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  • Terrible Company Ch. 01

Terrible Company Ch. 01

12

/ /Author's Note: This story, Terrible Company, is sprawling sword-and-sorcery fantasy satire with a diverse cast of characters. Over its many chapters, those characters will have interactions (both with each other and others) that cross many of the lines that exist between Lit genres. I have come to believe that breaking the story into those different categories, as best I can, is the best way to expose the most readers to parts of the story they might dig, and that they might then be encouraged to read on.

Each chapter is written as a self-contained episode, and although there are running gags that continue through the series that enrich the experience, they shouldn't prevent one from starting anywhere in the series (including the final chapter) and enjoying it for what it is.

This chapter features:

Val</a>, the female Orc Warrior/Fighter

">Katsa</a>, the female Human Arcanist

Enjoy!//

The sun dominated above. Even the shadows wilted under the oppression of the day star as it reached its zenith over the fields surrounding Aedor. The cool breeze, coming down from the mountains to the north, brought small relief from the stifling heat. The worst of the long summer months were behind, but that was no balm for the adventurer. She grimaced, brushing sweat from her brow as she looked out upon the parched grasslands.

The road was empty for now, but that was how she liked it. Too many people had failed her over the years, leaving her jaded and trust in short supply. No, the Orc was a loner, through and through.

Maybe this road would be the one she'd been searching for. Maybe, at the end of this stretch of dirt where the grass refused to grow, at the end of another long, tiring walk, she would find the answers she sought. Maybe they were even the answers she needed.

Small for an Orc at a mere six foot five, she was nevertheless a vision of muscle and beauty. Her arms were as thick as braided dock rope. Her legs, even thicker, like rounded slabs. She had a hard look about her underneath her shaggy black hair. Scars adorned her toned body like badges of honor. She had the look of a woman who'd seen the very face of hell, only to claw her way back.

"Stop describing me."

She said, to no one in particular.

"You're being very over-dramatic."

"It breaks the fourth wall if you address me directly," the Narrator whined.

"There is no fourth wall," Val growled, sweeping her arms out. "There's no walls at all! We're on a dirt road between two open fields."

"It's a metaphorical wall," he said, rolling his eyes.

"I told you I'm not paying you for this."

The white-haired man smiled as he bowed. "My good woman, to have the chance to follow you and bear witness to your exploits is all I ask."

"Wasn't planning on having any exploits," she said, her features hardening.

"Adventures then?" he asked hopefully. "Perhaps a grand quest or two?"

"None of them either," Val grunted.

"Surely a woman of your stature and bearing invites a... a... a host! Yes! A veritable host of downtrodden in need of the skills you so clearly possess!"

"I tell them the same thing I told you," she said, shrugging. "No." Val came to a stop and rounded on the man. "What exactly do you get out of this again?"

"I believe this is the future of entertainment. Cutting-edge storytelling and performance art. Part Minstrel, part Bard—"

"Nope," Val interrupted, shaking her head. "Stopping you right there. No Bards. Fucking hate Bards."

The Narrator gasped. "You wound me, Madam!" he cried.

"Not yet I haven't." The old man swallowed hard as Val loomed over him. "You take one more step after me down this road, and I'll break your nose. I ever see you again, I'll break your leg. Clear?"

"As crystal," he said weakly.

Val glared at him a moment longer before turning back down the road. The old man had been a minor annoyance at best, and she mentally flogged herself for letting him get to her so easily. Her frustration had other sources. When she looked back over her shoulder, the road behind her was empty.

"Like braided rope, huh?" she mumbled to herself, twisting her bared arms and nodding thoughtfully. "I can see how that might work for some people."

***

"Three more," Val said. "They were pretty bare leads, and I didn't expect anything from them." The breeze was barely noticeable at the ground level, but it set the treetops swaying. "I'm not sure if that makes it self-fulfilling or not, but I did find someone thought they might have seen the—"

Val's attention sharpened at the sound of a twig snapping ahead of her. Despite the obvious wear on the path she hadn't seen anyone for hours; not since she scared off the old man earlier.

The sound had been distant. Outwardly, Val continued as she had before; a comfortable pace that wouldn't break any records. On the inside, though, she was a coiled spring. Nearly a full minute passed before the offending twigbreaker came into view over a little hill ahead of her. The wiry young man seemed nearly as surprised as she to encounter anyone, but the similarity in their reactions ended there. As they neared each other, the young man became increasingly nervous, going so far as to step off the path and into the low brush to put distance between them. His hand hovered over the handle of the dagger on his hip as they passed each other, and Val sighed to herself as she continued on down the road.

***

Val rounded the bend warily, smelling the thick smoke before she saw the campfire. A human, judging by the size, crouched by the flames, their face lost in the flickering shadows of a heavy hood. Val put her arms down at her sides, safely away from her weapons, and forced a warm smile.

"Evening," she called, waving. The hooded figure looked up and froze. The light dancing off their eyes was the only visible feature within the shadow. Val had wanted to wait for some sign of approval before approaching but the figure just watched her impassively. "I hadn't seen any good spots in the last couple hours to stop for the night, and I doubt I'll find one as good as this for a couple more."

The human stood, revealing a lithe, feminine shape, and she pulled back her cowl. Short, spiky blond hair surrounded a narrow face, and the set of her eyebrows gave her a look of unamused surprise. "I didn't prepare for two," the woman said, as Val got closer, "but you're welcome to stay." It took Val a moment to see that the other woman had been talking about food, and she shook her head.

"I've got my own." Val tapped the small pouch on the side of her hip as she unshouldered her pack. "You headed to Aedor?"

The blonde narrowed her eyes as she squatted down in front of her pot.

"Reason I ask is because I didn't see any fresh tracks heading my way, so I figure you're probably heading where I just came from."

"No," the woman said cautiously. "I'm headed to Jonehn, but I'm coming up from the south. That is the road to Jonehn, right?"

Val nodded knowingly. "Most maps make it look like that's an easy shortcut."

"Short nothing," the woman scowled, her lips twisting. "I think I've spent two more days taking this 'direct route' than I would have going all the way around the Southmarsh."

"I'm Val," she offered.

"Katsa," the woman replied, nodding slightly.

Val nodded again, and pulled a piece of jerked venison from her hip pouch. They sat in comfortable silence for several minutes. The constant tinkling of the stream nearby competed with the small fire and the bubbling stew, and Val tried to remember if she'd ever met a Human who'd been so casual on the first encounter. Katsa wore black fingerless gloves with blue trimming that extended to the elbow, and Val took note of the symbols embroidered along its length.

"So what's waiting for you in Jonehn?" she asked.

Again, Katsa regarded her with a wary expression. "I was hired to do a job."

Val waited for a moment to see if the blonde would offer more, but she did not. "I expect that I'm the first person you've seen in a week, course you took getting through the mountains."

Katsa nodded slowly in response.

"Well, I won't be the only one you see tonight. Passed a young man a few hours ago who's circling around with his buddies to rob us, maybe kill us, aaaand almost certainly rape us."

"How... how could you know that?"

"I've seen a few things," Val confessed. "He was young, but he'd seen combat. His hands were shakin' so bad at being a few feet from an Orc that he'd have done more damage to himself if it came to drawing, but he knew how to step through brush without lookin' at his feet. One was a conscious cover, and the other was not."

"And that means he wants to rape us?"

"Likely, he was sizing me up," she commented, shaking her head in amusement. "If he'd been feeling bold and I was a bit smaller, I think he'd have tried to take me then and there. As it is, he's probably tracking me now with four or five of his buddies." She took another bite of her venison, and smiled as she chewed.

"Come on," Katsa said, dubiously. "You can't know that."

"A group of five or six is most common," Val nodded. "Gives you overwhelming numerical superiority so the target don't fight back, but you also don't gotta split your haul a thousand ways."

"And with five or six armed men coming this way, you... sit down and have a bite to eat?"

Val gave a toothy grin and pointed. "Those runes on your gloves there mark you as an Arcanist." It wasn't a question.

"Yes," Katsa replied, her back stiffening slightly. "Why?"

Val shrugged. "That kinda thing comes in handy in a pinch." She took another bite and looked around their campsite.

***

"There," said the first bandit, pointing emphatically. "There! Didja see that mouse? It found a bit o' food and bam, out of nowhere, hawk just flew down like a lightning bolt and carried the silly bugger off. That's what you call irony that is."

"Nah, mate," said the other one. "That hawk couldn't carry no mouse made of metal."

"Iro-knee, you twit. It's like a coincidence." The first bandit slowly withdrew his sword as they crept along.

The other one, sword already in hand, stepped up to a large tree trunk, and peaked around the side of it. "A what?"

"Gods you're dumb," the first one scoffed, shaking his head in wonder. "You could move to a troll town and still be the village idiot."

"I never heard of no trolls livin' in villages."

The first bandit cuffed the second on the back of the head. "That's not the point!" The second bandit grimaced and nodded forward, and then continued on through the underbrush. "Look, a coincidence is like... your best mate skippin' town just before your birthday. So it's like yay, it's my birthday, but also bad. You see?"

"Now I'm lost."

"That's their campfire right there," said the first bandit incredulously. They stopped and stared at each other quizzically for a moment. "Anyway, like, you want a loaf of bread but you don't have any money. Then you find a bit o' copper only to find out the baker is giving the bread away. That there is irony."

"Why is 'e giving bread away? Is something wrong with it?"

"I don't know," the first bandit said, getting irritated. "They're samples or something. Look, it don't matter why e's giving away bread. It's ironic that you find the money and you didn't even need it."

The second bandit looked thoughtful for a moment. "I ain't never seen a baker give no bread away before. Once had a baker try an' sell me maggoty bread. Said it was some kinda 'forrin delicacy'."

"Some people are stupid enough to think they can get away with anything."

"Right. Good point!" The second one waved his hand, and both bandits dropped down to one knee. Ahead of them, a small fire had burned itself down to embers. "Smitty said one Orc, but I'm seein' two mounds," he whispered, as they peeked around at the only good camping spot for miles.

"It's prolly the other one from earlier. You ain't man enough to take on one woman by y'self?"

"Good point," said the second bandit, nodding.

"I gotta teach you another word for yes."

"Why would I need two ways to say the same thing?"

"Makes you sound smarter."

"Oh good point," the second bandit said, nodding. Then he added, thoughtfully, "I reckon' I'd take the copper and buy some ale to go with that bread."

"You shoulda' saved those coppers and found another line of work," came a woman's voice right behind them. The first bandit gasped as a bloody swordpoint emerged from his chest. The second bandit turned, but his cry was muffled when he felt the knife blade against his throat. "Which one of us were you after?"

"Y-y-you got us all wrong, lady! We-we're just lookin' for a good time! A bit of slap and tickle!"

"Oh, it's like that then?" The woman shifted in the dark, revealing dark green skin and a menacing smile.

"Yeah," the second bandit swallowed, mindful of the blade. His voice gained a bit of strength as he watched the shadows shift over her shoulder. "Me and the other four thought you might be so kind as to 'and over all your goods. We promise we'll be gentle."

"But what if I like it rough?"

"I think we can acc-uh.. accommmuh... do that."

The Orc grinned viciously as she drove her knee up into his groin, and the second bandit crumpled to the ground with a whimper. He heard Smitty leap out from behind a tree just as the Orc turned.

Smitty's twin blades sang as they whirled through the air. The Orc backed up, putting a bit of space between herself and the awesome display of swordsmanship, and sighed. She flipped the dagger in her hand so she was holding the blade between her fingertips and hurled it. Smitty dropped unceremoniously, the dagger buried to the hilt in his neck. The second bandit rolled onto his back, face purple with strain, just as a huge explosion went off a good bit away from the carnage in front of him. One of their archers screamed in pain.

An arrow embedded hard into a tree branch above him with a thunk, followed shortly by a curse from someone he hadn't seen until now. A woman jumped from one side of the tree to the other and let loose another fireball, even bigger than the first one. The roar of the second explosion nearly masked the sound of steel on steel, and the last bandit falling to the ground with a wet gurgle.

The second bandit groaned as the Orc knelt over him, wearing that same vicious grin. "Just make it quick, will ya?" he wheezed.

"I always do," she whispered, as she drove one of Smitty's swords into his heart.

***

"I um..." Katsa fidgeted, shrugging her shoulders within her cowl. She and Val stood on the far side of the stream now. They'd had to relocate all their belongings away from the now-raging brush fire. "I might have miscalculated slightly."

"Casualties of war," Val shrugged. "Nothing you can do about that." A minute passed in relative quiet, aside from the roaring flames, before the shorter woman gasped.

"Oh my Gods," Katsa mumbled, touching her nose lightly. "Oh my Gods, that arrow was an inch from my face!"

Val smirked. "It's funny how you push that stuff back in the moment, and survival instincts kick in."

"Oh my Gods," Katsa repeated, hands shaking. "I could have died."

"That your first big brush with death?"

"Not exactly," Katsa quavered, her eyes distant and wide. "Holy shit."

"I know that look pretty well." The Orc grinned as she glanced sideways at the shorter blonde. "Feels good to be alive, huh?" Both of them took a step back as a nearby tree cracked and shattered. "I uh," she said with a smirk. "I've got a little ritual after a day like this. If you want to join me?"

"What is it?" Katsa asked warily.

Val tugged at the drawstring of her pack, and pulled out a green bottle, wider than it was tall. "Souvet." Katsa nodded hesitantly, and Val dug deeper, coming back up a few seconds later with two cups of unequal size. "Bought this off some gnomes."

"Why do I get the small cup," Katsa complained, as Val poured some for both.

"You ever had souvet before?" Katsa shook her head, and Val continued. "'s a bit mild for my tastes when gnomes make it. Doesn't have that bite to it." Katsa gave the cup a curious sniff and frowned. Val held up her cup and waited for Katsa to match her. "Still standing!"

"Still standing," Katsa repeated, and they drained their cups together. The mage's eyes bulged as she fell into a fit of coughing, holding her chest through pained gasps of air. Val laughed. "That's mild?!"

"Compared to how Orcs make it?" Val said, still chuckling. "Have another. The second one smoothes it out." Katsa nodded, still coughing, and held out her tiny cup. Val poured herself one, drank that while she poured one for Katsa, and then poured herself a third. "Bottom's up!"

"Still standing," Katsa wheezed. She squinted hard as she raised the cup to her lips again. "Uhhgh," she said as she swallowed. "That is..."

"Better than okay," Val finished.

Katsa shook her head vigorously from side to side. "Second one was better," she said after a moment of introspection, and held out her cup again.

"Slow down, killer," Val chuckled. The shorter woman recoiled slightly. "I'm easily double your size."

"You are... big..." Katsa trailed off, blinking curiously. "I think it's working."

Val poured herself another cup full and drank half of it at once.

"I could put that out yanno," she drawled, gesturing with her cup at the forest fire burning not-so-very-far away. "With magic." The Arcanist wiggled her fingers in the air, grinning. "Make the stream go Woooosh!"

"So why don't you?"

"I'm not ready yet," she demanded. "Why are you rushing me?"

"Oh yeah," Val laughed, as she filled both of their cups again.. "It's working."

"There's a lot of perper... Perper?!" Katsa giggled and shook her head. "Preparation! There's a lot of preparation involved a lot of people don't know that," the Arcanist mumbled in indignation.

"Still standing," Val shouted, as she slugged back another cup.

"Sill sandan," Katsa slurred. She emptied her cup, and held it out for a refill. The two of them leaned back against a tipped-over tree trunk and watched the fire roar. The bottle ran closer and closer toward empty. "You really are big," she said, looking the Orc up and down as if for the first time.

"So you've said."

"So..."

Val turned and raised her eyebrows while she waited for Katsa to finish.

"Is it true what they say?"

"Is what true?"

"You know," Katsa giggled. "About Orc women." When that failed to elicit a response from the big Orc, Katsa extended her index finger and wiggled it in the air. "You know."

"Oh." Val smirked, as she emptied the last of the bottle into her cup. "People say all kinds of crazy things."

"They do!" Katsa agreed, emphatically.

"Yanno, I've always found that when I wanna know something real bad, I've gotta go look for myself."

Katsa blinked and nodded slowly, finding no flaw in the logic. Val raised her arms up behind her on the trunk, and spread her legs slightly as the human nervously crouched down in front of her. Katsa could hardly believe herself as she crawled between the powerful legs, but curiosity had once again had her in its grips. She'd always been powerless against her quest for knowledge, and this particular mystery proved no different. Unlacing Val's breaches took slightly longer, but not nearly as long as she'd thought given how drunk she was.

12
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