honestly smiled from his heart.

They arrived. He took her present, "I guess this is for me, sweetheart?" She nodded. She hadn't said a word since he threw her out of his party. He opened it and checked the book.

She had remembered their talk.

He turned to her.

"I don't know what to do with you, baby. I can't control myself like I'm used to. I'm not ready to deal with it yet.... But you know I'm here for you.... Don't you? Come over here baby...." and he kissed her.

He kissed her like it was the last time they were together. Sienna gave in. She had to let her first love go and tonight would be the celebration of her adulthood. The permission to move on.

He felt so terribly good. He did everything she needed and she responded just the way he would have wanted her to. He let her whisper to him "I love you Dylan" when she came for him and as much as it hurt, he inhaled it with all his heart. She tried to keep in her memory all the little words he was telling her, as he came for her. All the sweet words "Baby girl, I can't stop thinking about you" and "You can't know how good you feel."

In two hours they were back. She turned her back to him as soon as they got out of the taxi. She desperately wanted to let Dylan live in her past.

He lit a cigarette and took three or four deep breaths before he went inside to his party. No, this wasn't over. He just didn't know it yet.

Sienna was doing pretty well at her college classes. She was studying graphic design and she was spending all her hours in perfecting and researching her projects. Except for the occasional coffee or late afternoon beer with friends, she hadn't gone out for a long series of nights. She stretched her back when she finally finished her last project of the semester. She was gonna take a long, hot shower and meet some college friends in the local bar.

At Johnny's she was the last to arrive and she found a seat at the end of the bar. Everybody was a friend of someone else so she introduced herself to the one at her left "Hi, I'm Sienna, Cassie's friend."

A set of light brown eyes opened up at her. "Hello Sienna! I'm Patrick. Nice to meet you! I was getting bored here since I only know that guy over there," and he pointed to his friend, talking to a blonde woman, laughing and flirting.

Patrick turned to Sienna; let his eyes admire her face and her hair which was, by the move she made to look at the other end, covering half of it. He made the bold move to take it and tuck it lightly behind her ear while asking, "What are you having Sienna?"

Two months later, there was an exhibition of all students' works and of course Sienna and her friends were all there. Later that night, the happy teenagers and their friends went to the familiar bar to celebrate the distinction they had received.

Sienna was wearing a short flowery skirt and a plain white t shirt under a taupe, woven jacket. Patrick was touching her waist lightly and when seated touched her hair, as frequently as he could.

Since it was Saturday, Johnny's was a full house. When Sienna and her company entered, Dylan was already there, hidden in the dimly lit room, with his usual scotch in hand. The friends he came in with, were trying to make him talk.

He spotted her as soon as she entered. His eyes were on her since and on that guy's almost possessive touch of her hair. He murmured yes and no to his company but he was becoming tense with every passing moment. He drank his scotch in one sip and left the glass.

"Hey, Sienna." She was startled. His face was showing a deep burning anger and she felt like she was caught doing something inappropriate. Patrick felt really uncomfortable. Sienna tried to lift the uneasiness before it ruined their evening, "Dylan, I just had my first show! There's an exhibition going on about rising artists and our college took part. I was included!" Dylan was glad he had the scotch before. He put his hands in his pockets to restrain them from taking her arm and running out. He tried to calm down. He even glanced at Patrick. He turned to look into her eyes and after a long moment he said in his deep voice, "See you around Sienna."

His scent lingered some moments after he had left. She fell back on her chair, relieved this didn't go terribly wrong, especially in front of Patrick. Oh, Patrick. His handsome face more serious than she ever remembered it to be, in those two months they were hanging out.

"Strict brother or ex-boyfriend?" Patrick let out with a bout of courage. At her answer 'neither' he decided to feel secure, although their chemistry was more than obvious.

Sienna glanced at Patrick. "So, what happened with that strange writer you had to review yesterday?" She changed the subject and smiled warmly to him. He took what he was given; he would have taken less really. He felt he needed Sienna in his life.

Late in the afternoon, Sienna got a call from Dylan. "I'm coming by to get you for a walk in twenty minutes." This wasn't a question.

Sienna's heart was racing. She was ready in ten. She spotted Dylan walking briskly towards her, putting his cigarette off. "I thought you had quit that," she greeted him.

"Just lessen it," he answered huskily and kissed her on the cheek, extremely close to the lips. She trembled.

They walked together down the street that led to the old harbor. "See, there are some buildings here I'm supposed to redesign for new use. Look...." he explained with enthusiasm, something rarely shown from Dylan. She kept up, happy to be part of his rushing mind. He pushed her from the waist, to see all the details he was talking about. They went up the empty buildings and they took pictures of their windows and destroyed doors.

"Come work with me as a designer at the office," Dylan proposed in the middle of a casual conversation. He leaned over and kissed her tenderly.

"I haven't even got the course on architectural design yet.... Look, I want to get over you, Dylan, not get more into you...." her voice breaking at this point. "You know that.... You always emphasized that yourself," she added turning her head down.

"Is that Patrick guy your passage to moving on?" he deviated a direct answer."

"Could be.... He likes me Dylan. He really does. He talks about what I do, he goes over every detail of my projects when I call him...."

"What do you feel, Sienna?" he asked in a low voice, touching her chin to lift her eyes up.

"I feel good around him Dylan.... His drive is enough for both of us. His face is sincere, caring. He helps me enormously Dylan.... He would have never thrown me away from his party. He would call me four or ten times a day if he were my boyfriend, if he would have me even for a night. Yeah, I need him and I like him."

All her bitterness was included in her words. It was the first time she didn't feel bad if she was to hurt Dylan.

"I know you're mine, Sienna. You won't last with your Patrick," he said kissing her. She broke the kiss and took a breath. "Come with me, let's be together tonight baby girl."

"I'm gonna hate myself but no, Dylan, no! I'm almost twenty and I wanna feel like someone's girlfriend, loved. I was yours Dylan, but that was two years ago. You let me go. In fact, you threw me out of your life, remember?" She caressed his face with both of her hands. Dylan felt that familiar aching, he had long to feel, inside his chest. He was still resisting her loving ways even if it meant losing her. Losing Sienna, the beautiful girl who made him utter all those words, except the three ones that would change his life.

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