Damned Goats

It was only spring but it had been a very hot and humid day. What I really wanted to do after getting home from work was to go for a swim. But it was spring. The council rules said that the local swimming pool opened for the summer season. A heat wave during spring didn't count. Rules are rules. And bureaucrats are idiots, but the pool stayed closed.

I was sulking around the place after dinner when a friend dropped over. Marie was also hot and sticky and desirous of a nice cool dip in some water. She also had an idea.

"Why don't we cut across the park to the river and have a dip in that old swimming hole," she suggested.

"For one reason, the council have posted no swimming signs," I groused.

"That's only to force people to use the pool and the pool isn't open. They're not going to enforce the rule right now."

Marie had a point there.

"Um, what about the riff-raff that usually hang out there?" I asked.

"Both the riff and the raff are rather young. They're there after school. At this time of the evening they'll be at home watching TV."

I conceded that Marie might have the right idea. It may not be a very good idea, but in this weather it was the right one. We slipped on our bikinis and headed out.

OK, so it seemed to have turned into a very good idea. There was no-one around and the water was cool and refreshing. Marie, being Marie, had to push it a little.

"Skinny dipping?" I nearly shrieked at her. "Are you crazy? We're out in public. What if someone comes along?"

"What if they do? It's nearly dark. All they'll see is a couple of girls in the water. They won't know we're deliciously naked."

"Ha. And what if they decide to hang around?"

"We out-wait them," said Marie quite coolly. "Besides which, we'll probably spot anyone coming in the twilight and as soon as it's dark anyone who comes won't even see us."

The whole idea was absurd and how I let myself be talked into it was beyond me. We finished up swimming naked, our bikinis neatly piled on top of our dresses. Marie was correct about the twilight. It was getting dark quite quickly now and any passers-by probably wouldn't even notice us.

That's what I thought until I thought I spotted movement on the bank near where we left our clothes.

"Ah, Marie," I said softly, not wanting to make our presence known. "I think there's someone at our clothes."

"Get the hell away from our things," bellowed Marie, apparently not quite so worried about being caught skinny-dipping. "If I have to come over there you'll catch it."

I couldn't help but think that if a naked Marie suddenly appeared on the path yelling and cursing, she just might catch something, something along the lines of arrest for indecent exposure.

Mind you, she did get a prompt answer. There was a loud "Maaaa" from the bank and Marie burst out laughing.

"It's just one of those feral goats that the Council is promising to round up," she said. "They're harmless. We'll just go and shoo them away."

She swam over to the bank with me close behind. Then she was clambering up the bank onto the path, clapping her hands and going, "Haaa! Haaa!" Then she was screaming and running back into the water with a bloody great, smelly, billy goat charging at her. Just to show I don't always follow Marie I led the way into the water. With some haste I might add.

"Plan B," Marie muttered. "We'll just wait until the goats go away."

We continued sporting about in the pool. As long as the goats didn't decide to join us we were quite happy. It wasn't all that long before we heard them moving off. It was also nearly full dark.

"About time we headed homeward," I said, heading towards the bank.

I strolled over to where we'd left our clothes and they weren't there.

"Ah, Marie, I think we have a problem," I said.

She joined me looking around for our clothes. Our sandals were there but that was it.

"Those damn goats," growled Marie. "They've dragged our clothes into the bushes. We'll have to feel around and see if we can find them."

"Don't bother," I said sadly, holding up half a bikini top. "They didn't take them so much as they ate them."

There was a short interval at this point while Marie expressed her opinion of goats, Councils that didn't get rid of them and bureaucrats who closed public pools during a heatwave because that was what the rulebook said.

"Now that you've had your say," I said after her little tirade was finished, "what are we going to do?"

"Go home, of course, but I think we might wait until it's darker. We've at least got our sandals. We can cross the park walking on the grass. That way, no-one will hear us, but if anyone is on the paths we'll hear them and can hide."

"And after we've crossed the park?" I asked. "It's still two blocks to my house."

"We'll sneak down the street. If we see anyone coming we can hide behind any handy fences or bushes. We'll be right."

"We'd better be. If it looks as though we're going to be caught I'm going to throw you to them as a sacrifice while I run like the clappers."

While we were waiting for it to get darker we fished around in the nearby bushes hopefully. I found a nice long stick which I decided to keep.

"What's with the stick?" Marie wanted to know.

"Self-defence if we need it. Man or goat will cop it if they come near me. And I can use it to hit you when we get home for getting me into this mess."

Marie laughed and fished around for her own stick. We abruptly stopped looking for sticks and clothes when a stick Marie reached for wriggled away. We moved well back from the bushes after that.

Finally it was dark enough for us to venture forth and we started sneaking across the park, staying on the grass and near bushes where possible. We actually made it more than half way across before we ran into anyone.

We heard the crunching of feet on the gravel path and hastily took cover behind some bushes, peeping out to watch the couple pass. There were a few lights in the park, mainly dotted where paths happened to cross. The approaching couple passed under the one nearest us and I was promptly spitting chips.

"Isn't that Tod and Amanda," whispered Marie, nudging me.

"Yes," I said through gritted teeth.

Why was I annoyed? How about because Tod has been pressing hard to be my steady and to get me into bed. I was almost ready to accept both propositions. And here he was walking through the park at night with Saint Amanda. She makes me sick with her more virginal than you attitude. Which raises another point. Why was she wandering through the park at night with a man, let alone one who was supposedly fixing his interest on me?

If it wasn't for a little matter of goats and clothes my stick and I would be having a serious discussion with Tod and Amanda right now. As it was all I could do was hide behind the bushes and seethe.

Things rapidly got worse. The pair of them stepped off the path onto the grass and stopped. I could hear Amanda protesting mildly but Tod was over-riding her objections. They still had the light behind them and we could see them quite clearly.

Right there in front of us Tod unzipped and brought out his package. I half expected Saint Amanda to scream and bolt, but no. She took hold of him with one hand and started stroking, not that he seemed to have all that much to stroke. I hadn't missed much by not sleeping with him, I decided.

What shocked me, apart from Amanda, of all people, acting in such a brazen manner, is what she did next. She snapped her fingers, holding out her other hand.

"Rent money first," she cooed.

I was horrified. What a tart and hypocrite. And Tod was digging out his wallet and paying her.

"You know I wouldn't do this if I wasn't desperate?" murmured Amanda.

"Really? And here I was thinking you might do it for free, just to put one over on Cheryl," laughed Tod.

"Well, that, too," giggled Amanda. "Gee I'm going to laugh when I see her out with you next time."

Tod laughed and then he was pushing Amanda down onto the ground. Blast them. If they were going to have sex why didn't they move closer to the bushes where people were less likely to see them and take their clothes off? That way we might have been able to pinch their clothes.

Geez, I could just imagine that, Marie and I snaffling their clothes while they're hard at it. That gets us dressed and out of the park. A quick trip home for our own clothes and then Marie and I could take an evening constitutional, strolling through the park, with torches. I wonder what we'd find?

Not to be, alas. The lazy swine didn't take of their clothes. Tod just eased Amanda into doggy position and then knelt behind her. I could quite distinctly see his erection lining up on her. Then he was banging it in and humping away. Mr Finesse in action.

I was thinking a whole lot of nasty ways to describe the pair of them. I suspect that Marie was, too. As it was, we were stuck until they finished. Amanda was facing the way that we had to go. Somehow I don't think she was so totally wrapped up in what Tod was doing to miss seeing two naked women sneaking past.

It turned out to be a short wait. Tod was busy pumping back and forth while Amanda just crouched there, letting it happen. Geez, she wasn't even bothering to hump her ass to help him out. I'd have to tell her that a career as a call-girl was not for her. Not if she wanted a successful career, anyway.

After a few moments of hectic activity from Tod he groaned and seemed to be trying to push even deeper into Amanda and then he just sort of sagged over her. She turned and looked at him, decided he was done, and got out from under. Hitching up her panties she turned to Tod and exhorted him to get going. She didn't fancy being caught in the park with him.

Tod scrambled to his feet and the pair of them departed, Amanda just casually strolling along as though nothing had happened and Tod strutting along like a real cock-of-the-walk. A successful rooster, was Tod.

I made a mental note to buy Amanda a record for Christmas. I Can't Get No Satisfaction by The Rolling Stones seemed appropriate.

As soon as the pair of them were out of earshot Marie sounded off.

"That was Tod and Amanda," she exclaimed. "Aren't you supposed to be his girlfriend? I thought you'd been trying to decide if you wanted to sleep with him."

"Decision made," I said grumpily. "Can we change the subject?"

"Sure. Let's discuss Amanda. What a skanky hypocrite."

Now that was one subject that I was quite willing to discuss. Between us we shredded Amanda's reputation, past, present and future. Especially future. The eternal virgin was bonking other women's men for money? Revenge would be forthcoming and she had no-one to blame but herself.

While it was nice to discuss future revenge, it didn't get us clothes or safely home. For those items we had to rely on ourselves. We crossed the park with no more incidents, pausing on the edge. Two short blocks from home. That was nothing. At least, it was nothing if you had on, say, a pair of panties. We didn't.

"What say we cross and walk along the far side of the road?" I suggested. "The street lights are on the other side and we'll be in shadows. Then we can cross over at the last moment."

"Fine by me," muttered Marie. "Just be aware of where the nearest gates are. If any one comes we can nip inside and hide behind a fence. That includes cars. Fancy being spotlighted by headlights."

I shuddered. It didn't bear thinking about. There again, it did. If we thought about it, it wasn't likely to happen. We waited until the road was clear and then crossed quickly, darting into the shadows along my street. We were half was down the first block and things were looking good.

Then some idiot decided to go for a walk. This clown stepped out of a gate down near the end of the block and turned in our direction. We could see him silhouetted against the light at the corner. Fortunately we were next to a house that had a nice high front fence. We just eased open the gate and stepped in, closing the gate behind us.

We stood behind the gate, waiting for the stroller to amble past. I was amazed at how frightened Marie seemed. She was just about panting with fright.

"Calm down," I whispered to her. "You're breathing so hard the man will hear us."

For a moment there was silence, bar the panting, then Marie spoke.

"That's not me," she said nervously. "I thought it was you."

We both turned and looked behind us and there was enough moonlight to let us see our unexpected companion. Jesus Christ, there was a frigging bear standing behind us. We both screamed and plastered ourselves against the gates, petrified, and the damn bear roared at us.

In hindsight, I guess it was a bark. Just one, but it was deep and menacing, and the bear-dog or dog-bear, whatever it was, went back to panting at us.

We looked at him and he looked at us.

"He's not growling," Marie said softly.

"He doesn't have to be angry to eat us," I pointed out.

I eased my hand over to try and open the gate and floodlights came on. There we were, pinned against the gates in the altogether, a monster facing us, and the floodlights revealed all.

"Who's there?" called a voice from the house. "Butch, fetch."

Now the dog was growling. He moved slightly to the side and towards the gate at the same time. With teeth like that and growling like that Marie and I backed away and we found ourselves being herded towards the house. Deciding the house was safer than the dog we moved along quite smartly.

Standing at the front door was a man, not that much older than us. Probably quite good looking if it wasn't for the evil smile on his face. He ran his lecherous eyes over us, ushering us into the house. We went.

"In answer to your question," he said, "it's a Newfoundland crossed with a Great Dane."

I have to admit, he had answered the question uppermost in my mind.

"Now, don't tell me, let me guess," he said, still smirking in an odious manner, his eyes all over me. "You're a couple of lesbians who chose my yard for a love-in?"

The lasers from my eyes should have reduced him to a pile of ash, but didn't. He did seem to get the message though.

"No? Um, you're here to distract me while a burglar sneaks in the back? And quite a distraction I find you. Not that it would work as Butch would eat the burglar. No? Then perhaps you should explain."

It would have been a lot easier to explain if he didn't keep looking at me. Marie was standing there quite coyly, one hand across her breasts and the other covering her pussy. I was damned if I was going to cower behind my hands. I just gave him a fulminating look and explained about the swimming and the goats that ate our clothes.

I have never seen such a disbelieving look in my life and my mother is an expert at delivering them.

"You're telling me that a couple of goats came up to you while you were swimming and ate your clothes. For seconds, they nibbled off your swimming costumes, and you let them?"

"Um, we were skinny-dipping," Marie put in, speaking in a nauseatingly sweet voice. "There was no-one around and it was quite safe. We just hadn't allowed for the feral goats in the area."

The swine gave Marie a charming smile before turning back to ogle me again.

"That's unfortunate, to say the least. Maybe I can help you out."

With that he turned and strolled into another room, returning after a moment with a couple of black t-shirts which he handed to us. They fitted us like sloppy dresses and I thought they were wonderful. They also finally got his eyes off me. I swear that I could feel those eyes physically touching me in some very personal places.

"Just return them when it's convenient. You can drop them in the mail box if you want."

Personally, I'd just as soon toss them over the fence while driving quickly past.

Marie was all charm and cooing, thanking him profusely. What was with her? I thanked him politely. I do have good manners, even if I did think he was a lecherous and obnoxious brute.

"I'm Steven, by the way," he said. "And you are?"

Marie fell all over herself introducing us. I just smiled and nodded.

Then Steven gave a low whistle and the monster came galloping over.

"Friends, Butch," Steven told the brute.

The great beast promptly started snuffling all over us, practically inhaling us into his nostrils. Then he made a low wuffing sound and pushed against me, almost knocking me over.

"He likes you," said Steven. "Rub his head."

Reluctantly, I did so, and Butch was practically wriggling with joy. Oddly enough, when Marie started rubbing his head he just moved away from her, butting up against me again. Serves you right for crawling, I thought.

I suggested that I wanted to get home and Steven was promptly ushering us out the door, saying he fully understood and that he'd see us around. Marie was smarming all over him, assuring him that we'd be delighted to meet with him again. I said goodbye.

Out in the street, dressed, thank god, and home not far off.

"What a honey," breathed Marie. "I have so got to meet him again. Let me have the t-shirts. I'll wash them and return them personally. Didn't you think him a hell of a hunk?"

"Not really," I said. "A bit full of himself, I thought."

"You're kidding yourself," laughed Marie. "He was very polite. He didn't ogle us or try to touch us and he very quickly produced the t-shirts. He could have left us standing around naked while he called your parents to come and collect us. Imagine how that would have played out."

I'd rather not imagine any such thing. I just grunted.

"Question without notice," burbled Marie. "If he's not such a hunk, why are your nipples making such pointed tents on that t-shirt?"

Oh, god, they were, too. And I'll bet the swine noticed. Now he probably thinks I'm attracted.

"Forget it," I snapped. "Right now, I'm off men."

"Off Tod, I can understand. But Steven?"

I didn't deign to answer that, just hurrying my pace, my house close to hand.

- - -

Two things happened on Saturday, neither of much note.

First, Marie rang to tell me she'd returned the t-shirts.

"Not that it did me much good," she grumped. "Steven just thanked me politely and that was it. He didn't even invite me in. And that damned mongrel kept snuffling around my feet. I don't think the dog likes me. He followed me to the gate and practically pushed me out of it."

"Who pushed you out the gate? Steven or the dog?"

"The animal. I wouldn't sully a noble race of animals by calling that brute a dog."

I sympathized. Poor Marie. Struck out with both man and dog. I couldn't help but giggle.

Second, Tod rang, asking what I was doing.

"Oh, I've been going for walks in the park," I told him. "It's amazing what goes on there. Especially at night. By the way, I'm changing your name on my phone to Teenie-Weinie and flagging it as ignore. Say hullo to Amanda for me."

With that I hung up, leaving him spluttering his explanation. I didn't want to hear it.

That was Saturday. Sunday there was another little incident.

Just after lunch there was a loud roar at our front door. My mother opened the door out of curiosity and almost had a heart attack to find Butch sitting on the porch.

"Heavens above!" she exclaimed, "What is that thing."

I knew. Without even looking, I knew. There couldn't be two beasts in the world with a bark like that. I looked past Mum to confirm my guess.

"Um, that's Butch," I told her. "He belongs to a guy further down the road. Ah, I suppose that we should take him back."

"You don't expect me to go anywhere near that hound, do you?" protested my mother. "Look at him. He's half bear."

"Um, half Newfoundland, I believe."

"I don't want to know what the other half is," Mum assured me. "Probably an elephant. See if you can shoo him away."